Mother's Day strain

[mothersanddaughters]

This isn't really a thread to fix things as such. Just wondered if anyone out there had a similar experience to me. I'm a MN regular but have name changed as this is a very personal issue...

I find Mothers Day difficult. I am very fortunate to have incredible and loving DC and a DH who are all very appreciative of me and we've had a really nice day today. So it's not about my own experience as a mother.

But my relationship with my own mum is very odd. I find buying a suitable card without hollow words & platitudes hard. I see FB posts declaring how friend's mums are their 'best friends' completely alien to me as that just doesn't and never has reflected our relationship. It's not really awful, it's just not the hearts & flowers mother/daughter picture I see with friends and their mothers. Thinking about it, it's always been quite dysfunctional.

My mum can be difficult. She can be demanding and takes offence very quickly. She once didn't speak to me for weeks as I failed to phone her on her wedding anniversary (I barely recall my own!!)

As a child, I vividly remember her telling me that mothers & daughters are rivals for male attention. I was probably about 7 and didn't really understand.

I'm an only child and was very much a daddy's girl. I think she saw me as a rival for his attention 🤷‍♀️ which, thinking about it from an adult perspective, is very weird.

She's very negative and always picks fault. When I presented her with a bouquet of flowers today, the first thing she said was 'Oh. There's a rose in it. I don't like roses.'

I always feel that I can't win. I try to let it wash over me but sometimes it just makes me sad and it's often exhausting. I know the 'walking on eggshells' feeling very well along with having to bite my tongue. It isn't just me as most other family members find her draining.

I'm not sure what I want to achieve by posting this. It's cathartic I suppose. I can't really fix things. I suppose I wondered if anyone else understood or had a strained relationship with their mother and found things difficult today?

I recommend: "You're Not Crazy- it's your Mother " by Danu Morrigan recommended on MN and I'm sure you'd recognise narcissistic character traits described here.

Ah your mother sounds like she would never be pleased with whatever u do. Id keep it simple with her on these days. It looks like there is a deeper routed issue here that has nothing to do with u but ur mothers own insecurities. She seems damaged within and hurt about something.

She sounds toxic. Could she be a narcissist?

Very similar dynamic for me. Mine complains at the lovely times closer families have, but she's never been that nice or interested in her family so they've grown up neither needing nor wanting to spend time with her. Now my dad has died, she's lonely. He waited on her like she was a princess, and she wants everyone else to replace him.

She said she loves having cards because it's the only time people give her compliments. I search the card shops (and always have) for cards that aren't gushing because I will not do the whole 'to the best mother in the world', crap!

Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes, I think she has many of the traits you all mention. She lost her father in her early teens so think this had a profound impact on her relationships with her own mother and later, my dad. Like yours pickle, she expects him to treat her like a princess and he has definitely enabled a lot of her behaviour.

It's a shame. Her grandchildren roll their eyes when we have to visit as they know it will be hard work. They are teens now so sooner or later, they will lose interest totally. Sad as she's definitely not getting any other grandchildren!!!

I will also take a look at that book.

Again, thanks all!!!

@mothersanddaughters

This isn't really a thread to fix things as such. Just wondered if anyone out there had a similar experience to me. I'm a MN regular but have name changed as this is a very personal issue...

I find Mothers Day difficult. I am very fortunate to have incredible and loving DC and a DH who are all very appreciative of me and we've had a really nice day today. So it's not about my own experience as a mother.

But my relationship with my own mum is very odd. I find buying a suitable card without hollow words & platitudes hard. I see FB posts declaring how friend's mums are their 'best friends' completely alien to me as that just doesn't and never has reflected our relationship. It's not really awful, it's just not the hearts & flowers mother/daughter picture I see with friends and their mothers. Thinking about it, it's always been quite dysfunctional.

My mum can be difficult. She can be demanding and takes offence very quickly. She once didn't speak to me for weeks as I failed to phone her on her wedding anniversary (I barely recall my own!!)

As a child, I vividly remember her telling me that mothers & daughters are rivals for male attention. I was probably about 7 and didn't really understand.

I'm an only child and was very much a daddy's girl. I think she saw me as a rival for his attention 🤷‍♀️ which, thinking about it from an adult perspective, is very weird.

She's very negative and always picks fault. When I presented her with a bouquet of flowers today, the first thing she said was 'Oh. There's a rose in it. I don't like roses.'

I always feel that I can't win. I try to let it wash over me but sometimes it just makes me sad and it's often exhausting. I know the 'walking on eggshells' feeling very well along with having to bite my tongue. It isn't just me as most other family members find her draining.

I'm not sure what I want to achieve by posting this. It's cathartic I suppose. I can't really fix things. I suppose I wondered if anyone else understood or had a strained relationship with their mother and found things difficult today?

I feel for you @mothersanddaughters. It was the 10 year anniversary since my Mum died recently and I still miss her hugely. BUT she was a complicated woman with mental health problems and eventually developed severe dementia caused by Parkinson's. I used to scour the shops for ages to find a card that I could send as I couldn't bring myself to buy one spouting 'Worlds Best Mum' etc, it just wasn't true and wasn't sincere.