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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to break free from an abusive relationship: I need your wise words

15 replies

Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 09:19

Please send in your support and advise if you’ve managed this successfully. I have been married for almost 15 years, 3 kids, and a huge mortgage together ( so may not be able to afford it to stay put for the kids sake)

I just want my freedom back. I had enough of walking on eggshells, crying, being controlled, dismissed, yelled at etc. I am scared as husband threatened to hit me before (he never did but he might as a last resort?) please send in your support so I don’t backtrack this time round...

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 13/03/2021 09:35

Have you done your figure on how much you need to keep the house or whether you have enough equity to buy somewhere smaller? It is extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship. My local da charity advised me to always have a bag packed with essentials so the if the situation escalated then I could grab the kids and run. I always kept the bag on the bottom of the buggy with my shoes next to it. I also started stashing any money I could away. I sold old toys, bike and clothes for the extra money I needed. Also go on benefits calculator such as entitled to. You might be better off by yourself.

Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 09:41

Thanks. I have been planning my escape for a while now and started working full time when little one was only 6mo. I get paid enough to rent/afford food etc for the kids, but would prefer staying put if possible so I don’t disturb their schooling etc. I will try to find out if I can keep the house, but doubt I will be given a mortgage on just my name Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 09:44

But that’s all secondary. I just want to break free from this relationship at all cost. H is emotionally abusive with unpredictable mood swings but he will become really nice sometimes (this is probably v familiar pattern right?)

OP posts:
sweetnessnfight · 13/03/2021 09:50

I escaped an abusive relationship last March. I kicked him out, only my name on the mortgage. I haven't looked back, life is peaceful and calm. The kids are fine. Please see a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row, you deserve to be happy.

RandomMess · 13/03/2021 09:55

If you need to flee to a refuge so be it. Nothing is as bad as a lifetime for you and the DC living like that.

How much equity is in the house?

user1471462428 · 13/03/2021 10:15

Yes it’s a cycle of abuse, controlling, aggressive then nice when they’re worried they will lose you.

Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 10:43

About 150K equity on the house. >400k mortgage to payoff so can’t afford that on my current salary...but might be able to buy a small place if we sell? Just don’t want to move area because of kids schooling. I have a friend nearby that I am meeting today to see if I can flee to their place if needed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 10:44

I just feel I wasted the past 15 years if my life hoping for the father of my children to treat me with respect! I just feel like such a fool! Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/03/2021 10:46

I wondered if there were any shared ownership options in your area?

Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 10:47

There might be...will take a look

OP posts:
Ahmose · 13/03/2021 10:48

If it was easy then no one would be in this situation and plenty are.
You are not a fool, you are a good person and you don't deserve this.
Why don't you try speaking to Women's Aid? They are amazing and not just for refuge places. They will help you with practical advice about how to get out.

RandomMess · 13/03/2021 10:51

If you ask him to leave/tell him you are divorcing him and he kicks off phone the police. If the remove him you could apply for an occupation order to at least give you the right to stay there whilst the finances are sorted.

Does your H have a good company pension as that is a marital asset too?

Where I lived before you could get rental help whilst the marital home is sold if leaving domestic abuse which what you are doing as he emotionally abuses you. Obviously how much depends on savings and income etc. So worth making an appointment with the local council housing officer to see what options they offer.

Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 10:58

Thank you! I have spoken with Women’s aid before but will call them again to firm up my plans! He threatened to hit me last week (I haven’t slept well since as too scared), He calmed down now and told him I’m leaving (maybe I shouldn’t have?). He knows the police will get involved if he has another anger fit. Can I still report last week’s incident but I have no proof?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitingfor2025 · 13/03/2021 10:59

No good company pension as such just a small private one!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/03/2021 11:03

Yes please report it to the police ASAP and let them know the situation it means they can put a flag on your address.

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