How to help a friend in an abusive relationship

[Itsalwayssunnyin]

Hi
I wondered what I can do to help a friend who is in an abusive relationship?
I am worried that her husbands behaviour is really damaging to her and her daughters mental health.
She has opened up to me about him being controlling and threatening (not physical), but gave some examples of his awful behaviour that she almost seemed desensitised to, which mad me sad for her. She was then saying ‘but he’s not a monster, he can be a really nice person.’
It’s just awful how he speaks to her in front of their daughter and she has openly told me she is scared to leave him because of what he would tell their daughter and how he would twist the narrative and try to poison her. He has openly told my friend that he would do this.
I can totally understand why she would be scared to leave him. Am I supposed to advise her what to do or is it best to just be a non judgemental listening ear until she’s ready to do something?
I feel awful that I have met him and thought he was lovely - he is very clever at only showing his best side to everyone else. No one else in her life knows what he is like.

Don't tell her what to do, that's what he does. It will make her bed in and also normalises his abuse if you are being controlling (albeit with good intentions) too.

Listen. Ask open questions (how do you feel when he does that?). Do not criticise him - it will feel like criticism of her.

If she minimises, a calm "I'd be pretty hurt/frightened if someone did that to me" can be useful.

Women's Aid have a page on supporting someone you're worried about.

That’s an interesting point about not criticising him. I didn’t think of it that way, thank you.
I will check out the page on women’s aid

I'm currently trying to support someone who has been in an abusive marriage for 40 years. I let her stay with me when things come to a head. She knows I'm here if she needs me. I wouldn't say anything critical about her husband though, as I did that years ago and she returned to him anyway, and I felt bad.

Keep in contact with her, even if she doesn't reply. It might be difficult for her to reply, so don't take it personally.

Offer to store a bag of essentials at yours.

It might take her a few attempts to leave. Don't get frustrated with her if she's not leaving or she goes back. She has someone who knows every way to make her feel bad, trying to make her feel useless. Don't do anything to make her feel more helpless.

Thanks this is much appreciated. I feel a bit bad as I said his behaviour was unacceptable today but I now see the damage that could do in stopping her confiding in me.
I am going to consciously try and just hear her more without my opinion

Showing their best side to third parties is something abusers excel at (it traps the victim further) so don’t feel bad. It hasn’t stopped you believing her, which is often the effect, and that’s the main thing.

Being lovely some of the time is also an abuser MO. The good times are enhanced because of the victim’s relief that her partner is treating her kindly, because of the contrast with the bad times and because abusers can love-bomb like there’s no tomorrow. Particularly when their victim is “behaving herself”. Also, no-one would put up with being abused all the time and abusers know that.

There’s actually a book written about how to support someone in a DV situation which you might also find helpful: www.waterstones.com/book/helping-her-get-free/susan-brewster/9781580051675

Difficult as it is, try to act completely normal with the husband, if you encounter him at all. Don’t give him an excuse to cut you off.

Also - you’re allowed to share your view of his behaviour if asked to do so or if it seems appropriate. If you remain completely neutral when she describes the behaviour, she might feel that his behaviour’s okay and she should just live with it. Remember she will be used to normalising and minimising as a survival technique. As you may have noticed, abuse victims often post on MN to ask whether something is abuse or whether they’re just being over-sensitive etc. So if she asks, I think you can share if you think his behaviour is wrong. But as PP have flagged, take care in how you do it so that she doesn’t feel she has to choose between you and him.