My DH and I have been together for 30 years. I am 60. Our 23 yo DS has been really pushing the boundaries for years. Particularly aimed at me. Controlling, bullying behaviour - never physical, but emotional and mental. Mind games, gaslighting, that type of thing. He is obviously troubled and I want to help, but he closes me down so I can’t reach him. He can be kind and caring but then can change very quickly and turn on me. Sometimes it’s quite subtle. It has affected me very badly. I have had many emotional breakdowns when I couldn’t stop crying, even at work, and have self-harmed, googled suicide many times and been a whimpering, howling mess on and off for years. It just wears me down. I have had counselling to help me cope. I have also on hundreds of occasions tried to talk to DH about it (he knows about feeling suicidal and the self-harm) but he has always turned away (often literally), refused to engage, said it was between me and DS and accused me of being too sensitive and therefore partly to blame, saying I make out it’s worse than it is. It has been very hard. We’ve now been going to Relate for the last few weeks at my insistence and what has come out is that DH doesn’t seem to feel things like I do - and he is incapable of demonstrating to me that he cares. So he can say - I care, but he can’t explain how I would know that. And he can’t or won’t articulate it at the sessions, even with a lot of help from our counsellor. He says he is always supportive, but I honestly can’t see it. Yet he says he may support me in the future if he feels it is appropriate ie he feels it would be reasonable to do so. I suppose by that he means if he doesn’t feel I am being over sensitive. He sometimes disagrees with me in front of our son and makes excuses for him, saying he ‘doesn’t mean it’ when I get upset at scornful, snarky, sarky, eye-rolling etc behaviour. And being told I’ve said things I haven’t. Things I wouldn’t say. Being yelled at because ‘You’re DEAF!’ And so much more. In the past I have occasionally said things I regret; when very upset. I called my son a bullying b and told him he makes me want to die. I called my OH a coward. I have apologised to them both and I don’t do that any more - counselling has helped. Although my DH and DS are my world and my DH says he wants us to stay together, and can be very kind (he is generous, gives me freedom, and would never have an affair or anything), I find now I can’t even let him touch me. I have not shared a bed with him for over a year. I can’t even contemplate a stroke of the hand. I know he is v hurt by this and that probably doesn’t help him feel close to me and therefore more inclined to support me, but it comes from somewhere deep inside me. I am so hurt and bloody upset with him. I feel let down. I know he loves our son (who lives at home and my OH won’t hear of anything else until DS is ready - he is planning to travel in 2022 and then I assume return home, and wants to protect him). Maybe he sees he’s vulnerable but would never admit that. Maybe I am over sensitive but none of my friends think so - quite the opposite in fact. Life has thrown a lot at me and I’ve soldiered on.
Sorry for the long post but should I try to get past this and look to the future with a kind man who I know will take care of me in ways other than this? I’m far from perfect. Just put it aside and concentrate on the positive, companionship as we get older, travelling together and all that? And try to find a way of dealing with the situation with my son without necessarily always expecting support from OH?
Thank you.