How to help my 8 year old son to not cry when his dad drops him home

[Jackjack123]

I’m looking for any kind of advice, me and bf split up over a year ago, we have an 8 year old son together who is so so attached to his daddy, he has only recently started going to his daddy’s house as it was to difficult for him so I let my ex see him in my house, put him to bed etc... a year down the line and it’s just not working, I feel like I’m still in a relationship with him, we don’t have any dealings with each other but as he still comes to my house on his days off I’m feeling so trapped, can anyone advise me on how to approach the matter, my son breaks down in tears every time I bring up the fact that his daddy can’t always put him to bed, my ex isn’t the easiest to talk to as he gets very argumentative and I hate confrontation, I’m just at the end of my tether...,,

I think it would be so much better for all of you if your ex had his own home and your ds had a fixed, regular routine of spending time overnight there. Then ds would get used to the predictability of the routine.

He has an apartment not far from where we live, ds has tried to stay overnight but cries to get back home, he just wants daddy to put him to bed in my home, I feel so awful because I don’t want to upset my son anymore than we already have

Your son will never get used to sleeping at his dad's if he's allowed to insist his dad put him to bed at yours. He's not a baby, he's old enough to understand.

Agree he needs to see his dad at his dad’s house not yours, so that he can start to make the separation real in his head. There’s nothing wrong with him being sad to say goodbye to his dad, that’s normal, and nothing to try and talk him out of, just give him a hug and tell him you and his daddy both love him. How much time is he spending with his dad?

He’s basically going through the transition phase now instead of when you split, as he hasn’t really had to deal with it properly until now. Plenty of kids learn to live with two homes and get on fine

Can you go to a friend's house while your ex settles your child at your home, on pre set nights by you. 3 times a week. till he asleep,? It's not a great
Arrangement for you, but it'll make your child happy.. and maybe your ex won't be so argumentative but will be grateful to you.

Hmmm sounds difficult for you as I guess some days/ nights it's like you're still in a relationship.

DS is not going to suddenly one day tell you he's ready to start staying at dads now (not in the next year or 2 anyway).

You need to agree with ex a plan, for example on Tuesdays Ex collects from school for tea then brings home and leaves- not putting him to bed. Another day Ex collects and keeps overnight and you have him back the next day. Regardless of upset your da will learn.

He's possible more confused now though because you're not together then you are, dads not home to put him to bed- but then he is the next night... he will learn but it may be tough at first.

Then, you get your home back and privacy from ex.

I agree with the others.

Put in a routine and some boundaries and your DS will adapt. Might be a tough transition if he's used to his parents pandering to his wants. But he will thank you in the long run when he gets that quality time with dad in dad's home

Thank you all for your comments, now that he’s back at school his dad collects him and takes him to his 2 days a week, gives him his dinner etc then brings him home at bedtime and puts him to bed, it’s over a year now and I thought at the time it was going to make the transition easier but it’s made it worse 😓

@Jackjack123 easily undone if Ds happily goes back to dads after school without you as he's already getting used to dads space/ his time there without you.

I'd make a plan to wean Ds off dad putting him to bed at yours- you know your boy and what's best.
For some a sudden stop with an age appropriate explanation AND the alternative plan is what works best. So; daddy loves doing bedtime but so does mummy- at mummy's home mummy can do it then at daddy's daddy can do it so we share bedtimes.
Has he stayed over at dads yet? If not, might be an idea for dad to do a 'let's sleep in the lounge camping theme' so Ds has dad all night and isn't alone (unless he wants that).

Otherwise it may be with or without Ds knowing that dad putting to bed at yours reduces, so 1 night out of 2 for a couple of weeks etc but sometimes this can cause anxiety for kids not knowing/ prolonging what they don't want to happen.

I would be age appropriate honest. It's never going to be easy but the sooner the better for all of you.

We do all we can to protect our children so don't be hard on yourself for this! It's obvious you have treated Ds as your top priority

Hand over needs to happen at the door.

Reach an agreement with your ex and stick to it.

Dad does bedtime at Dad’s (maybe refer to it as your ie Dad and son’s) apartment and Mummy does bedtime at our house. Repeat the mantra at bedtime with you and remind your son before he goes to Dad’s.

Consistency matters, say it in preparation and then do it.

Are you letting the upset be dragged out or are you abs you're ex ripping the plaster off at goodbye time?

I say this as my exp and his dd mother would allow her to work herself up into hysteria rather than cutting it off and letting her move on. If they had done this she would have been tucked up in the car 10 minutes down the road and calm. Instead she would still be standing in the car park sobbing whilst they just stood there. Was awful.

Could you avoid the toughest bit by dad picking up from school & Ds staying overnight & dad dropping back at school the next morning rather than dad dropping him at home? Agree you need to stop the current arrangements so Ds can get used to new ones. So tough op x

You just need to be firm. I’ve got an 8 year old DS and he’s perfectly capable of putting himself to bed. Cleaning teeth, getting in bed then a nighttime quick kiss. He’s not a toddler. It doesn’t need a bedtime rigmarole anymore. Make the rules clear. Daddy doesn’t come in the house. He has a bed at your house and a bed at daddy’s. End of. Are you sure your ex isn’t playing this up to keep being able to get into your house? It stops you being able to move on

Is your ex saying he is upset and wants to come home so you can't have a full night to yourself ? Has your son actually said he doesn't want to stay there ?

Sorry just re read , you say he breaks down in tears . But could this be your ex putting thoughts in his head ?if he loves being with his dad then he should be able to get used to staying there. Could you suggest to your ex that he lets your son choose the decor for his room at his dads ?

The crying is a good sign, I wouldn’t try to stop him crying! My DC, aged 9, can still have a little cry wen her dad drops her back here after contact, and we have been separated 8 years. I give her a hug, say how it’s ok to miss her dad and she loves her weekends there. Only letting her get it out makes it better. She is fine after a little cry, and the majority of the time she takes it all in her stride, she’s very happy and well adjusted but when she does cry I just let her.

Once you’ve established a new routine I think he well get used to it but don’t view any expression of feeling as “it’s going wrong” - it’s the opposite. It’s a lot to process.

I found in the early days it was better almost to worry about myself and how I was feeling/processing...once I felt stronger about it all I was better able to help my DC cope.

She now has a very happy life with both sets of parents, it really does get better.

So a little update, just spoke to my ex this morning and yes as I thought he is not one bit happy about what I have suggested, basically he said that he doesn’t agree with what I want to do and that he will tell my son that this is all my doing, I’m absolutely shaking and terrified, I knew an argument would happen, he doesn’t think it’s the right time to start just dropping him off and that I am causing this hurt on DS 😢 I do know how hard this is going to be and now I don’t have my ex’s support it will be me that has to pick up the pieces 😢

Well yeah it's easier for him to not have his son overnight. He doesn't get to choose. How are you ever going to be able to move on if you ex is invading your home several nights a week?

He is your ex for a reason. He doesn't need to be happy with what you have decided.

It is clear that it is easier for him to keep this situation going rather than step up to being a proper parent on his own.

I would say to him It's a pity that you seem determined to make it harder for your son, but that's up to you. Our relationship is over and DS needs to realise this. It's doing him no favours by dragging this out.

And then I'd just grey rock it all. This is happening, and DS will get used to it. Agree with all the others saying he doesn't get to come into your home anymore. He certainly doesn't get to come over on his days off. Handover and collect at the door.

I think you are going to have to just reassure him, make sure he knows who is doing what and when and stand firm. If you are being all bendy about things how can he feel confident that everything is OK and you are making the best /right plans for him. He needs a routine that is predictable and he can get used to and you need to fake it so he knows it is ok. Good luck !

Presumably your Ex has no right to enter your home? If he has no right then drop off happens at the door.

You need to be firm with them both. Practice a non confrontational phrase (“Say Goodnight to Daddy, remember you will see him again on Monday,” or whatever.) Maybe have some support waiting inside (single parent support bubble) to back you up?

Thank you all so much for your comments, I’ve definitely found some sense of ease that I’m doing the right thing, at the beginning I truly thought I was doing the right thing to help my son and to adjust to me and his dad being separated, I’ve certainly learnt from my mistakes, I always knew he was going to make things extremely difficult for me so I stayed with him but couldn’t go on any longer...... thanks again everyone