Single parent within a marriage

[onemoreday]

Hi all. Am feeling very low today, dh not around, me and gorgeous daughter alone again. Seem to be a single parent, within a marriage I work full time in a demanding job, then do the nursery runs and bedtime routine, look after the house, pets and food supply. DH totally focused on his new business and plans for expansion, I feel like packing up and running away. Tired and lonely most of the time. Worried that maybe I am depressed, struggle to see anything positive at the moment. Just feel deeply unhappy. Can anyone offer words of wisdom or hope?

I think we all feel like that sometimes. I know i did when I went back to work after maternity leave. Except dh wasnt more involved in his job, he just expected me to continue doing everything as I had been doing when I was off.
Can you speak to your Dh about it? Maybe he genuinely doesnt realise - mine didnt. If that doesnt help then make sure you come here lots and we will try to cheer you up, and help you feel less lonely.

How old is your dd by the way?

If you haven?t already, tell him how you feel sooner rather than later. If you are both working, you both need to share the rest of the family responsibilities or you will have meltdown.
On a more practical note, how about making a list of everything you do and see if you can streamline and share out the boring time consuming bits - such as getting a gardener, housecleaner, him taking DD into nursery in the morning and you picking her up, you bathing her and him putting her to bed with a story? You feeding the pets in the morning and he cleans the bowls out at night etc etc You must come up with some strategy to take all the weight off your shoulders and share it all out a bit more fairly. I know he is busy running a business but so are you - he needs to support you as much as you support him or the whole family thing will just crash around your feet.
As for feeling depressed - overwork, overloaded lives can make anyone feel down and having children is emotionally draining as well as physically demanding. Do you have any time out for just you built into your weekly schedule? Can you build a few oasis spots into your time so that it makes the rest easier to manage - such as a weekly visit to a gym or swimming pool with a friend, or once a week babysitter to go out and do whatever. I find that when things get on top of me (often) and I think about it, i realise I have been spending too much time in the house and with the children and not enough time just being me - not an employee, housemaid, mum, cook, wife etc. but just me.
hth
cuppy is right - loads of us feel like this sometimes and so use mumsnet to share and be cheered up a bit.

Thanks both. Have tried talking to dh several times and have tried to negotiate that he helps with childcare (just a little). All to no avail something always crops up which he needs to deal with there and then. I seem to come very low on the list of priorities at the moment. We have looked at a gardener and cleaner but to be honest money is very tight at the moment. My beautiful daughter is 2 and has somehow managed to cheer her sad mummy up this morning. Thats my strategy at the moment, focus on her and her happiness.

Sorry you feel this way. I have come across a lot of people who feel the same and I often feel like that too although I am a SAHM (so not outside commitments) and my dh is pretty good with the children (though not the house). I agree you need to talk to your dh about the way you feel. He may be able to suggest things that could make you feel better even if they are not things he can do directly, ie say you can afford outside help. His business must be every important to your family income and so I don't think you should feel that he is not contributing to the marriage and family. I know that is easier said than done, but when I feel like you, I have to remember that dh and I are a partnership and his going away frequently is what he has to do to provide the family with money.
Just a thought, don't bite my head off! but is there anyway you would consider cutting your hours at work?

Hi lonely mum, I know his work is important to us as a family, I know he's working for our future. But it just feels like by the time he has got the buisness were he wants it and has time for us, I will have given up and gone. Life doesn't feel like a partnership, it feels like one way traffic with me trying to support him and maintain a secure and happy home and him concentrating all his efforts else where. I can't remember the last time he did the shopping, or bought me flowers! I can't drop hours at the moment as we are living off my wages, besides there would be little point as I would spend that time alone, cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing which at the moment will not help me. Sorry to be so negative, but I'm afraid thats how I feel.

Have you tried leaving the housework and cooking for a while? As a clean freak I know this is really hard, but if he didn't have clean clothes or dinner on the table when he gets home, he may realise that there is in fact no 'cleaning fairy'. You can of course still look after the little one's clothes and dinner etc. If you manage to eat a meal at lunchtime at work (rather than just a sandwich) then you will be able to be more flexible about eating toast & beans or something for tea.

I agree that talking and building a partnership approach is best, but maybe drastic measures would get things kick started....?

You really need to let him know how you feel. If he loves you, he will listen and together you can work out a few compromises. You are a partnership, even if you don't feel like one, but maybe you are taking on too much and he needs to be told that.
Please don't get out now while the going is tough. Marriage is not all plain sailing and there are bound to be good times ahead as well as hardships. Can you think of anything he does contribute to your lives together?

Hang in there! (I thought you were talking about us when I read this...) I'm guessing this is the 1st or 2nd year of the new business? which was possibly started because your both (or just hubby? hunter-gatherer syndrome?) is trying to make a better life for you all? Running your own business always sounds better on paper than it does in reality, as the 1st three years are really tough (apparently, we're one year in, so I'll let you know) but eventually it does get easier for all of you (alledgedly) To keep our sanity, my dd and I located mums in our area in similar situations to keep us sane on the weekends where dh was working (which is most of them, and most days appear to be 14 hrs at work for him, with the ususal 24 for me!), so at least we had local people to socalize with and compare notes together! agree with potpourri, about dropping a few things, like meals and all the ironing etc...only do the essentials and sod what the house lookslike to most, do you have any relatives nearby to lend a hand, I don't but every now and again my mum makes an effort to come down and assist when she can. Hugs and hang on in there, get planning your expensive hols for when its all working and you can take time out (or take my division mgrs advice of get a Romanian for 50quid a week, can you believe he said that!!!!)

Thanks again everyone. Yep this is the first year of the buisness, heaven help me! the idea was it would give dh more time at home, which obviously hasn't happened. I was always the main support prior to the buisness as I work regular hours close to home. But things have escalated recently, to the point were often things are not put in the bin but left on the worktop above the bin! clothes on the floor rather than wash bin etc. I find it increasingly infuriating, I don't think I'm obsessively house proud but I can't bear living in a tip, its like I can't think in such an untidy space. I do try to leave washing up etc, but it is still there 24 hours later, so I end up doing it because I can't begin to cook a meal until there is space on the work surface. I do love my dh, but feel he disrespects the efforts I put in to maintain the home, if that makes sense and I guess its this that I'm struggling with.

Have you told him this?

Yes I have tried to tell him this but he seems to think I am nagging (perhaps I don't phrase things in the best possible way?).

you sound like me, except i have three kids, and i cant afford to work.
i am sick to death of trying to talk to my husband, as he just thinks i am nagging. he thinks he is the only one doing anything. etc etc etc.
what you have to do is prioritise your life.decide on what is more important, and concentrate on that. your dh has, and for him it is his business. you cant change him, but you can change yourself.
first of all, decide, do you want to be single again?? with all its implications? do you want your dd to have a step dad? if that is viable ok, if not, then you have to find a way to cope with THIS situation.
let him do his work, and get all the help you can from family and friends. mom, sister, in laws, the neighbours, anyone.
your situation is just like mine. my hubby thinks i sit at home all day and paint my nails....
anti depressants help
a cleaner helps
a social life helps
good luck

Oodles of sympathy, onemoreday. Luckily for me, my dh is actually very good about most things. But I do have to pick him up on the clothes things, and he has recently given up closing cupboard doors! He didn;t seem to understand why I was getting cross. I explained that now I was a SAHM, the housework etc was my 'job', like his personal training his his job. I asked him how he would feel if I met up with his clients after their workouts and fed them a huge chocolate muffin, thereby undoing all his good work. This made him realise that his sloppy attitude to the house was very disrespectful to me, and he has improved. I managed to tackle this before I got too upset about it, so we could laugh about it. Don;t know if this would work for you. I also have had to accept that, at the moment, that's just my lot. DH is working like mad, and so am I. This is a bit rambly, but HTH.

Hello onemoreday. I'm sorry you feel so lonely and sad. I know how you feel.

I'm amazed by how many people think that starting their own business will give them more time with the family. If you are going to succeed in starting a business you have to work harder and longer.
BUT,
If that was why your dh started the business, then he has to factor in some time for you as well. Does he work from home? If so then how about banning him from the working area after a certain time each evening.
If he works away from home, then you will have to impose a 'home-time' Not home by then, no meal. That type of thing.
Allow him the odd emergency, but stop late-working and weekend working from being the norm.

Money and a business are important. But your relationship is important, and your daughter should be important to her Daddy. He WILL regret the years he missed if he carries on like this!
Tell him, tell him now.

If he won't listen to you then can you take more drastic measures. Can you go away one weekend (perhaps without telling him first), to show how you feel.
Honey men are sometimes so thick-skinned (or just thick) that you have to MAKE your point.
Tell him you appreciate his efforts to make a business for you all, but one-direction isn't enough.
And how about you make arrangements to go out with him every so often. Book the time with him, put it in his diary or whatever, organise what you do, so he only has to turn up. Then you have got him cornered, you can start and explain what's needed.

when we have to repeat ourselves - we are nagging - when they ask more than once, voices get raised.

what you need is a calm conversation. just tell him that you think he is being dosrespectful. i there is even a roll of the eyes to the ceiling i would calmly say " you obviously dont respect my priorities. from now on you do for yourself until you are ready to have a conversation where you value my thoughts and feelings, which are of equal importance to yours, remember there are two adults here"

this sounds very oprah winfrey doesn't it - but its what i do. As soon as we have a "talk" he knows its even more serious than a row, to get to that stage somethings been pissing me off for ages.

YEah, I have similar problems too.

I won't go on, just letting you know that you have company. And it's sometimes nice (in a strange depressing kind of way) to read threads like this one so I know I'm not alone.