Introverts - how do you get time to yourself?

[thebluehen]

One of the fortunate side effects of lockdown has been that I have had time to just relax and enjoy a bit of quiet time.

Before lockdown, my weekends would be fraught with business and I'd be back to work on Monday morning feeling frazzled and hoping that the next weekend would be better.

Even if I plan in time to myself, inevitably DP's friends or family might arrange something and invite us along and it never seems right to say "no, I'm spending Saturday afternoon doing nothing" It's not a "valid" excuse. DP doesn't want to miss out and I don't blame him, but it seems to be like this every weekend and I always think next weekend will be better.

Would it be possible if DP went by himself? Not all the time or sometimes. Does your DP know you are an introvert and need time to yourself?

The other suggestion is not to say you don’t have plans. You do have plans even if that’s reading, relaxing etc. I never offered an explanation if I was planning on staying home to read a book, catch up on personal admin.

I work part time only whenever possible. And in relationships I keep my own bedroom and sleep in it most nights.

You really have to carve out your own alone time. Set your non negotiables and stick to them. Otherwise ppl will take too much.

Let him see his own family on his own sometimes, surely Ive never understood couples who are always joined at the hip. I'm sure his friends/family also like the dynamic of being able to see him alone sometimes too. Even if I liked their partner a lot, there's no way I would want them to always be there whenever I saw him. I'm sure all families feel the same no matter how welcoming they are and how much they like you.

Their main relationship is with him (and always will be since you're only there because of him and both of you could break up at any point and I'm sure they had met his exes etc.). Family/friends will naturally always invite you out of politeness since you're with him - it doesn't mean they expect (or even want) you to come every single time so i wouldn't worry about it at all.

Sometimes you just want to catch up or discuss things without the other person present.

Agree with Brakken - it’s really common among my circle of friends for one half of a couple to give their excuses and say they just need some downtime or feel a bit overwhelmed and would welcome the day in bed or whatever. We all understand, it’s perfectly reasonable. Unless it happens every single time you’re invited somewhere or you do it on special occasions, people generally understand.

I've spent a lot of the pandemic gently educating friends and family. I started by regularly exclaiming how much better I felt by doing less, how much happier and calm I felt, etc.

Once that understanding was in place I began noticing out loud what I missed and didn't miss and started talking about values and ethics for a happy life for me.

Maaaaaany months into it I then began broaching the topic of not returning to life as it was and thinking out loud about the challenge of making those decisions.

And only then did I start to say what I would not be doing upon to return to normality.

Obviously I knew all of this immediately but I needed to show the extroverts my work, bring them along step by step.

I don't have a partner so I enjoy quite a lot of time on my own, when my DS has gone to bed or is at school. I take breaks from social media and I don't regularly use wattsapp or other such things.

Amongst other things, being single suits me so much more, I used to hate getting dragged into doing things I didn't want to do. This is the problem with relationships, always having to be beholden to someone, messaging them all the time etc i'd find it a pain.

If it were up to me i'd rarely leave the house - lockdown for me has been like my normal life - apart from on occasional pub lunch i'm not the biggest social butterfly. But I feel obliged to go out and take my son to entertain him. When he's flown the nest i'll be the little old woman who lives on her own.

Talk to him and explain you really need some quiet time for yourself to ‘catch up’ on things. Perhaps you could say one weekend day a month would be ideal for this or whatever works for you.
I’ve really struggled with this during lockdown as my DH WFH, he’s retiring in a couple of months and I’ve just told him I need Monday’s completely to myself to have a catch up day.

Thanks for all the replies. It's great to have people who understand!

I am also working part time at the moment which I think will also help when things get back to normal as at least I can get time during the week to myself.

The trouble is all his family and friends do everything as a couple, it would seem so odd for me not to go. I do try and encourage him to do more things that don't involve me having to go, but I don't seem to get very far. Sometimes it feels a bit needy on his part.

So reassuring to read posts of similar experiences. I've also felt that lockdown has shown me the pace of life I prefer to some degree. I've been able to slow down, get more done, simplify my weekends. I found it stressful managing my DH's expectations about travel, family togethers etc. It has removed a lot of pressure as I am a committed introvert! Best of all, working from home was a dream to be away from extrovert, talkative colleagues who just drain my energy. I went back sadly last week and was shattered even working part time!

Child goes to bed about 8.30pm. Husband goes to bed about 10pm. I stay up until 1am or later every night just to get a few hours to myself. I’m not sure how long it’s sustainable for, especially as we’re now getting back up for school early. I do now however get a few hours in the day when I’m not working.

I can’t function without time to myself every night.

I don’t.
Before lockdown DH worked away a lot and DD was at college or out with mates.
For a year now, they have both been at home. All the damn time. And they both talk all the damn time. I may get an hour to myself by staying up late. But DD often joins me. DH goes to bed earlyish. They’re both pretty needy. I am not.
Frankly, I am beyond emotionally exhausted. I can’t think any more.

Do you live together?

Start saying no.
Why are their wants more important than yours everytime?

Platimumbrunette, I feel your pain. Hopefully you'll get some time to yourself once lockdown eases. Similar here with husband and son WFH all the time! Every single day. They work in same business and rarely go out and this is likely to remain for a while. I want them to get an office outside the home. Wfh seems ideal but I think it encroaches on family members. Whenever my two leave the house my inward smile is a mile wide!!

I live alone & don't have children. Say no to a lot of social occasions & if have something on one weekend will shelve plans for following weeks to catch up & recharge batteries.

Try not to plan one thing for both Saturday & Sunday - allocate one day of rest

Do something relaxing which feels indulgent everyday - whether that's a row of dark chocolate, or that 2 hour bath !

I have firm boundaries. I see who I want when I want. My husband and I don't cajole or guilt each other into doing things we don't want to do. We give each other lots of space. Consequently, we naturally gravitate towards each other more comfortably and we make sure to spend (what we decide) is enough time with each other's friends or families. There is never pressure.

Learning how to say no is one of the most important life skills. Set firm boundaries and everything else falls into place.

Beyond this I think it's also crucial to be with someone not too dissimilar to yourself. If someone is very introverted and their partner is very extroverted, you're heading for trouble as you can't meet each other's needs. The closer you can get to a middle ground the better. My husband and I are both quiet natured and introverted but he has slightly more extroversion about him. It's just enough that we benefit each other and it doesn't cause conflict.

I make sure that every other weekend is free, and stick to it rigidly. In reality I usually end up doing some work at the weekends, but I find that less tiring than socialising. If DH feels the need to socialise, he will go off and do whatever it is without me.