Is he using me or?

[ellie09]

Me and my ex broke up in November. He said he couldn't be with me any more due to his depression, and needed time on his own to heal etc rather than being with anybody.

The last few months of our relationship he was constantly sleeping, our sex life was dwindling and I was becoming more and more depressed myself.

About a week after we split, we decided to remain friends as nobody really "done" anything to the other. I was heartbroken, I still am. I see him once a week, and more often than not we have sex.

Only since we split, suddenly hes able to have sex more often, He's more experimental. He still tells me he loves me. We cuddle up. He spends the night when the child is not here (don't want to confuse him)

Yet he is also almost encouraging me to date other people? He will ask how my online dating is going (he knows I'm online), He's offered to babysit while I go out on dates, And to me it feels a little weird. I've asked him is he dating anyone, he says he isn't even thinking about it.

I don't know whether he's trying to force me, just so he wouldn't feel as guilty saying he is, although we have both agreed to let one another know if we have met anyone else.

About two months ago, my depression hit rock bottom and I've ended up back on my anti depressants after contemplating self harm. Most days I'm fine now but other days this completely wrecks my head and I find myself heartbroken all over again.

What do you guys think?

Stop being "friends" with him, stop sleeping with him. You need time and space to focus on yourself, deal with your depression, heal your broken heart. You can't do it while he is around

How long had you been together? Were you reaching a milestone like moving in etc?
I had an ex who encouraged me to date and get out there (because he was but I didn't know that)

Sounds like he is enjoying getting the best of both worlds, you are giving him comfortable company with sex and no emotional obligation.

What advice would you give a friend? There are 100's if single guys (probably) in your area. Go get someone better!!

What do you guys think

I have a yes or no question for you:

Is he meeting your relationship needs?

I think you need to take command of this situation.

It is clearly screwing with your head and I don't blame you for feeling mixed up and depressed.

I would myself end things with him, whatever reasons he has for assisting you with your dating life cannot be condusive to having a loving primary relationship with him.

I think you know what you have to do, don't you.

That's a confusing relationship status you've got going on there.

I mean you say that since you decided to be friends the sex is better. Am I too old to understand this?

Yes, he's using you. I'm sorry. You need to cut him off. He's not thinking of you at all. He can have sex more now as he's not worried about being in a relationship with you that he didn't want to be in. You deserve better.

You need to put yourself first. Is this working for you? If not then go no contact.
I generally don’t agree with remaining friends with ex partners unless you need to coparent. It stops you moving in with your life.

You need peace and serenity right now not a headfuck. If he is sincere about being a good friend to you he would understand this and leave you alone. If not, well then it’s all about him isn’t it

It's complicating things also think how men wanting to date you would feel if your sleeping with your ex, you're not ready to date at all in this situation. Get back with him or be single.

Goodness...this man is only after a booty call. He gets everything a man wants out of you for FREE as he doesn't have to love you or give that wonderful relationship and support you want. Most guys only want this.

You need to cut all contact with him, he's just using you now.
He's probably lying to you about seeing others and he's trying to make himself feel better by encouraging you to do the same.
For your own sanity - just block.

He’s using you

He is 100% using you and telling you so as well.

This all sounds highly dysfunction. He's even telling you to date other people, when in fact you can do what you like.
Stay single, date, start a new venture I'd you so please. It's all up to you! Not him.

It sounds as if he's attempting to control you while happily getting a bit on the side. He is wreaking havoc on your MH. You really ought to be transforming your life for the better, for the long-term good of yourself and your DC, not shackling yourself to further dysfunction.

Respect yourself enough to set boundaries, to move forward with your life and to learn to enjoy your own company.

You don't need this nonsense in your life. Life is too short and precious for this bullshit. Close your eyes, clear your heart, let it go.

People in healthy relationships don't question whether their partner is using them. So, the very fact that you're asking the question means you need to end the relationship, whether he's using you or not.

@Eckhart

People in healthy relationships don't question whether their partner is using them. So, the very fact that you're asking the question means you need to end the relationship, whether he's using you or not.

Completely agree with this.

He just wants you for sex, and he gets off on the idea of you with other guys. He's definitely not a keeper!

Let me give you an alternative perspective.

Most likely he realised that he was no good for you the way he was, and saw that it was starting to affect you negatively. So in his head breaking up made sense and was the right thing to do.

What followed has made it messy though. You need to have a clean break and some space from each other. You’re obviously close and it’s all too convenient for both to keep each other company, sleep together etc. But the underlying situation hasn’t changed - a long-term relationship still isn’t a good idea, and in his own strange way he is telling you to find someone who is right/ good for you.

I know it’s hard to properly break off from someone you care about while you’re both having a rough time. But for the well-being of both of you, you need to cut ties until you’re over him and moved forward with your life. You can’t move forward and feel better while you’re still in this semi-relationship with him. Having the person that you need to get over be your support mechanism after break-up - that was never going to work.

You don’t need to be harsh, just get him to understand that, it’s no good for him either. Then throw yourself into being busy, friends, activities you enjoyed before him. Distract yourself, take a step back, soon enough you’ll be able to see clearly what’s best for you and makes you happy.

@MakeAWhish

Yes, he's using you. I'm sorry. You need to cut him off. He's not thinking of you at all. He can have sex more now as he's not worried about being in a relationship with you that he didn't want to be in. You deserve better.

This!

I guess most of you are correct, its just so bloody hard!

I put up with a lot.. The constant sleeping, withdrawing from me, he was working crazy overtime and now I'm saying here wondering was it all just a bit of an act to try and get me to dump him and when it didn't work he fired ahead.

I find it odd how he had no interest in sex and all of a sudden he has these crazy kinks and wants it every week.

Thanks for the advice all, I think I need to concentrate on finding someone that wants all of me and not just parts of me when it is suitable for them

You won't be able to sort out your head until you stop seeing him. At all.

Sleeping with him on a weekly basis is guaranteed to scupper any chance you have of moving on and feeling healthy and free.

Please go no contact. He is having his cake and eating it. And it is you who is suffering .