I need to leave DP. I’ve no idea how

[MrsNotMyName]

I have name changed for this.
He’s on his way home so I’ll keep this brief as poss and add to it later.

I’ve been with DP coming up 5 years. We have a DC together and I have 2 dc with my late DH.

DH died 6 years ago. I met DP far earlier than I’d ever planned to meet someone but we got on well so I ignored my gut that was telling me it was far too soon and perused a relationship with him. I’ve suffered with bulimia since before DH died (this is relevant). I think I must have thrown up my contraceptive pill as I fell pregnant with DC3 a few months into our relationship. I didn’t find out until I was 19 weeks so continued the pregnancy and now have a lovely nearly 4 year old.

At that point DP moved in and although I became increasingly aware of his laziness, we were quite happy. He runs 2 fairly large companies so works hard.
I stopped being sick when I was pregnant with DD but my bulimia took hold in other ways and I became addicted to exercise. So much so I ran 10 miles the morning I went in to be induced. This caused lots of arguments - not due to the damage I was doing to me or the baby but because of the time I was away from the house when I was running / hiking up mountains.
I did get better for about a year after DC was born but it’s sadly returned worse than ever.

DP works 7 days a week but will come home and literally not lift a finger. I mean literally. He will come home now, eat his dinner I’ve cooked (probably complain the potato is overdone or he doesn’t like the cucumber I buy), will leave his plate on the side, go upstairs, throw himself on the bed. When he realised the remote for the TV isn’t within reach, he’ll call one of the DC to come into the bedroom and grab it off the shelf for him. And that’ll be that. If he wants a drink he’ll ask me or one of thE DC to get him one. Same for snacks. Same for fucking anything.
He showers maybe twice a week. Will happily go days without brushing his teeth. He’s put on about 4 stone since I met him so Is overweight.
I just cannot do it anymore. He makes my skin crawl. He speaks to me like absolute shit. I was poorly last week with a water infection and had the shivers and shakes so bad and he told me to “shut up you fucking idiot”. That’s just one example. I hate phoning him or answering the phone to him. It makes my heart race.
I’ve been so stupid. I had money when I met him. I put all that into renovating our house which is all in his name (my DH got into debt in my name without my knowledge so I had 2 ccjs so couldn’t get a mortgage). I also gave up my job as a teaching assistant when I fell pregnant as we have no family support for childcare and the option to go part time wasn’t there. I now work 4 days a week at DPs business.
DP has 2 houses and he has always said if we broke up, I could stay here and he would pay the mortgage in lieu of CM and he would pull money out of one of the businesses to give me money back.
He has many many faults but tightness isn’t one of them so I don’t think he’d rip me off.
But I don’t know how to do this. If we did go with that arrangement, we’d have to give the tenants in the other house notice and that’s 6months at the moment!
I can’t live like this another day. He doesn’t talk to his parents so can’t go back there.
I just want to live with my 3 dc peacefully.

I should not have done this. I should have taken the time to grieve my DH and put my life back together. I’ve had to grieve in secret as whenever I get upset he gets jealous.

Wtf do I do

That sounds really tough and I'm sorry you're going through it. I assume if you divorce you're entitled to half of everything so could you push for that and rent somewhere with your children?

@Dilemma8188 we’re not married. It’s something we have talked about. I do have shares in his companies but that’s as far as our financial ties goes really.

Oh right, other more knowledgeable posters will be along to. Answer but I know that the usual advice is to try and get a half hour appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options. Personally, I think it would be much better to push for maintenance and get your own place instead of having to rely on him so that you have really minimal contact, only restricted to him seeing the kids. It sounds as if he can't be bothered to share the load so won't fight for custody. Best of luck and well done for taking those steps to ensure your and your children's happiness. It's brave and they'll thank you for it.

I agree. I think this needs to be your fresh start to reset, grieve your husband and get your confidence back up to scratch. See it as an adventure. You have made your decision and IMO it is a good one based on the evidence you have put forward. You just need to plan your exit route.. you only need to start small. Good luck !!!!

I think you need to speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand.

You definitely need legal advice. Can you speak to women’s aid (maybe an email if it can’t be looked at by him) setting out your situation and asking for recommendations. They keep lists of lawyers who have expertise in matters relating to women. Mohave a look at the entitled to website to see what benefits you would be entitled to.

Can you start putting a bit of cash aside when you do the groceries?

Do you have any proof that you put money into the house eg bank statements. If so, dig that out.
Don’t rely on him doing what he said he would re the house. But even if you end up in rented it sounds like you will be happier. Good luck

I’m pretty sure the initial investment we made in his business was directly from my bank so that’d be easy to prove.
I’m a 50% shareholder on that company so not too worried about getting the money back.
He’s not hugely controlling. He’s never looked through my phone or controlled my spending or anything like that.

I’ve always kept a secret stash that he’s doesn’t know about. DH had got us into a lot of debt before he died and I was literally penniless so I made sure that was a mistake I’d never repeat. So I have around 5k in a Monzo account.
I’ve looked at houses to rent around here and there’s literally nothing. The new 6 month notice for tenants has taken its toll on the rental market I think. I’ve registered for alerts with local est agents.
It’s DDs birthday next week so I’m going to get that out the way and then have a chat with him. It’s also my birthday next week (a significant birthday) but he’s ignored my birthday the last couple of years so I’m not going to wait for that to pass. I’ll wait for DDs birthday to pass because I know after I’ve told him my intentions, he will make it very awkward at home and I don’t want that for my lovely DDs day.