Any advice on exh and teenage dd?

[longhaulstress]

Exh and I split up a year ago due to an affair (his second one). Older dc's knew the reason and were obviously hurt and angry.

A year on despite many promises to the dc's that he wouldn't he is now in a steady relationship with ow. One of the problems is that he is constantly trying to push them to meet her when they have no interest or desire.
He also puts on eldest dd (14) a great deal. He asks her to do a lot when he looks after them like make everyone's drinks, decide what dinner to have, to get youngest dd dressed, put her to bed etc. If she says no then he says she is selfish and refuses to speak to her.

They say he uses his time with them to nap on the sofa and is never off his phone.

Now I tend to nod along and sympathise that it can be hard/boring for them but he is really upsetting eldest dd. If she wants a break he gives her the silent treatment/gets in a huff with her. He tells her constantly they he has no money and that he's probably going to die soon (he lives a v unhealthy lifestyle). Some children might be able to brush this off but poor dd is a worrier and it's really affecting her. I tried appealing to his better nature last year to go easy on her but he just uses it to attack Dd for 'telling off him' or gets all emotional and dd has ended up comforting him.

I have told her she is old enough to decide if she doesn't want to spend time with him and have offered she stays with me on his nights, my dp has also offered for her to stay with us when I stay at his and my parents have offered but she knows the comeback from him won't be worth it. She just feels so trapped and I don't know how to help her.

Any advice would be wonderful Thankyou

Well it’s no wonder he had an affair is it? He’s selfish, high maintenance and it’s all about him. What a terrible parent. I think a therapist is a good idea and maybe that will give her the confidence not to see him. Are you definitely being told the truth about what happens when she goes there? Be careful of being manipulated as teen girls can be like that. If it’s aboveboard then therapy and keep reinforcing that she’s able to decide for herself and you 100% support her.

You say the comeback but if she chooses not to go then you could offer to be the in between so she doesn’t have to see or speak to him?

Myy eldest refuses to have anything to do with her dad after he left me for the ow. The younger two have nothing to do with ow but see their dad. My eldest is 14

I have no direct experience of this and I may be way of beam, but I'm going to suggest this anyway.

You DD is 14 - still a child. She's coming to you for help and you're saying it's up to her, giving her choices. Sometimes 14yr old need their Mum to make the decision for them. Tell her that you have decided she should stay at home next time. I did this with my DD at 14 over a school thing - something had gone seriously wrong which had upset her a lot. She didn't want to raise the issue and didn't want me too but I thought it important enough to make that decision. She wasn't happy with me at all initially. The school was mortified this thing had happened, it was all sorted and everyone was happy in the end.

Does the school have access to counselling services which your DD could use?

Thanks for your replies, I think on some level she still wants a relationship with her dad which is why she's finding it so hard and I think she's worried if she says she doesn't want to see him currently he'll cut her out. He does have form for this. He stopped talking to his mother for a decade and has dropped most friends/family along the way since I've known him.

You are also aware she could be saying these things out of loyalty to you. There could be nothing wrong, she just feels bad about things being ok

Nothing that she says about him surprises me, it was just that i was always a buffer when we were together and she never really saw this side to him.
He and I have no communication anymore apart from messages about access days and mediation (in divorce process) so I think some of it might be a way to try to get to me as I try and practice the grey rock approach and he also just has no emotional filter.

Can you tell her you’re banning her from seeing him? Is that too far? If she doesn’t want to see it, make it your fault, whilst telling mediation the truth, of course.

My worry would be that she is taking this as a template for how men treat women, and thinks going forwards that she will be expected to run after her future partners.

You need to sit her down and explain to her that dad is dysfunctional and that it is extremely wrong for him to behave as he has. That it is not her responsibility to pick up the slack for him because he is a lazy arsehole. And that it is not a womans job to run around after a man who is perfectly capable of looking after himself. Nor is it a child job (no matter how old) to do what should be a parents job.