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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong, should I say something?

26 replies

Malbals · 14/03/2021 10:43

Well I feel bad because I had a snoop on my dh phone he’s usually got it glued to him and leaves it no where even takes to bed and puts on window sill next to him! Anyway he’s been feeling off it so obviously forgot to pick it up so I had a look and found he had a Twitter account with follows of porn and undressed women etc quite a few
I looked at the messages and some had sent messages saying things like subscribe to my private page/links etc I have no idea if he clicked on them and there were no replies to any of them
It makes me uncomfortable though that he has this account (it’s a fake name and no profile pictures and doesn’t look like he commented on anything) however he is following some of his real life friends and i have seen him on the app since so he does use it!
I think what’s bothering me the most is his friends and thier wives people who we know can see he’s following these women etc it feels like an insult to me
I looked onto his internet search history and it was clear even though there were loads of pages open in safari so I feel suspicious that he’s deleting the internet search’s he’s doing it’s made me wonder if I can trust him or not! I looked on messenger and wassap but couldn’t see anything incriminating I only had a few minutes before he had noticed that he had lost! His phone!
So if anyone has had similar things like this happen in your relationship what did you do? I’m wondering about asking him? Or ignoring it etc? Btw I don’t usually snoop and have never thought about it in the past, I don’t know what made me! Maybe I feel like he’s been more secretive about the phone I can’t really say! It’s nothing specific and I always leave my phone around and at home and if he were to snoop he’d see nothing incriminating and I honestly would not be bothered by it at all

OP posts:
interest12 · 14/03/2021 12:38

I think you don’t want to be in the relationship so are looking for reasons to be upset

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 12:42

What compelled you to look? You shouldn't have, and you know that. So, something must have made you want to, otherwise you would have done the respectful thing like you would in other situations.

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2021 12:45

I’m also curious why you snooped as soon as you could?

I could not give a shit if my husband was ogling randoms on line. Or if my friends knew. But we are all different.

Original poster
Malbals · 14/03/2021 12:45

I just felt like maybe he was being secretive about something so that’s why I took the chance to have a look when I did! Now I’m not sure if I should ask about it or forget it

OP posts:
Eckhart · 14/03/2021 12:53

@Malbals

I just felt like maybe he was being secretive about something so that’s why I took the chance to have a look when I did! Now I’m not sure if I should ask about it or forget it
You need to talk to him about it, including the bit before you looked. The bit where you felt he might be hiding stuff from you. Whether you looked at his phone or not, the fact that you don't trust him is already a potential relationship deal breaker.
Bluntness100 · 14/03/2021 13:01

I think you need to address rhe fact you feel he is secretive and hiding stuff from you and how it’s making you behave, also secretively and hiding stuff..Ie your waiting your opportunity and secretly snooping on his phone behind his back.

autumnalrain · 14/03/2021 13:01

Tbh OP it sounds like you’re trying to find things. Most of what you’ve said isn’t really substantial. If you’re unhappy you should think of leaving.

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2021 13:02

Whether you looked at his phone or not, the fact that you don't trust him is already a potential relationship deal breaker

This is true, and clearly some thing is wrong in the relationship. But it’s not right to accuse him of being secretive and hiding stuff, when actually it’s her.

coffeeandjuice · 14/03/2021 13:37

Does he put his phone screen side down? I always think that's a red flag.

You probably won't find anything on WhatsApp or messenger because it'll be either deleted or he'll have changed the name of a person to "Bob Carpenter" or something that wouldn't arouse suspicion.

It's much easier to use cheating apps too that look like a Stocks and shares app or something quite dull at first sight.

Sorry this is probably scare mongering. He's probably just looking at porn

Original poster
Malbals · 14/03/2021 13:46

Hi yes he does always put it down face down if not in his pocket
And he is always on stocks and shares apps and has loads! I didn’t know that that was a thing!

OP posts:
Changeforchangessake · 14/03/2021 13:57

There is more to this. I’d ask him to give me his phone and say his behaviour is not acceptable - see how he responds - if he says all men do it, your frigid etc it would be a deal breaker for me

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2021 13:59

@Changeforchangessake

There is more to this. I’d ask him to give me his phone and say his behaviour is not acceptable - see how he responds - if he says all men do it, your frigid etc it would be a deal breaker for me
Honestly if my husband said this to me, I’d be out. I’ll do what I want with my phone and no human is going to be demanding I hand it over and explaining my behaviour is unreasonable because I don’t give them freee access.

How controlling is that.

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 14:03

@Malbals

Hi yes he does always put it down face down if not in his pocket And he is always on stocks and shares apps and has loads! I didn’t know that that was a thing!
This issue isn't really about his phone. You do know that, don't you? If you take the phone out of the equation, you still didn't trust him enough not to snoop.

You need to look into that. Preferably as a couple. What would he say if you told him you were having some issues trusting him, and you wanted to talk things through?

JorisBonson · 14/03/2021 15:21

He has a weird fake Twitter account??

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 15:29

You don’t trust him
I’d dump you for going through my phone tbh

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 15:32

@Changeforchangessake

There is more to this. I’d ask him to give me his phone and say his behaviour is not acceptable - see how he responds - if he says all men do it, your frigid etc it would be a deal breaker for me
His phone is his private property. He's under no obligation to show it to OP, and frankly, anybody who demands that their partner show them their phone is out of order.
withmycoffee · 14/03/2021 15:52

@Eckhart you do realise that when we are married or in established relationships, we FORGO some of our privacy and autonomy don't you? We don't conduct secret lives and we don't withhold information about our behaviour that we know would potentially make our partner question whether they want to be with us. This is what the OPs DH has done. He knows she wouldn't be happy so he is conducting a secret life denying her the right to choose whether to be with him over it. Don't turn this around and suggest that looking at his phone is in any way equivalent to what he is doing.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 15:53

@withmycoffee
I’m married but I certainly didn’t forgo my autonomy or my privacy

Don’t agree with you at all

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/03/2021 16:04

you do realise that when we are married or in established relationships, we FORGO some of our privacy and autonomy don't you?

Do we? I certainly didn't.

withmycoffee · 14/03/2021 19:19

Of course we do @sunflowersandbuttercups and @Shoxfordian. If we are single, we can date who we want, when we want. We have that autonomy. We can also spend money on whatever we want regardless of whether it is sensible. We can go out on the town with whomsoever we wish and sleep with whoever we want. We can prioritise ourselves every single time and not consider anyone else in most instances. We can decide to move cities at the drop of a hat. If you think it is still reasonable to do these things when in a relationship because you don't think you need to forgo any of your privacy or autonomy then I'm not entirely sure what kind of relationship you are in.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 19:29

I choose to not sleep with or date anyone else though, it’s not that I don’t have any autonomy anymore. The rest of your examples, like going out wherever I like, and socialising with whomever I choose are still choices I have, and I’m not dictated to by my husband.

None of this has anything to do with the fact that it’s still a huge breach of privacy to go through my phone and in my view, it’s a dealbreaker.

withmycoffee · 14/03/2021 19:33

@Shoxfordian

I choose to not sleep with or date anyone else though, it’s not that I don’t have any autonomy anymore. The rest of your examples, like going out wherever I like, and socialising with whomever I choose are still choices I have, and I’m not dictated to by my husband.

None of this has anything to do with the fact that it’s still a huge breach of privacy to go through my phone and in my view, it’s a dealbreaker.

I would say that finding all that was on the phone makes it a dealbreaker regardless, wouldn't you? I'd be interested in just how far you would take the argument. If someone discovered (by looking at their partner's phone) their partner had a second family or murdered someone or was a paedophile, would you still be banging on about the appalling act of looking through their phone? Typical Mumsnet
Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 19:41

If someone found that their partner was a murderer by looking through their phone then obviously they’d have to deal with that but I still don’t think you should go through your partners phone without their knowledge. Its nothing to do with typical mumsnet, it’s just my opinion.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/03/2021 19:52

If we are single, we can date who we want, when we want. We have that autonomy.

Correct, but I chose not to be single. That's not the same as giving up my autonomy.

We can also spend money on whatever we want regardless of whether it is sensible.

Our money in the pot for bills and savings, anything left is our own to spend on what we wish. DH wouldn't dream of telling me what I can and can't spend my money on.

We can go out on the town with whomsoever we wish and sleep with whoever we want.

I do go out with whoever I want - it's not my DH's place to dictate my friendships. Again, the sleeping with people - I've chosen to be in a relationship through my own free will, not because someone has forced me into it. If I wanted to sleep with whoever, I wouldn't have agreed to be in a relationship in the first place.

We can prioritise ourselves every single time and not consider anyone else in most instances. We can decide to move cities at the drop of a hat.

None of that has anything to do with giving up your autonomy, though. I chose to be in a relationship but I didn't choose to give up my free will and my privacy.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 20:05

Thanks @sunflowersandbuttercups
You said it much better than me