DH/ my MIL hurt and finding the balance?

[Scottishskifun]

So this might be long sorry......

My DH has never really had a brilliant relationship with his mum to say she's insensitive is an understatement.
My DH used to have a brilliant relationship with his dad but since he had a brain tumour he has changed a lot.

My MIL has never bothered with our son unless we are down visiting, she doesn't call, text, video or find out how he is. Recently I suffered a miscarriage and my MIL seemed to use it as weekly news, we recieved messages from people we didn't know and it caused a lot of hurt that something so personal was used. The most hurt came from my MIL telling her parents so my DH grandparents who are in their 90s who wrote us a letter which came in our sons birthday card.

My DH way of dealing with things is to ignore his mum but she doesn't get that she has done anything wrong. To me he should explain the level of hurt she has caused in a hope that she wishes to address it. But we are stuck in a middle ground my DH not wanting to speak to his mum and me saying he needs to!

Help!

Why do you think he needs to?

Why can't he (and you) distance yourselves from her?

The chances of her admitting what she's done and making any sort of atonement are slim to none.

My MIL does this. I didn't even realise it until she was updating me (I didn't want to know) with detailed information about SIL's health scare then someone in MIL's family rang and she said thanks for calling me back & relayed the same information to them. I asked if SIL was aware of her telling everyone her private medical information like it was an important news headline. She said 'it's family so it doesn't count'.

She couldn't see anything wrong & won't change. I suggest you do what I started doing & tell her NOTHING. My MIL is still twitching she saw me at the GP's clinic last year & I wouldn't tell her why I was there. I was getting results from the same huge health scare SIL had. All clear but no way I wanted it spread about.

Honestly, just accept that you can't change her. Take distance.

You'll never get satisfaction from her.

I'm sorry for your loss
2 things you can do in this situation are;
Aproach your relationship with your mother in law as one between adult women, ring her and make it clear sharing news of your misscarrage isn't acceptable and will stop. It isn't her sons job to act as intermediary.
Realise that when a family member suffers brain damage, it is incredibly hard. You don't mention if she is married to FIL, but when a person's personality changes, it's very distressing for those around them. Concider cutting her and your son some slack because of this.

Sorry for the loss but Out of interest did you or DH tell her not to tell anyone about the m/c. In many families and cultures m/c aren’t hidden away and are instead openly talked about and grieved and I don’t really think that’s a bad thing. All she really did was open an avenue of support & if neither of you told her otherwise I don’t know how you expect her to do otherwise.

The matter concerns you. You should tell your MIL what the problem/hurt is that she caused and how it upset you. Why does your DH have to tell her?

MIL is still married to FIL I think if they weren't my DH wouldn't speak to his mum at all.
She was told that it was private I found out at 14 weeks and she was only told about the pregnancy a week before.
Generally we do have distance (500 miles) but for me the disappointment comes from her lack of interest in her grandchild. She doesn't bother with anything but if we visit then it's completely different.

I think I want my DH to speak to her because his relationship with her is a mess he thinks it's obvious that she knows she's done wrong and he isn't speaking to her and she is oblivious to it.

It’s not her business to share.
Regardless of what other cultures do, I’d find it very intrusive.
But you have to deal with this yourself so I suggest you either call her and tell her or ignore but file away and remember not to tell her anything else in future.

My mil (and sil) are like this. I simply say nothing to them nowadays. I hear about sil and her family's health issues in detail. I don't want to know. So I just say I'm fine... Always. And that way there is no news to share.

You're very naive to think speaking to her will result in her addressing her behaviour. Your dh knows that - after all he has many more years of experience with her than you. What you will get is defensiveness, flipping the blame, martyrdom weeping and sulking silent treatment, while she contacts everyone she knows to tell them how unloving her son and dil are while she's going through such a painful time.

You need to accept this is who she is and act accordingly. It's all about attention for her. She's a gossip because it gets her attention. It doesn't matter how much you tell her your matter is private, to her it's a huge big vat of attention getting goodness. She can't resist. She's more interested in your dc when you bring them to her because she gets attention from them and can then go on to her gossip friends about how wonderful a GM she is without having to put in the actual GM work.

Your dh know her better than you do. He knows the shitstorm calling her out will bring. I agree with him that she knows she's done wrong. She just doesn't care!

@Thingsdogetbetter thanks sadly I think your right and you've summed her up perfectly.

I will tell her that she has caused me hurt as I don't think it's right her behaviour goes unchallenged as to me that's saying it's acceptable which it isn't at all. But I will leave DH. I find it incredibly sad that he doesn't have a relationship with his mum and that our son basically misses out on grandparents.

She won't be told anything in the future.

I am really very sorry for your loss it must be very painful for you both and has been exacerbated by the invasion of your privacy by MIL and “intrusion” by others.

I understand how it is very hurtful that your MIL shows zero interest in your child.

She sounds like a difficult character with a no doubt a long history.

Your DH has chosen distance and to detach from her as he knows she won’t change. PP have recommended this for you also because she will never be the source of your healing, she will never apologise or change (your DH knows this) - she will continue to be the source of further hurt and disappointment in your lives. Don’t go there - don’t expose yourself to her. Turn your back and focus on grieving your loss.

You are right that what she has done is wrong but she has done it for the gossip/attention from others. Even more so at the minute when nothing is happening. It is something to tell people to garner sympathy from them as they would of given her being the one telling them.
Can I just say thought. You say its sad he doesn't have a good relationship with her and therefore your son. Dont force this. There is nothing more irritating than people pushing you to relatives that you have disengaged from because they have shown by their actions they are not bothered. She has shown she is not interested in your child. Why force it so he sees the rejection for himself. It is incredibly exhausting dealing with this type of relative and a huge relief when you pull back and get some peace. And even more so it is usually ones with lovely families that just don't get it.

You seem to be forcing a relationship that just doesn’t exist and won’t change.

WhatThingsDoGetBetter wrote in its entirety. And do not tell her that you're feeling hurt by her; that will merely give her more opportunity to put the boot in. Radio silence from you is therefore necessary.

You likely come from a nice and importantly an emotionally healthy family; your DH was not so lucky. You need to realise that the "normal" rules of familial interactions go completely out the window when it comes to dysfunctional toxic families and so the "normal" rules do not apply. She was also not a good parent to your DH when he was growing up and she was aided and abetted in that by his dad (who like many men in such situations are bystanders and or weak).

You cannot and absolutely must not force a relationship that is not there. Not all families are nice and importantly emotionally healthy. It is about attention for her and indeed she does like your child only because this person is a lovely source of narcissistic supply.

Both of you need to present a united front when it comes to his mother and you need consistently applied boundaries. I would also state that it is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like your DHs mother.

I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics being played out here.

Your dh's relationship with his dm's isn't yours to micro manage..keep thy neb out...

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for the advice it's really helpful.

Yes I don't understand why anyone would behave the way she does with her own children. I always have tried to encourage a relationship with my son because I know she tells people how I favour my own parents and she doesn't get to spend time with her GC...... So I have tried to give her equal opportunity to do so, tried to video call in the last year etc etc. But she's just not interested unless we are physically visiting. I will stop trying and will check out the book!

I'm not trying to micromanage my DH relationship @Easterbunnygettingready my DH misses his dad greatly as he's less capable which means going through his mum to speak to his dad. I had hoped that if he improved his relationship with his mum he would be able to speak to his dad more. I realise from other posters that it's not possible due to her behaviour.

When I met dh he had just rekindled a relationship of sorts with his dm. I encouraged him to visit /be apart of our lives (I had dc).. She became more and more controlling. We backed away. So did she. And took his df with her... Dh lost his df. His was truly toxic. Your dh needs to separate his relationships to be him and his df only if possible..