How do people cover up affairs?

[Partygirl2021]

A friend confided in me that she has been having an emotional affair with an ex who is married to someone else. She said they arranged to meet a couple of times but she backed out at last minute because she knew it was wrong but they still text (he recently moved abroad). From what she says they were messaging almost daily for months and sexting with pictures. I have her ex on Facebook and he posts family photos with his kids and wife. How do these people have no shame portraying being the perfect family man (or woman as they are just as capable) but then basically cheating? Surely their over halves notice the phone behaviour, especially when it’s constant?

Entitled and good at compartmentalising.

Often it does get noticed, but the partner isn't 100% sure & hoping for the best, and the cheat gaslights and manipulates them if challenged.

And some people's habits on their phone/pc are pretty much always on it anyway, so it's not different.

And yes as above poster said usually it affects the relationship in some way that may not always be obvious. ‘Temperature change’ in relationship turned around on the cheated one through gaslighting.

Good liars
Gaslighters
DARVO
Drip drip drip death by a thousand papercuts shittiness
Making their partner feel they are lucky to have them and they are a prize

Basically, being such a massive cunt they can convincingly cover up and / or lie.

Especially on their kids lives, they love that one.

Projecting

Based on exH, who was a prolific cheater unbeknownst to me, everything youvegottenminuteslynn said and a job which frequently requires you to work late/weekends anyway. Unfortunately it turned out much of the "work" was of the non-paying kind .

I'm sure it did wonders for staff morale though as he generally shagged people he worked with plus a few he picked up OLD.

Because when you don't have proof you're often told that you're imagining it and then because you can't find proof you start to believe that you're crazy! It's a horrible, gas lighting vicious circle.

I'm always on my phone so I suppose if I were to suddenly start up an affair (I'm single anyway) my phone usage wouldn't change that much. People are very sneaky and clever about covering their tracks. I know 100% my exH was up to something but could never ever catch the proof. I reckon every time things started getting too suspicious he got rid of the woman and laid low for a while.

Everything youvegottenminuteslynn said.

And on a practical level -

Using a website, much like this one, to message each other, so no text or email trail.

A job that enables you to be “off site” or you are not answerable for your whereabouts during the working day. And/or mixed with a day or half day here and there of annual leave. Plus ‘working’ overtime and or weekends.

A friend’s ex would go and do the weekly food shop and meet the OW on the way home from Tesco for a quick blow job in a lay-by, once with their baby asleep in the car seat next to him.

I see plenty of people saying “they’re definitely not having an affair, they’re either at work or at home with me” and I feel sorry for how naïve they are.

Jeezo, very insightful. Thanks everyone. When I asked my friend about the sexting stuff (as it mostly happened at night) I thought how the hell does his wife not notice this when she’s lying in bed next to him. Dick pics, telling my friend what he would do to her etc. I just don’t understand how his wife could not have noticed... although perhaps she turned a blind eye who knows. And a PP is right about when suspicions get high they lay low for a while, I hadn’t thought of that (as my friend said the guy would “ghost” her for days or a week and then suddenly text her saying where did you disappear to / are you not talking to me anymore). Strange behaviour...

@Partygirl2021

Jeezo, very insightful. Thanks everyone. When I asked my friend about the sexting stuff (as it mostly happened at night) I thought how the hell does his wife not notice this when she’s lying in bed next to him. Dick pics, telling my friend what he would do to her etc. I just don’t understand how his wife could not have noticed... although perhaps she turned a blind eye who knows. And a PP is right about when suspicions get high they lay low for a while, I hadn’t thought of that (as my friend said the guy would “ghost” her for days or a week and then suddenly text her saying where did you disappear to / are you not talking to me anymore). Strange behaviour...

Ugh your friends focus should be less on how his wife doesn't know and more on why she's behaving like such an utter dick.

In most affairs I imagine people are quite realistic about contact. Ie they know they will not speak after 6 or 7pm. They have regular hours of being in touch - during the work day for example. And then no contact when each AP is home.

They have secret words or phrases they can use when they want to speak to each other in one of these times. Or even in some cases, alternative phones.

They fake other problems, like alcoholism, work stress, PTSD or depression to explain away their coldness and absence.

Yeah my thoughts were affairs had no contact outside of non working hours but in this case it was all day / nights / weekends. No set pattern, anytime anywhere and he is responsive like right away. You just wonder how they get away with it, even if there’s no physical stuff.

By claiming they're struggling with their mental health so that you don't question them being glued to their phone or needing to go out to clear their head because you're made to feel unsupportive if you do

Oh, and your friend- wow. Shame on her.

Someone who works irregular hours, so could quite legitimately be called away for an emergency.
Someone who has separate friends, so is often down the pub or away with the lads or doing jobs away from home.
Someone who doesn't give much away about their lives, is quite secretive and less likely to trip themselves up.
Someone who is a good liar and has a sense of entitlement as PP said.
Someone who can compartmentalise and rationalise (what she doesn't know won't hurt her; we're more like brother and sister; I couldn't hurt her by leaving her, so it's best for everyone).

Work: working long hours, working away, working alone.
Phone: Deleting messages, talking through the day, limited messages at night, saving APs under different names on phone.
Staying one step ahead, moving to different platforms to talk to AP if spouses get suspicious.
Serial cheats, or those in long term affairs are best at hiding affairs and living double lives.
Gaslighting
Diverting your attention with pomp and splendor. Trying to balance between the spouse and the affair partner. Takes one away for their birthday will take the other away too.
Best thing to be is vigilant and look out for small signals.
Always sends a message (or appears to be on the phone) before bedtime.
Call log in the car system
Suddenly wants to cook/bake/new hobby/new drink