Regret?

[Flowersandcandles]

Long story which I'll hopefully summarise.

Together with someone for 2 years, he came to the conclusion he couldn't commit. Family involved with influencing decision (different cultures)

Came back a year after, said he regretted it & committed to a timeline of getting to know family, marrying & moving in. This didn't work out, met parents twice (at my pushing) and eventually admitted he wasn't ready for marriage yet & I needed to give it time. I ended it as the waiting, anxiety & confusion of it all was so overwhelming & detrimental to my mental health.

The problem is I love him, miss him terribly & feel heartbroken without him. He has many good qualities, loving, caring etc. But has also completely messed me around, left me doubting my own anxieties over not moving forward as he didn't admit until right at the end he wasn't ready for marriage.

I guess I have a small regret that he may have come good if I had given it more time? I imagine not. I just need someone to give my head a wobble & would be interested to hear others experiences/thoughts. We're both early thirties.

You wasted enough time on this fuckwit. If he were an actual adult he'd be with you, but alas, he's nothing but a manchild. You're very well rid.

Thanks for the reassurance. I do think I should consider why I let myself believe it all again. Feel incredibly foolish, naive & stupid really.

You're not stupid, op. You were trusting and hopeful. I hope you know you deserve far better than this man. His loss to be sure.

Thank you, it means so much

It's a case of wanting to believe it & realising if it was going to happen it would have years ago. I don't know what more I could've done really in the relationship as we get on very well.

But the process does make you feel stupid, especially when everyone around you knows it wouldn't work. I do wonder his motivation, it seems an incredibly cruel thing to do to someone.

I'm sure I'll realise I deserve better in time & can take a small amount of comfort that I ended it

You did the right thing, you can't let him mess you about. Don't be so hard on yourself, he led you on to believe marriage could happen, the second chance not working out definitely confirms he's not right for you.

You're grieving the good parts and your impossible dreams of what you hoped it might be.

The feelings will pass.

One thing I've learned from my experience is that if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. There is nothing you could say, do that can change that. By giving it one more chance you can remove any feeling of responsibility from yourself as you've done all you could. Please don't beat yourself up as I did. Really ripped myself apart after a break up I felt could have worked if I'd ' just tried harder'. Fast forward 4 years, met my amazing husband, engaged after a year, married, first baby now 7 months... made me realise that if it's right, you shouldn't have to work so hard. I'd spent my whole adult life working to try and make partners want to be with me but that was exhausting and not sustainable in the long term.

@user14515324156262562 it does feel like grief & I guess a loss of what I thought we'd have

@RLGGG so pleased you had a happy ending! You're so right, I did my best & couldn't have done anything more. I sometimes get sentimental that I'll never meet someone like him but that's just absurd really. I sometimes loose my perspective on it 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Flowersandcandles it doesn't sound like you have good boundaries or high enough self worth. Never look to a man to validate you.

If it's cultural, be aware that such men are often only too happy to use women outside their culture for easy, convenient sex but plan all along to marry and commit to someone from their own culture. You've already let him disrespect and use you for long enough. Stop being a doormat and sever all contact. Time will heal.

Also, all men are loving and caring in order to get sex. If you decided not to sleep with him then his true colours would have come out much earlier.