Am I wrong or is DM?

[GoddessKali]

I would value other peoples opinions and essentially how to manage this behaviour and situation.

We have a family what’s app group that includes an elderly grandparent.

Both my dm and Auntie (dm’s sister) have recently been posting things in the family group chat that are questionable and it’s blown up because I’ve called them out on it.

I find their posts antagonist and to be honest just nasty behaviour but I’d like to see what others think - they’ve said I’m stopping their free speech and they’ve had enough of my patronising drivel! Oh and I have no sense of humour

Some examples are:
On Saturday from Aunt “looks like you’ll have to get your Covid jab done soon GoddessKali or they won’t let you in!”
Referring to me moving to an EU country in a few months. I respond that no, I won’t be getting the jab and that you only need a negative test to enter and Aunt responds “looks like you’re limited to the UK then, Blackpool is nice 🤔”

I’ve never discussed vax with her, so my ‘d’m has obviously been gossiping and ‘d’aunt tried to shame me in front of the whole family. If she had any concerns for my welfare message me directly?

Then this week with the whole M&H I’ve had Facebook discussions with both dm and Auntie in that I’ve been posting that Mental Health matters, we can’t rip someone to shreds like this and that our newspapers have created a hate campaign.
Whereas their view is they’re spoilt entitled idiots and God save the Queen.
I don’t have a problem with our FB discussions or that we disagree....

However they’ve now started posting anti M&H posts and meme’s in the what’s app group (knowing my feelings having discussed on FB this week!) which have included them saying ‘she should be muzzled’ and ‘I’d like to see the pair of their heads on Tower Bridge’.

When they’ve been called out on it, it’s apparently ‘dark humour’?

Other relevant facts:
My dm is one of those people that says ‘I’m not racist but......
I don’t want you having children with a black man because they’ll be teased and bullied
In my day only the sluts went with black men

And other such nuggets!

The rest of the family have been supportive and sent messages about establishing boundaries and it’s ok to feel offended by something and people have to respect that etc. However DM and Auntie are adamant they’ve done nothing wrong.
Oh and no one else posts anything like this, it’s either harmless jokes or kiddie pics etc.

The final straw that blew everything up was this last message I’ve attached a photo of. She knows I can’t even wear jumpers that have a tight neck, necklaces. Anything that’s on or near my face / neck gives me panic attacks and earlier this year when pregnant I fainted, only for a few seconds but enough that I lost my balance and couldn’t stand / walk etc.

Any ideas how to unpick this mess?!

For me, it triggers this childhood emotion of being picked up and hanged up on. Because I don’t agree with their view point they keep point scoring and attacking. Can other people see this or am I being over sensitive?

Sorry I should of said, I’ve ignored all goady posts until now.

And the last sentence should read:
For me, it triggers this childhood emotion of being picked on and ganged up on simply because I don’t agree with their view point and so they keep point scoring and attacking. Can other people see this or am I being over sensitive?

No one on here can unpick your family dynamics. The image you have posted doesn't read well but at the same time your post does read to me that they should leave you alone to make your own choices and decisions and not question these however they should not express a view rightly or wrongly as it triggers you.
You can tell them you dont appreciate their sense of humour and you agree to disagree and draw a line under it.
It doesn't sound like your going to get the understanding you are looking for.

Is the WhatsApp family group a good idea for you? You don't like their opinions, and they don't like yours. Why turn it into a fight?

I'd just leave the group, or not check it very often.

Why not just leave the Whatsapp group?

You seem to be wanting to turn it all into a massive drama. Sometimes, as we get older, we have to step away from irritating relations.

I'd just leave/mute the whatsapp and limit what they can see of your posts and mute theirs or defriend them on other social media.

It's no point rowing over it. They're not going to change.

Stay in touch with those you want to individually by other means.

Are you talking about anti-vaccine? Or about mental health?

Oh Megan and Harry?

Sorry op, your post is not clear. I thought you meant they were judging you for not having the vaccination at first.

I agree. I dont see some massive drama. You arent enjoying the group so why not just leave it

Thanks all, you’re all right.
I struggle with this as I ignore and ignore and then snap.
I just wish my mother was a kinder, nicer person.

Right now we’re all going through stuff, so why try and pick arguments and spread horrible stuff in a family group?

But I need to learn how to deal with this as it’s affecting my mental health massively.
Everyone left the group after my mums last post and they set up another one without them. I’m sad it’s come to this as I love both dm and Auntie and am really close to them, it’s just they also see no problem with their behaviour

Sorry my opening post is long and all over the place. I think I’m best off just deleting all social media.

I think it would be wise to leave the group. I mean this kindly, and obviously we dont have the full story, but it reads very much like you're going around telling people off for having different views to you. Your DM also alluded to this in her text.

I'm getting the impression that you want to be free to have your own opinions and make your own decisions about masks and vaccines, yet wont allow anyone to have an opposing view about anything without pulling them up on it.

From what you've said, you sound like you're being a bit precious.

If I was you I would just take a step back.

It’s not that.... just there’s a time and place for such things like a public forum such as FB.
Not a family what’s app group, like I’d never post something I knew was provocative and had divided opinions on.
Why would anyone post stuff like that in a family chat?
Why would anyone joke about muzzling another woman?
Why would anyone joke about killing someone?

But..... I do hear what you’re saying and happy to say I’m wrong! I don’t get why people would do the above things but I’m obviously wrong so will take this on board.

Its not that you're 'wrong', it's that you think that your rules about what should and shouldn't be posted and where are the 'right' rules and wont accept that people think differently.

I do think that your DM's attitude regarding your understandable phobia over having things on your neck and face is startling and disgusting, though.

Mask aside, as you clearly have (understandable) issues, are you saying you're anti-vax & also pro M&H?! Not too popular views at the moment so I imagine you are winding people up just as much as they are you. Just step away from the chat if it's bothering you. Not nice it's your family though...

I think it's a generational difference too. What was accepted in your moms era is not tolerated anymore. I imagine her 'dark humour' was seen as 'humour' when she was growing up. I am not supporting her views or justifying them but just trying to understand where she is coming from. Therefore it's going to be nigh on impossible to change her view point. Which leads you to a point where you may need to make the boundaries clear- these are topics that are not up for debate or discussion.

As for your views, as other posters have mentioned your views too are extreme and controversial too. And I think you might need to consider that not all people would follow your view point either or logic either. For example I have had three close friends and family members die of Covid. It absolutely breaks my heart that people are refusing to protect themselves and others around them by not wearing masks and not taking the life saving opportunity of a vaccine. But that's my view point and to the wider world I wouldn't necessarily share it, but my family I would be very critical if they took your stance as it impacts the lives of everyone around them not just their own. And if they chose not to vaccinate or wear masks that would mean in the future I couldn't have them in my home. That's not due to a difference of opinion, but due to the fact that their choices could cost the lives of the vulnerable in my friendship group and family. Even long after most are vaccinated, it doesn't give you immunity just a milder version if caught and if someone who is not vaccinated is an easy target for the virus, greater chance of being infect or being a carrier. My dad for example has been told by his doctor that even catching a milder version he has a 1 in 14 chance of dying from it. Those odds are not acceptable to me. So I won't be inviting any anti vaxers to tea anytime soon!

I think you are in a difficult position because your mom doesn't seem to empathise with your reasoning, but I don't think you have empathised with some of hers. There is a middle ground somewhere where you can respectfully disagree. Try to understand through discussion rather than a slanging match.

And for the record I think your moms post was completely unacceptable, embarrassing and lacked emotional understanding. And I can see why you responded with defensiveness and anger. But neither solved the problem.

I think it's a generational difference too. What was accepted in your moms era is not tolerated anymore. I imagine her 'dark humour' was seen as 'humour' when she was growing up. I am not supporting her views or justifying them but just trying to understand where she is coming from. Therefore it's going to be nigh on impossible to change her view point. Which leads you to a point where you may need to make the boundaries clear- these are topics that are not up for debate or discussion.

Please can we stop with the 'generational' crap?
Controversial/abhorrent/unpleasant views can be held by anyone, regardless of age.
Just because you reach a certain age it doesn't mean that you can't be open to new ways of thinking or understand that things are said and done differently now. Obviously you can choose to ignore or object to that, but that's an individual view not a generational one.

Just wait till you're much older...

leave the group

Thanks all have taken all of your feedback on board