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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t know what to do

4 replies

V1988 · 12/03/2021 18:46

I feel like a fraud here because I’m not a mum. I really want to one day have a family but my situation is difficult. I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years, living in our house for just over 3 years. He had told me he had an issue with gambling quite early on but he never seemed to struggle for money after this initial blow out and for all I knew he had put it behind him. 6 years later we move into our mortgaged house and not long after we moved in I noticed he was drinking heavily. I would find cans and bottles hidden as well as notes and letters to himself where he was saying he wanted to kill himself. Eventually I addressed this. Turns out he had severe gambling addiction and was drinking he said through boredom. I tried to support him. I paid for a councillor - he didn’t go. He went to AA but then quit. The last 2 years have been a cycle of him trying then falling off the wagon. As such, we haven’t had sex because I don’t feel in the mood so no way I’m ever going to be a parent at this rate. Last October, I had enough. I told him to go and stay with his parents. He made real progress. He then came home and has started paying me some money towards the house (before this I had nothing off him). He’s still drinking though. He drinks sometimes and hides it from me. Then, last week I found a container with small plastic sachets of white power. I don’t know what they are. We have not had the best of weeks and have barely spoken. I love him but I don’t know if I can keep living like this. Anyway I just really wanted somewhere to offload - I feel like all of this is a weight on my mind all the time. This feels better getting it out.

OP posts:
mamabear449 · 12/03/2021 19:12

Just imagine if you had a child and that child had found sachets of white powder in your house.

Do you want him to leave?

Umbivalent · 12/03/2021 19:15

It's really lucky that you don't have children with him. You are free to leave him right now.

Or actually, to kick him out - because it sounds like he's living in your house?

lifehack · 12/03/2021 19:19

I would try and get out of this relationship if I were you, it's been 8 years of this crap , he won't change and he doesn't make a good choice as a husband and father , you have the opportunity to end the relationship while you can. He has his parents for support so let him go back home.

Crimeismymiddlename · 12/03/2021 22:01

It is insane that you have had these problems for years but you purchased a house, got engaged and seem to be planning children. At this point the powder could be coke or drain cleaner-he has a gambling addiction and is an alcoholic, if he starts taking drugs then that’s just another fuck up on his part. You seem very removed from the situation, and it comes across that you are at the end and sort of kidding yourself that there will be a happily ever after. Please don’t sleep walk into getting married-who knows how much debt you would be liable for and he has not even been paying his share of your house. Let him go home to his parents, enjoy being single without this total liability.

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