The price of love.

[kneelingknievel]

Hello everyone, new male member here, hope I can become reliant to offer advice as well as seek in from my online compatriots.

I'm late 50's male and last Monday my girlfriend of almost 4 years, ended the relationship with an email. Like so many, because of Covid and her looking after an elderly family member, we've not been able to spend time together. I can understand this, we've stuck to the rules and maintained our relationship online and with daily phonecalls. I thought we were solid, both declared our love for one another, not wanting to go through life anyone else in our lives and that we would be soon back together for life as we had planned. I had no idea there was a problem.
I've tried getting in touch, but her phones are blocked to me as is her email, so I'm stuck and broken hearted. We're an hour apart and I don't want to take the risk of driving.
My head has been all over the place and I've been feeling rather ill, early on Friday night the stress and strain showed and I was blue lighted to hospital. I had a massive nose bleed, severe pain in the very top of my skull, tremors in my right arm and leg, gasping for breath and very uncoordinated, I was told they were so worried about me, a defibrillator was parked next to my bed. My BP was 217/168 stage 3 hypertension and showed no sign of dropping for a good while. After a scan, blood tests and god knows what else, they were stumped as to the cause and what they could do.
I was administered with a drug and after a while I started to calm down. Although I cannot remember, I must have been able to give them some information at some stage. I am on medication and had taken it on the morning, but nothing I take would have had any effect on what happened to me. They were aware that I've had seizures before and were acutely aware and afraid that it could happen again, the same thought was going through my head.
I was in hospital all Friday night and was allowed to come home at 6pm on Saturday evening, I'd woken on Friday morning at just after 5am and hadn't had a single second of sleep in the time I was in there, so over 36 hours with no sleep. But oddly, I didn't feel tired or hungry. I stayed with friends on Saturday night, but I never slept, I just watched a bit of TV, reading and a few crosswords. I tried, but I just couldn't sleep.
Yesterday morning I returned home, tried to gee myself up to do something and make something to eat, I had no interest, so I went for a walk. This was my routine for yesterday, I walked for miles and miles, enjoyed the fresh air and drank several cups of calming tea. Eventually at 10pm, I felt a feeling of weariness descending, so I went to bed, tossed and turned until well after 1am and I think I was just overcome. The next thing I knew, it was 8am and my alarm was going off, 7 hours sleep is good for me, so I'll take it.
There's an oft heard phrase said on TV and film when two people declare a love for each other, "I'd rather die than be without you", if this weekend is anything to go by, when my time comes, I don't want to go through that again, just, "bang, lights out".

Oh this sounds awful but reminds me of when I was heartbroken, the not eating and not sleeping, it was awful but did pass. I used to wake up in such a panic if I fell asleep. It sounds like you had a panic attack.

It sounds like you went through a terrible ordeal OP. It may have been anxiety as PP suggests. I suffered awful anxiety around 10 years ago and I honestly thought I was going to die. I would totally lose control of my body - tremors, pain, pressure etc. similar to how you describe. It's good that you managed to sleep last night, despite a rough weekend.

The shock of receiving your ex-partner's email ending the relationship must have been painful, particularly as it appears that there was no warning signs that an end was in sight. Their decision to cut off all communication must be hard for you to take. I have had a similar experience many years ago. I remember feeling abandoned & so alone together with feeling frustrated that I had been denied the opportunity to discuss it with them. Would I be right in thinking you feel a lack of closure? It's possible that your ex may be feeling overwhelmed too and needs some space to process the ending of your relationship. Do you have a close friend to confide in?

Another male here sorry to hear of your situation,!! You not say why she end rship,? But it's quite a extreme reaction to block you on all means of comms,?? She obviously has her reasons, tbh you need to focus on yourself now she may contact you again after she has had a bit of space n time,!! You have to put yourself and your health at forefront now,

Heartbreak is a horrible thing. There’s always so many unanswered questions but you just have to let the questions go otherwise they drive you crazy. Time heals and you look back and wonder what all the fuss is about. Your lucky that your lives are independent of each other and a clean break should be easy. Try to keep busy and push the thoughts away before they consume you.

Thank you for the replies, it has been a torrid time and I'm totally in the dark over her decision, it's hit me for 6 and a whole lot more. I have no one to talk to or confide in, so it's just me and the dog. Luckily I was able to call my neighbour when I went to hospital and gave her the code to get in the lock outside and get the key to get in, she took the dog home with her and looked after him. So I knew he was safe.
I managed to speak to my doctors today, he prescribed me an antidepressant, Citalopram and gave me a face to face appointment for two weeks time. One thing I can recall from the hospital, the Dr treating me had seen the list of medication I was taking and asked why I wasn't taking an antidepressant, I told him I had been until just before christmas and the doctor took them off me, citing that my last blood tests had shown I didn't need them, I tried arguing my case, but was ignored. The doctor informed me that the side effects of the combination of my meds, would have been improved by the antidepressant. In the report he sent to my doctors after is was discharged, he suggested that I should be put back on them forthwith, which is the case in point.
I'm still at a loss and the stillness/lack of noise in the house has been, well heartbreaking. As well as missing her, I'm missing the feelings I had when I was with her, it seems like there's a huge void in my world. The times of the day that we've always called each other comes and goes and each and every minute between lasts forever.
As with so many people in the current climate, we're victims of the Covid, many have lost husbands, wives, partners and family members. I suppose the fact we are both alive is a bonus, but the way I'm feeling at the moment, I care not. I'll just have to take each day as it comes and let life carry on.
I've tried to keep busy, pottering on with housework and walking the dog, according to the readings on my watch, we've done over 26,000 steps today. If I don't sleep tonight, I know he will.

That was a big shock getting that email. Not blaming you in any way but looking back did your mood change when the doctor took you off the antidepressants and could that have affected her in some way. Going off meds like that is a tricky business and may have affected how you came across.
Also as someone who has had panic attacks l see the signs so l really hope you are over that part now as panic attacks are hell and not to be wished on your worst enemy. Keep exercising and hopefully you get lots of rest.

Just want to send positive thoughts and well wishes OP, my husband (married for 1 year, together for 5) left me last week with no explanation other than it doesn't feel right anymore. Heartbreak is a horrendous feeling, especially when you don't really understand what's happened and why. I had days of not being able to eat, no sleep, pacing up and down anxious constantly, flitting between weeping silently and wailing hysterically. I do have to say today is the first day I've not cried so far - it's only early though so I know there is chance yet.
As cliche as it sounds, we will heal over time. We have to create a new normal, I've been trying to eat little and often, going for walks with my dog, writing down my feelings helps too. It's so hard but at the minute just try to focus on each day. One step at a time.

It’s awful when someone does this to you. My partner left me after we were living together for nine years. I couldn’t rest, relax, swallow food, sleep etc. It felt like hell. My advice is give the antidepressants time to work. Just see each day as something to get through. Change around your home to mark a ‘new you’ - paint the walls, move the furniture etc. I found reading a tv very helpful. I felt suicidal for a long, long time but the pain doesn’t last. I moved cities and now I’m married with kids. Hugs to you and I promise that the pain gradually lessens until it eventually stops altogether.

A saying for you, * it's better to have loved and lost. Than not loved at all,!!