Did I imagine the abuse?

[mamabear449]

I split with my partner of 10 yrs last year and I only come to realise afterwards how badly he treated me. Ive never had counselling and wasnt really aware of what emotional abuse was until I left. Im struggling to move past it all and a big part of this for me is not knowing if I've exaggerated his behaviour (hes blaming me for the relationship ending despite him cheating). Its hard to get it all down but here are some examples:

During big arguments he would kick and punch walls, throw and break household objectives. Last yr he told me he did this instead of hitting me.

He forgot to take the car seat out of my car, rang me as I drove to work and screamed down the phone for me to go back home with it. When I arrived he shouted and swore in my face while I was holding our 1 yr old and told me I was lazy, had a shit job, useless, he did everything for me before walking out saying he was done with me. He shoved me to one side as I was blocking the door.

Since I met him weve both worked full time but I have always done the housework, washed and ironed his clothes, changed beds. He cooks but not that often. He would criticise all of this. When I left he told me I was a shit housewife(!) I'm v houseproud. Hes never gotten up in the night with our DD and most of the past cpl of years I have slept on a single bed in the spare room (even when pregnant) as he snored so much but refused to do anything about it. He said it was my fault for not asking him to sleep in the spare room.

Throughout our relationship he has threatened violence against neighbours (keyed someones car, shouted at various ppl). When I was pregnant he rang his boss at work and told him to fuck off and I had to calm the situation down.

He has a v low opinion of women, thinks the gender pay gap is purely down to women losing time during their career due to mats leave so they deserve to be paid less. When we first met I got a payrise which meant I earned more than him and he lost his temper.

I left after I found he had signed himself up for online dating, he moved out for 3 weeks then told me he was moving back to 'work on himself'. He is now saying what ive done is unforgiveable (leaving him).

What makes you think you imagined abuse? I don't understand; you've listed a bunch of abusive behaviours that did happen. Is it that you're not sure whether they're abusive?

They are.

He's living with you now, then, despite saying that you leaving him was unforgivable? Is it his place? Your place?

Have you done the Freedom Programme? You're describing coercive control. It is abuse. It is a crime.

Abuse is about power and control. Hence the mindgames around you leaving him and therefore trying to end his control.

We no longer live together. He is living in our jointly-owned 4 bed house while myself and my daughter live elsewhere. I left because I was scared on the affect him returning would have on our child.

I think Ive kept this all in for so long and been brainwashed into thinking it was normal behaviour. I just needed someone else to say it was abuse.

marshflamingo - I havent done the Freedown program no but I think I will look onto it now. I did do a course on abuse via a local charity but a lot of it focused on physical abuse which can leave you feeling as though you were imaging the severity of what happened to you in comparison.

I'm so sorry he treated you in such an abusive way.
I hope you and your daughter have a much more peaceful life now.
You don't need his permission or agreement in order for you to be able to name his treatment of you as abuse. It just was abuse.

@mamabear449

We no longer live together. He is living in our jointly-owned 4 bed house while myself and my daughter live elsewhere. I left because I was scared on the affect him returning would have on our child.

I think Ive kept this all in for so long and been brainwashed into thinking it was normal behaviour. I just needed someone else to say it was abuse.

It is common not to recognise emotional abuse until you are out of the situation. You have normalised his behaviour before so you didn't see him as an abuser.

Shouting, threatening, losing his temper because you got paid more than him, blaming, criticising everything you do is all abusive and done to chip away at your self esteem.

Well done for getting out.

I liken it to a hostage situation. Someone who takes hostages doesn't use much physical violence. They threaten. They isolate. They humiliate.
At least if an abuser hits you there is a release of the palpable tension and constant dread.
It's awful for someone to hit you but people understand why you're upset.
The psychological harm is a lot harder to name and to process but it is definitely abuse. That's why there are laws against coercive control now.

You've been abused, and abuse makes you doubt your reality. See a solicitor about the housing situation if it was jointly owned.

During big arguments he would kick and punch walls, throw and break household objectives. Last yr he told me he did this instead of hitting me

He is probably delusional enough to think he deserves a medal for that. That he was being honourable and a fantastic partner for not hitting you. I don't know which planet he's living on but it's not a good or sane one. The fact that he thinks you are the bad person for leaving him says it all really.

Please don't get fixed on defining it as abuse or not abuse. He sounds like an absolute chav, a thug, an aggressive, angry person and that's enough.

He cheated
He vandalised your home and your possessions
He's used his strength to intimidate you
He expects you to do pretty much everything for him around the house, and even then it's not enough
He's behaved in a thug like way around your neighbours
He's pathetic enough to not be pleased that you got a pay rise. I mean, who the fuck gets annoyed about that??? He must have such a low opinion of you that he was furious that you even got one.
He has a low opinion of women - that should be an instant good-fucking-bye
He blames you for leaving him after all of this.

He is not a good father figure, let alone a partner for you.

I'm glad you've mentioned looking into the Freedom Programme. You can do it online and complete it in your own time. It will help you see that abuse doesn't have to be physical. I'm sorry for what you and your child went through. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

For people criticising wether she is recognising abuse or not is a bit harsh. When people are abused over a long period it changes their perception of what is normal. I hope you get the help you need op. It's really important to get a great support network as it helps. Good luck!

Thanks so much to everyone who's replied. It means so much to hear other people recognise his behaviour wasnt OK as he had an excuse for everything and I believed for a long time he would never turn on me the way he did with others.

I needed this to finally draw a line under things and move forward without him. xxx

As a previous poster has said, abuse makes you doubt reality. I am having intense psychodynamic therapy due to this and it's the brain's way of protecting you. If you have been gaslighted, the person can make you doubt reality on top of that.

So sorry to hear youve been through something similar Whatflavour. I think ive become v good at ignoring reality.

Thanks, OP. I hope you manage to find some peace in your mind. I go to a Buddhist centre and it helps loads xxx

I have no experience of this ( though I know enough to know it was abuse), and no advice, but just wanted to say well done for getting out. It was a brave thing to you, and you're a great mum for setting a good example. I wish you all the best for the future. You and your daughter will be great without him.

I think Ive kept this all in for so long

Why is that, @mamabear449?

It's interesting that your tipping point was infidelity rather than violence. Why do you think that is?

I'd speak to a solicitor asap about your joint home.

Hi OP - yes, this was definitely abuse. Abusers very rarely take responsibility for their behaviour or recognise it as abuse so it's not surprising that he consistently blamed you and denied he'd done anything wrong.

My understanding is that many women who have experienced both physical and emotional/psychological abuse have said that the second is just as damaging as the first (assuming, of course, that you're not left with a life-changing injury or killed). Emotional/psychological abuse causes psychological damage - that is reflected in your belief that his behaviour was somehow your fault and your uncertainty that what you've been through was indeed abuse.

As you say, you became very good at ignoring reality. Probably ignoring reality was a survival technique for you and it is only now you're away from it that you are beginning to form a different understanding about what reality should look like in a functional family unit. Domestic abuse is a crime which turns what should be your safest space (your home) into a crime scene where you are forced to live with the criminal. The emotional and psychological cost of that is enormous. You did so well to get away. As PP have suggested, some intensive therapy to help you deal with the fallout is an excellent idea.