How to tell him I want out without him being awful?

[SilentSeether]

I have made a firm decision in my mind that I want out of my marriage.
My DH is not the easiest person, he is very defensive and likes to kick off then play the victim. I don’t think he would get physical but he will create an awful atmosphere, bring the kids into it saying things like mummy doesn’t want our family anymore, or waiting for me to say no to something and then telling them it doesn’t matter what mummy says, daddy says they can, and generally make things very difficult for me.
We have been here before, I left a couple of years ago and I’m kicking myself that I fell for his shit and went back.
Does anyone have any advice or tactics on how to broach the subject with him please?

Can you leave and tell him once you’re all out?

I agree with pp, get your plans in place first, then tell him. Will you be the one leaving, if so, have you a plan for where you will go, sorted out protecting your finances etc?

@goody2shooz

Can you leave and tell him once you’re all out?

yes definitely 🌺

Make your plans, then tell him as you act.

You don't need his agreement. Clearly you'll never get it.

Coercive control?

He will be awful and you can't control that but you can control your response. You can be mentally prepared for his shit and have some stock responses (things you will say or do when xxx comes up).

Keep your eyes on the prize- it will be fantastic to be free from him.

bring the kids into it saying things like mummy doesn’t want our family anymore, or waiting for me to say no to something and then telling them it doesn’t matter what mummy says, daddy says they can, and generally make things very difficult for me

What an immature, manipulative fucker. Try to make sure you are as prepared as possible with your splitting arrangements before letting him know. I don't think you can make it less awful. Just grit your teeth and brace yourself.

@goody2shooz

Can you leave and tell him once you’re all out?

This.

He sounds awful OP.

Plan. Plan plan plan. See a solicitor first. Work out where are you going to live?

I can’t tell him after as we need to sell the house.
I want to sell the house and spilt the equity then I could buy a little place just for me and DC so I need to talk to him about it and he does need to agree unfortunately

You successfully left a few years ago so can you do the same again with how you managed it last time? What has changed from then to now?

Back then we had a smaller house and a smaller mortgage so I left and rented somewhere as he could afford the mortgage on his own. Now our situation is different, neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own.

I think you need to file for divorce?

I can’t tell him that yet, I don’t know how he will react. I think I need to do this gradually, I slept in my DS1’s room last night as he was with his dad. I can sleep in there all week so will do that as a first step.
I think I need to make him want this too, everything has to be his decision or he will go against it. It’s so hard to get the right balance, I just don’t want it impacting on the DC if I can help it.

My ex was one of these drags the kids into it types. It scarred my older 2 kids, the eldest the most. The youngest can't remember any different.

Whatever you're going to do you need to do it asap. The older they get, the worse the effect on them.

@gamerchick I’m sorry you have been through a rough time too. I want out ASAP but it’s not that simple.

I have set myself up in my sons room for the week, his mattress was really hard for me so I went in the loft and got another one out and dragged his one back up there. I have put nice sheets on his bed and have my own pillow. I have but DC 3&4 to bed and I am now camped out in DS1 bedroom drinking wine and watching Netflix.
I told someone at work today too, I just don’t know how to tell him? He doesn’t listen to me anyway so I thought actions would be better.

Has anyone continued to live in the same house whilst waiting for divorce etc?