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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need relationship advice

10 replies

Moopsey33 · 15/03/2021 18:59

Hey I really need advice. I et my friends cousin Sep2020, we hit it off and fell for each other instantly, he doesn’t live here but since we met he has been home for 3 weeks every 3 weeks. He was made redundant due to Covid. He went back in Feb and since then has been distant, it went from lovey dovey texts to barely anything, he kept saying we were fine and he was just stressed about money and getting a job. He said come the end of March it should all be ok. I txt him saying that it was unfair and h just kept saying he is stressed give him space. Should I tell him take a hike or be patient. He is planning on moving home in a year.

OP posts:

Ozziewoz · 15/03/2021 19:13

Personally, I would end the relationship. I understand that he has said he is feeling stressed, but he is not showing and care for your feelings. Just being distant is not good enough. Communication in a relationship is really important. The fact that you are having to probe him, and he's responding by wanting more space is not a healthy start to a relationship. Trust is a big thing and it covers a lot in a relationship. If you start with little trust, one feel pushed away, the other feels pulled.

Original poster

Moopsey33 · 15/03/2021 19:20

It’s so hard because all the things he said he wanted and how he was so happy and never met anyone like me, I was a year out of an 8 year relationship and just felt so flattered I guess. I’m really upset and can’t figure it all out, he introduced me to his whole family and I met his kid he met mine. He literally had our lives planned. I don’t know what to even say to him

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 15/03/2021 20:19

@Moopsey33

Sounds like he lovebombed you and then lost interest. It's never good news when someone starts saying shit like theyve 'never met anyone like you'. Its really obvious manipulation territory.

You seem like you might be quite young op. It seems like you are disneyfying this whole thing. Attraction at first sight is not love.

Realtationships are supposed to make life easier and happier, not add drama and stress.

Also, he asked for space and you aren't giving him any. So we could even argue that you are the one being too full on and love bombing him.

It seems as if you arent compatable, whatever else.

Eckhart · 15/03/2021 20:45

Well, he might have been Mr Perfect, but now he's Mr Making You Feel Like Crap And Not Really That Bothered About It.

Don't you want someone who cares enough to support you emotionally if you're concerned about the relationship?

Don't go trying to work out what happens in people's heads. You can be planning your future one morning, and dumped out of the blue by text the next. If somebody's behaviour doesn't make sense to you, see it as a reason to leave; your relationship shouldn't feel like a horrible, addictive puzzle, but I bet it does, doesn't it?

Work out what you want, and find somebody who can give you that, consistently. Don't find someone who does it inconsistently, and then question whether you're wrong in wanting it when he lets you down. Don't worry about letting him down when the only reason you would ever do that is because he has let you down first.

Original poster

Moopsey33 · 15/03/2021 20:51

Thanks all for your advice, I appreciate it.
Not that young lol! I’m 33, with 2 kids.
I’m just heartbroken, and I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s like he is dangling me by a string. I don’t know why he is doing this. He has had plenty of opportunities to end it if he wanted. I gave him space, I didn’t contact him and haven’t, he sends me the odd txt or the odd phone call. I do know he is very down and hates where he is living and just wants to move back home here and to be with his family but is torn between that and leaving his son. I can’t wait around forever mentally and emotionally as this is taking it’s toll on me. He has told me he loves me and really wants us to be together and have a happy life together but I am so anxious and down and have told him this but he just keeps saying give it time it will all be ok once I get a job and have no more money worries or stress. I know men are different and cope differently with stress and some just retreat to their shell’s. This is going on 4 weeks now.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 20:55

You've seen already that when the going gets tough, he gets going. Not such a good sign for the future is it?

Original poster

Moopsey33 · 15/03/2021 20:56

@Aquamarine1029 that’s very true 😓

OP posts:

Eckhart · 15/03/2021 21:29

I thought the same. If this is how he deals with the hard times, then this is how the hard times will be for you too, if you stay together. Not with the support of a loving, caring partner, but with a partner who makes you feel left in the lurch, and everything on his schedule, regardless of how bad you feel.

He's showing you a part of his character you haven't seen before. You've not known him long, so it's not surprising there's things you didn't know about him. Sounds like you're hanging your future on the promises of somebody you don't really know.

Original poster

Moopsey33 · 15/03/2021 22:05

Ye that seems how it will be, and I spent 8 years with a guy who did the exact same thing to me 😔

OP posts:

Eckhart · 16/03/2021 06:38

@Moopsey33

Ye that seems how it will be, and I spent 8 years with a guy who did the exact same thing to me 😔

Life is trying to teach you something.

You don't want a partner who says 'One day, I'll make you really happy, but not today.'

You only ever have today. Don't ruin today for the sake of tomorrow; it is always today.

I can’t wait around forever mentally and emotionally as this is taking it’s toll on me

Keep away from anybody who gives you this feeling. It's visceral. It's not thoughts, it's a physical feeling, maybe you get a hollow feeling in your core, maybe your heart races. Try to identify the physical feeling. And then stay away from people who make you feel that feeling. Protect yourself from it. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to work out why they do it. It doesn't matter. If the feeling is there, you need to be somewhere other than with the person causing it.

I'm wondering what causes this in you. What was your relationship model growing up? Were your parents in a happy relationship? Did you get on well with them, feel you could talk to them about your feelings?

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