I don’t know what to think

[Ownerofmultiplechimps]

Dp & I have just had an arguement & he’s stormed off, my head is all over the place.

For background, my previous relationship (although a long time ago) was abusive in every way. I’ve moved on, have 2 lovely boys with dp & a generally good relationship.

Youngest ds is overtired so very teary & easily upset. Just about to have dinner, ds’s in lounge & me & dp about to come through when we hear them shouting/screaming. We’re close to each other & say at the same time I’ll go sort it, dp lightly pushed me out of the way, it triggered me & I saw red. When he came back through I was angry & told him he didn’t need to do it, he was dismissive (which always upsets me, he knows this) so I shouted. I know I’m in the wrong for shouting & I regret it. I know dp would never intentionally hurt me & ive likely overreacted. He just kept saying don’t shout at me but wouldn’t acknowledge he pushed me. He’s taken ds for a drive to get him to sleep but isn’t speaking with me & probably won’t be when he gets back either.

I’m so upset at myself for letting my past trigger me & react the way I did & I could clearly have picked a better time to raise it.

I don’t know what to do or think

Did he push you or did he run towards the kid drama and brushed against your side? He obviously thinks it was the latter.

It’s awful you’ve had an abusive relationship in the past, many of us have. How we choose to process that and build healthier relationships afterwards is our responsibility. My ex used to shout a lot, while I never have or do, and I’d consider it unacceptable for DH to tell at me like you describe. Did you do that in front of your children? Why?

I think most people would say shouting was much worse than a gentle push caused by running towards a child possibly hurt or in danger of being hurt.

Your response was completely disproportionate and I don’t blame him for going for a drive to settle your son.

You need to get whatever external help you need to manage your triggers and make sure you don’t randomly start shouting at your partner, especially in front of your children.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you for your response. I didn’t shout in front of the kids, they were in a different room but it still wasn’t acceptable & I know this.

It definitely wasn’t a brush past me, we were in very close quarters & he put his hands on me to move me.

I know I need help, actually in the process of starting a CBT course.

Fwiw I don’t habitually or randomly shout at him or the kids. We do argue like most people but it’s infrequent & never in front of the kids.

Why did he move you? Putting his hands on you isn’t a gentle push so I’m not sure which it was.

You both heard the children screaming, were you not moving so he was trying to get to them?

Shouting travels unless your house is massive so it’s unlikely they didn’t notice. What were you shouting at him?

I'm sorry but it sounded like he was trying to take assertive action to help the kids and there wasn't time for a debate.
He put his hands on you to move you. I do that often to my DC or DP if they are in the way and I'm in a hurry. It's not meant with aggression and certainly doesn't hurt them.
It's good that you are going to try CBT. I've had it (for different reasons) and it's far better than normal counselling.