Divorcing a man with Aspergers/high functioning ASD

[Tankflybosswalkjam]

Has anyone done this? How did it go? Was the reason you divorced them related to the ASD?

I’m divorcing my husband and it’s only now that we are living separately that I can see just how many of his behaviours which used to drive me mad, were probably a part of his ASD. But it wouldn’t matter how many times I say that, he can’t see it and I will be forever the bitch who ruined his life...

Has anyone else been here?

Oh yes ...
Had to go way to judge on financial as he wanted the house ( he did not get it) he would not negotiate just blame me though mediation.
I recommend you get everything document if you left depressed or anything go to your dr .
This post below sum it up for me .

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Thankyou. That article is very fitting isn’t it?

We didn’t mediate as it as he had been abusive so it was inappropriate. He sees the kids but appears to have no insight at all as to how he has contributed to the situation. I wonder will the penny ever drop?

It sounds like while you verbally acknowledge he has autism, you're still trying to hold him to the behaviour of a neurotypical person.

Why are you shocked that he lacks insight & waiting for "the penny to drop" - ? But isn't it likely that his autism prevents him from analysing situations & seeing shades of grey?

Yes I suppose that’s what I’m doing. He is very logical in a lot of ways but seems to have a massive blind spot about some of his behaviour and how it contributed to the demise of our relationship. I suppose I’m trying to get my head around that. It’s an exercise in futility really. I guess there is a part of me that wonders will he ever think “I was massively unreasonable to spend over half the household income on my special interests” for example.

Yep. All very familiar. My son hates me, thinks his dad's the victim, but sees me as the source of everything he needs

@Soopermum1 does your son have ASD?

Yes. I believe he does, as highlighted by his family therapist but his father has thrown a spanner in the works and he has now decided he's fine and doesn't need the diagnosis 😩

God how unhelpful.

Those who have divorced Aspies how do you get along/co parent now?

@Tankflybosswalkjam at the beginning of experiencing this now.

I've gone from being on a pedestal the whole relationship to now being the bitch who ruined his life..

I am in the middle of it for two long years... There months after my first request for divorce in November 2020, he finally went to therapy which led him to his likely ASD diagnosis. While this does explain a lot of his behaviour, it could not fix my heart. He accepted his diagnosis and now I am listening for two years to that he just wants me to accept him as who he is. I can't. I can not live in empty marriage, where I have to manage everything and get nothing in return.

And his therapy only made him realise why he is "different", but he acquired no new skills to be a better husband and father.

He blames himself but his low executive functioning skills are making this divorce process very slow. We are still living under the same roof and I am struggling with it every day. Our disconnected marriage is affecting our kids more and more and just today I realised that I need to stop being kind and understanding and put an end to this saga. Last time I gave him an ultimatum to move out, he threatened with suicide. Now I am a bit more prepared for this scenario and it will not make me step back.

Hi all, new here and just needing some words of encouragement. Started the process of separation in the spring and about 4 months in realized the high-functioning autism traits through lots of research, reading and trying to figure out the root of what has been 'wrong' in my marriage for 18+ years. He talked to our doctor and they agree it is highly likely. I literally lost my sense of self to this man, giving giving , taking charge, and taking care of almost all things except car stuff and yard. All else child rearing, social engagements, holidays, pets, breadwinning, you name it, fell to me. I am utterly depleted and he is now using his autism to try to guilt me into staying. Needless to say, I feel like a horrible person for leaving, but I am no longer even me because of this. I want to get myself back and a sense of normalcy and reciprocity to my life, and peacefully move on without him. Any encouragement you can share to get past this enormous sense of guilt I feel? I feel like I am abandoning him, but I cannot stay in a relationship that is more like mother-child than equal adult partnership. Thanks for "listening"

PMing you, @nl55

What is worth keeping in mind is that often both the neurotypical and the neurodiverse partner have done the very best they could. There is no guilt or shame, in acknowledging that the relationship has run to its end and cannot be revived. Both partners have the right to find someone who is -right- for them rather than being stuck unhappily that isn't working.

You sound like a very nice and caring person and you totally deserve to be happy.

Reading these post, been sobbing for weeks, after 20 years of marriage, split up 4 months ago, which was (mostly carnage) to find out my WHY it all went , everything I have read points to my soon to be ex having undiagnosed ASD. Wow! already feeling slightly better, divorced by text as after 19 years of marriage, as I dared to put in my boundaries to this emotionally none existent marriage, bullying and verbal cruelty. There were signs very early on as I reflect back and how he talked about splitting up with his ex partners. Running off and not speaking about issues, most of which he caused. Seen to others as a great man, provides, taken on 2 step-children (bullied one terribly) had child of our own, don't think he every got a hug let alone an interaction unless with was something he wanted to do. I did not see any of this, thought it was me, I should of been trying harder. The layers of my emotions that have been bagged up, I was the one always making it work. 18 months ago I asked to talk about our marriage, his reply "I'm happy" sort yourself out, also he said I am not going to change, asked to go to counselling he refused. When I tried to talk he said I trapped him into talking. This was after being "kicked out" of the martial bed because I snored. These scenarios and incidents are endless. His response to everything " I just make things" you do all that. Basically, he just did what he wanted, yes talented at projects, but would sit alone night after night drinking, taIking to anyone who would listen, rude to everyone, as he could not have any type of conversation, always talked over, butted into any conversation. Caused endless issues with his jobs, 3 x times walking out when challenged about his bullying. I was cook, childcare, cleaner, bag carrier, holiday organiser, dates, kids events. He loved being the showman of his talents. I just did everything household related. If I dare to ask for help reply was "I do it better anyway" it's just bonkers!! Yet a good man because he did work hard and provided, or people thought, I had to manage the money of which he spent all the time but blamed me. He wouldn't even carry the shopping, open a door for me or on a number of occasions buy me a drink, let alone organise transport. Just another child but the Kids are more independent. Every occasion of a family event out of the home, he caused a storm if the attention wasn't on him or had to do something he didn't want. Absolutely NO COMPROMISE!!! I think years and years of layered emotions coming out, I feel bad because I didn't recognise it, how could I in a daily war zone, tip toeing on eggshells. Yes the marriage thing, swept of my feet married in year of meeting he liked the ready made family. But few weeks in, I asked for a hug, to be replied I don't do that. No kissing, if there was he was so awkward, just tensed up, every photo looks like the death stare. Told lies about me, bitched to my family who believe he is a great guy!! When asked for anything was "what's your problem" unless it was what he wanted to do. I know I am really ranting. This guy quickly found another victim within a month good luck to her. So relieved to be out, a former shadow of myself, however one thing over 20 year I have learnt is resilience and independence in abundance. Thank God!!