I know I should leave, but I can't

[greatears]

I don't think my relationship is working, my boyfriend has a lot of issues and I am often pretty unhappy because of the way those issues present in our relationship.

I've always left bad relationships quickly in the past, I'm not worried about being alone or not meeting anyone else, but I seem to be completely unable to leave this one. I've ended it six times in three years (ugh) but always end up back within a week.

He's not a bad person, but he's very damaged from a lot of trauma in in the past. He can be self-destructive, he can act in ways that sabotage the relationship which is really hurtful and frustrating. He feels he doesn't "deserve" my love and he projects past relationships onto ours. His general attitude is that me leaving is inevitable.

I am in love with the most lovely person in the world who I have a great time with and love to bits, but who is really self-destructive and that impacts me too all the time.

What keeps me staying is that things improve slowly and so I hope things will be fixed. He's started therapy, he's become more self-aware and he really does try but when he fails it's all the more reason to hate himself.

I know he loves me to bits too, and he's always sorry but ultimately I feel sad or frustrated a lot of the time and I know this is not how it's meant to be.

I got to a point lately when he was sabotaging our life so much (basically putting obstacles up between us being happy) that I left for a few weeks and started dating someone else. At first he was devastated and sad, cried for a week, and then sort of resigned himself to it by saying "he is a better man, he can probably make you happy in ways I failed to".

We are currently split up, but still talk every day. I can't help that I don't WANT to date anyone else or leave, but I know if I go back it will just be more of the same because he's too messed up to meet my needs.

I know things can't continue, but why is it so hard for me to leave? Does anyone have any advice? It feels like losing a limb!

I think it's hard for you to leave because you're not actually leaving - if you talk to him every single day you will never allow yourself to get over him as your bond won't be able to break. It also sounds like your being way more sympathetic to him then he deserves. He purposely makes you feel terrible most of the time, that is not something that someone who truly valued your happiness would do. I know you feel bad for him because of his mental health issues but is his mental health really more important than your own? He is not a sick puppy OP, he's a grown man who is actively choosing to sabotage your relationship and hurt you. I know you think this actually makes it better because it shows self-awareness, but your entire life is currently revolving around his feelings, feelings he is aware of but is choosing not to change. That is so, so unhealthy and if he truly loved you he would let you go. He would stop contacting you, stop luring you back in and remove himself from your life so that you could properly move on. He isn't doing that and no matter which way you look at it that makes him a selfish person. I could never stay with someone knowing that I was causing them so much hurt.

I highly suggest that you break up with him and completely cut contact. Completely. Stop taking responsibility for his emotional wellbeing as you are not his therapist. Do not stay 'friends' with him, this is just you leaving the door open to sink back down to him. Every time you want to message him, write in your diary instead. In fact, write to yourself a lot. Write about all the ways in which he negatively impacts your life. Write also about the ways in which he positively impacts your life. I'm sure you'll find that the latter list is significantly shorter.

Ask yourself, 'am I willing to live like this for the rest of my life?' and 'do I want to be in this same position 5, 10, 20 years from now?, 'is a life like this enough for me to be happy and feel like I lived a full life?'.

Therapy is also great if you can access it.

You can do this OP, you know you deserve better.

I forgot to add - having past trauma is not an excuse to hurt people. Is this an excuse he uses himself or one you have thought up for him?

I think you need to cut contact. He’s self sabotage is going to ruin your life. You’re addicted so you need to go cold Turkey. You sound really clued up. Go be happy

He's not in a place to have a relationship. Can you take a cold turkey break whilst he's in therapy?

Stick to your guns and leave this one be. There’s no joy to be had here so block him