There's a lot of background here so please bare with me.
Been with dp for 6 years. We have a 4yo dc and I have my eldest from a previous relationship. We're not married. Dp is the main earner, I only work a few hours a week.
I unexpectedly got pregnant about a year in to our relationship, which immediately changed our dynamic as a couple. I saw a different side to dp that I hadn't seen before. He got stressed quickly and started being rude to me and even had an awful row with my dm. When we were looking for a house and schools for my eldest he got so stressed he literally banged his head against a wall (massive red flag I know but I was pregnant so let it go).
After I had our dc I was quite ill in hospital for a while. I didn't get out and about properly until about 4 months after, it was all very traumatic and I think I still probably have some kind of ptsd from it, possibly dp does too. Through all this dp was supportive but also incredibly short fused. On one occasion I was very anxious and upset about my health and he said if I didn't pull myself together he would leave. Obviously he didn't leave and we continued in this way for some time. We were both extremely exhausted and stressed for a long while as our dc did not sleep well and still doesn't sleep through at 4.5 years...
He often raises his voice when talking to me & dc and has spoken to me in a horrible way on many occasions. He's also upset my eldest dc many times. It was because of this treatment of my eldest that I decided to end the relationship with him when our dc was 2. However, he begged and pleaded and said he would do anything for a second chance. He went to CBT and started doing yoga and to his credit he did change somewhat. He became a generally nicer person to be around and gradually our relationship improved.
We then moved area and I'd hoped for a better life and better relationship, however a few months after we moved he totally lost it with me again and even prevented me from taking dc to school one morning by saying we couldn't leave the room until we'd resolved the argument. He physically blocked the door. It was something really very trivial that had angered him but I can't remember what exactly it was. The dc ended up being about 30 - 45 mins late for school. Thinking back that should have been it but for some reason I didn't have the courage to ask him to leave.
Fast forward to now and I feel very unhappy. I feel empty inside and am just putting up with him talking to me like shit occasionally and sometimes not being the best at parenting. He seems to think it's ok to tell our dc off in such a way that it makes them cry. He says it's normal for them to be upset when told off but it bothers me. I try really hard not to make them cry, even when they need a telling off. He says I'm soft but I would rather be soft than angry.
To add to all of this, I forged a friendship with a mutual male friend about a year ago and we have been meeting up for walks etc during lockdown as we have a shared interest. My dp is very jealous of this and got really annoyed when he found that I'd confined in this friend about our relationship problems. He said it was inappropriate because he's a mutual friend. Maybe it was but said friend is the only person I've been able to speak to in person during lockdown so inevitably the topic of relationships came up eventually and i didn't think I was doing anything wrong. He is now avoiding our friend and says he doesn't want to see him anymore because I've ruined their friendship so now he's just my friend. He is angry at our friend too as he feels he has played a part in our problems.
Dp says I am not innocent in all of this, which I'm probably not as I dont help myself a lot of the time, he says I talk to him like shit sometimes as well and I'm dismissive of him, particularly when I have pmt 🙄 which, as much as it bothers me to admit, could well be true.
We are at breaking point again at the moment because I've had enough and can't keep living like this but I must admit I have been somewhat distracted by my male friend (nothing dodgy going on, he is a lovely, kind and gentle person and he makes me realise what is wrong with my relationship but he is in a relationship and so am I, so absolutely no cheating) and I also know I haven't been putting much effort in to making the relationship work. We don't have sex as I don't feel attracted to dp anymore and I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore. I do care for him a lot though.
I'm aware I may have painted dp in a bad light but these are the main things that bother me and bare in mind they are spread out over 6 years. Most of the time he is a devoted partner & father and it is destroying him that he might very soon lose what he has. He does a lot around the house and with dc. I have a health issue that means I'm sometimes wiped out and he has to take over everything. Unfortunately this had led to me doing less and him doing more than his fair share. I'm trying to resolve that now by doing more myself as I'd started to feel worthless and useless. He would do anything at all that I asked him to do and I admit I may have taken advantage of this at times. But my allowing him to take over has made me feel depressed. I feel like I have lost my independence.
The main issues I have with him (the being horrible to me & eldest dc etc) were more prevelent in the past but I can't seem to get over them at all even though he is mostly a better person now.
However, I really don't know where to go from here. I didn't go and see my friend this week because of all the discussions me and dp have been having are taking their toll and I'm an emotional mess. I have told dp I need space and time to think. He is also an emotional mess at the moment and isn't thinking straight.
On the one hand, I don't want to lose everything we have and it would be the second time my eldest has lost a father figure in her home. Dp has said if we split I'm not putting the dc's feelings first, that I'm putting my feelings first because it's me that has the issue with him.
On the other hand, I feel a bit like we're going round in circles. I also feel its unfair on dp for me to stay in a relationship with him if I'm not in love with him.
Help?