New relationship advice

[Carrottop20]

I have been single after having my daughter 8 and a bit years ago im generally happy single but sometimes I feel it would be nice to have a partner and possibly another child before I am to old.

I met someone on a dating site maybe around 9 months ago and have been chatting for a while we met up for a walk just before Xmas then a few more times. He has come over to my house quiet a few times his a nice person, always texting me, offering to help out and we get on well. He asked if we was offical as we had been seeing each other for a while I said yes.

All my othet relationships have been with complete idiots who treat me like.... no job, do drugs ect.

This guys diffrent He has a job, a car, financially independent, makes me laugh, wants me to meet his friends and just generally seams like a nice person.
We have a laugh but I just don't feel like I really have any feelings for him... I dont know of its just him or it would be any guy and I've just gone off relationships and unitrsted in sex.

I feel like I'm stringing him along a bit but I also feel like I wojls be like this with anyone getting serious with me. I need help :(

Work out your own stuff within yourself before trying to have a relationship. If you feel you might be like this with anybody, that doesn't mean that you need to settle for feeling like this, or that you should involve anybody else in your emotional tribulations.

Whether you'd feel like this with anybody isn't really relevant right now, because you're only with him. And if you feel like this with him, that's all that matters; you need to leave.

You don't have feelings for him. Why would you think you should have a relationship with him? Where does that 'should' come from? Who makes the rules in your life?

Once you are single, if you think that you would have the same response to any relationship, you need to sort that out.

Thanks for your reply. I've been single for 8 years I don't think my feelings will change about relationships. I thought maybe I needed to push my self.

This guys diffrent He has a job, a car, financially independent,
Your standards in the past must have been low.

wants me to meet his friends
He wants to show you off as a trophy to get him attention, maybe?

We have a laugh but I just don't feel like I really have any feelings for him...
You're just not that into him

I dont know of its just him or it would be any guy and I've just gone off relationships and unitrsted in sex.
Probably a bit of both.

Eckhart 's advice is spot on.

@Carrottop20

Thanks for your reply. I've been single for 8 years I don't think my feelings will change about relationships. I thought maybe I needed to push my self.

A relationship, by definition, is relating to somebody. So, if you'd told him how you feel, instead of MN, how would that have gone?

Being single isn't the method of changing your feelings about relationships. What else have you done regarding your emotional wellbeing? Have you got to the bottom of what's causing the problem?

Really, the whole idea that a person should 'push themselves' to be in a relationship/enjoy a relationship is problematic. Why do you think that way? What goal is it that you're pushing yourself towards? If the goal isn't 'Have a relationship with somebody I'm not attracted to', then what you're doing makes no sense.

You do know that we can't choose who we're attracted to, don't you?

What Eckhart wrote at 13.51.

Re your comment:-
"All my othet relationships have been with complete idiots who treat me like.... no job, do drugs etc."

None of those ever lasted long and after some abusive relationships you've met someone who is not abusive. That must feel pretty strange to you and perhaps brings up some "not good enough" feelings within you. BTW you are good enough but you truly have to believe that for your own self; its no good someone else telling you.

How did that happen to you, what did you learn about relationships here when you were growing up?. What sort of an example were you shown?. Were you led to believe you are not "good enough"?. Do you have rescuer or saviour tendencies when it comes to relationships?

What have you indeed done about your emotional wellbeing these past 8 years?. It may be an idea also for you to have counselling with someone like a BACP registered therapist to thrash this all out.

I don't meet people I'm a single parent. I don't very often have childcare. The only people I see are other mum friends.
I do find him attractive. I get on well with him.
I feel like I wanted to push my self because in reality i could be single for ever. Which is fine for now. But eventually my daughter will grow up.
I'm not really sure how to work out my feelings about relationships.

Thanks for your reply this is really helpful. U was with my daughters dad for about 5 years, and although it was shit I think that made it easier.

I grew up with my mum and dad who arw still happily together and my grandparents who where still together.

I think therapy would be a good idea but feel stupid going to the drs about it.

I don't really feel good or confident it anything I do..

When did your confidence first get knocked? Were you encouraged to express your feelings as a child? You say your parents are together and happy - what is your relationship like with them? Are you all open and honest together about how you feel about things?

I have a good relationship with them but I guess we don't really "talk".
I have no idea I don't ever really remember being confident. I had a pretty awful relationship when i was 15 which was controlling and not healthy.

So, if you don't really 'talk', I'm guessing that means about emotions? So, your parents are not really 'emotional' types, but you are? Would that seem right?

No I guess not. I'm not really sure when else to say. I feel like ending things is the right thing to do and accept that I will most likely stay single now and hope that I still have friends around me when as I get older

Well, if you weren't given a good template by your parents on how to talk about and deal with emotions, then you've not been 'well trained' in how to have relationships. You'll likely be a bit rubbish at understanding what you feel, what triggers your feelings, how to talk about feelings, how to get to a place in life where what you feel is 'good', etc etc.

It's totally not your fault. But, if you want to get to a place where what you feel is 'good', then you just need to learn to understand and respond to your feelings better.

It's not a mountain. It's a shift in mindset that can happen in an afternoon.

Why would you feel stupid going to the doctors about it? Loads of well established, successful people have therapy and counselling, you know. What do you think is up with people who have therapy?

I feel stupid because I feel like I'm making it up when I'm saying it out loud or as though they won't believe me. Stupid I know

But that's a symptom, you see.

All through your childhood, and into adulthood, you have been given the example by your parents that emotions are not things you talk about.

I wonder if, perhaps when you were little, and you showed your emotions, you were told 'don't be silly!' or something similar?

That's what you're doing to yourself, now.

Maybe.... you seam pretty clued up any advice on what to do?

For me it was useful to start by writing down my feelings. Not to show to anybody. Just to get the feelings outside of me, into the world.

I had a lot of anger, so I needed a big red pen (I went out especially for it!) and to start with, I wrote a lot of capitals and did a lot of underlining. The little me inside had been having a tantrum for years, and finally was getting recognised.

Another thing you can do is think of things that make you feel good. Really good, you know, not just like a bar of chocolate, but fulfilled. Maybe walking in your favourite place or doing a particular form of exercise that makes you feel good all day after, or something creative, or learning something, or reading about your favourite subjects. DO THOSE THINGS. All the time. Make yourself aware of how good it feels when you focus on feeling good.

After a while, you start to think that, if a person is doing all these great things, they must be pretty respectable, right? They spend time making themselves happy, they're passionate about the things in their life, they smile a lot and have interesting things to talk about regarding what they've been up to... and then suddenly you realise 'OMG that's self respect!'

Once you've focused on feeling good, you'll be much less likely to accept a relationship that makes you feel anything less than amazing, rather than where you are now, which is basically 'If he's into me and he's not abusive, I ought to be able to make this work, even though he doesn't tick my boxes.'

Does that all make sense?

Yeah that does make sense I just need to figure out what I like to do othet that watch netflix or spend time with my mum friends lol.

Thank you you are being very helpful. I'm just frightening inside my head all the time

@Carrottop20

Yeah that does make sense I just need to figure out what I like to do othet that watch netflix or spend time with my mum friends lol.

Yes! Many people live their whole lives in crap relationships, hiding from their feelings, watching Netflix. Doing exploratory work on finding out what you love is a great project. There's so much available online now, too, so everything is accessible. Somebody told me years ago to think back to what I used to love when I was 11, to find out where my passions lie. It helped. Perhaps it will for you too.

It can be scary inside our own heads, especially if we don't share feelings with other people. It's easy to get isolated, which is very bad for the human psyche. It's easy to feel like you're different, or that you're doing something wrong. But those feelings are ones that cause us to make unhealthy connections, like the one you're having with this guy you're dating. Because if you're in a relationship, then somebody accepts you, right? Somebody thinks you're ok, so then you feel less isolated.

The key to it is not to look for that solution in somebody else. Once you can get to the stage of saying 'Actually, I think I ROCK', that's when to get into a relationship, if you find somebody who rocks as much as you do

I'm glad I've been useful. I had counselling for a year to sort out similar issues for myself. Life changing. I'm glad to pass it on.