I've recently come out of a two year relationship and my ex has been messaging me, basically blaming me for the downfall of the relationship. I am a self-aware person, very reflective, but I am starting to doubt whether I am actually to blame for more than I think. It's starting to make me feel as though I shouldn't be dating other people, as I've got all of these 'issues'. I am going to try to be as impartial as I can, because of course, writing something from my point of view, it will be somewhat bias.
Today he sent me a list of what I did that made the relationship fail:
- I expected him to give me 100%, but never gave him the same back.
I always tried my best to give him 100%. I am naturally a very attentive person, so I would always suggest things we could do or arrange to meet up. I was always sending him links and ideas of fun things to do together. I was always attentive with texts and phone calls. I did stop making as much of an effort towards the end because he has mental health issues, so he would go through periods of time where he felt very down, meaning we wouldn't speak all day. I would text him at 9am and get no reply until well into the evening or I would have to double text him to get a response. This included when we were making plans for the following day, I would start the conversation in the morning, and he would eventually reply 11 hours later (often after I'd sent more messages). This wasn't because he was genuinely too busy, as he'd be online on other social media websites, and it happened very frequently. When he did reply and he was in these poor 'mental head spaces', the replies were lacklustre at best. He never told me he was looking forward to seeing me, excited for our plans.. It began to erode my self-esteem. That was the 'straw that broke the camels back' as it were and why I split up with him.
- I pushed him into making decisions about moving in with me and on my terms without supporting him to be ready.
At the beginning of the relationship, he 'love bombed' me (for want of a better word/phrase). From the beginning he was telling me I was the one, he was sending me properties that we should look to buy together, sending me wedding venues, saying he wouldn't mind if I got pregnant. That was all within the first few months of meeting him. I didn't allow myself to get swept up in this idea until a few months later, naively believing I'd just met my soulmate, then he started to say he didn't know if he wanted any of that as it meant him moving from his hometown and leaving his family and friends behind. I told him how hurt I was and we'd need to go back to a casual relationship without involving my DC (he'd met them by that point, and I never would have involved them had I not believed he was serious about moving in etc. with me). Instead of accepting this, he continuously gave me times and dates for when he'd be 'ready', needless to say they never materialised. Throughout all of this I was suggesting we go back to dating, be more casual, we could work out a routine that didn't involve living here full time just yet, but every single suggestion was rejected.
- I didn’t accept and support his friendships.
He had one particular female friend who he had history with (he'd kissed her about 10 years earlier, they also went on holidays sharing a bed but nothing happened according to him, dinners weekly... it was a very close, intimate friendship). He told me that his last girlfriend had left him over this friendship, and asked how I felt. I was honest and said I wouldn't be comfortable with the person I am seeing having such a close intimate relationship with another woman who they had a sexual past with. He agreed that he would tone it down, but instead of respecting my feelings he lied (by omission) about seeing her on multiple occasions for dinners, lunches, walks etc.
I've had partners in the past who have had female friendships (no sexual or dating history involved), and it has never been an issue. They've always been completely transparent, honest and I haven't cared nor has it caused any issues. I've explained this to my ex, but he still insists I've tried to 'control' his friendships and I am paranoid/jealous.
I realise this sounds insane, I have no interest in rekindling anything with him. I've tried to be as impartial as possible, but I know that's difficult. He's made me so worried that I've got something wrong with me. I know there are occasions I could've behaved better, said things I shouldn't have etc. just like in any relationship. I genuinely believed I was a good, solid partner and it's making me think I should be seeking counselling. I've been asked to go for a walk by a lovely man at work and he is making me feel as though I have something wrong with me 