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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need a hand hold- final straw in my controlling relationship

8 replies

yogibear0 · 12/03/2021 14:14

My partner has controlled many aspects of me over the 12 years we've been together, I've dealt with so much. But I think this is the final straw because I now see the affect its going to have on our children.

Both my kids are under 3 so quite young but my youngest is showing signs of autism. Ive known it for a long time and just dont the wait and see approach but some of the things with her is impossible to ignore now that I took the extra step of speaking to my health visitor or refered me to a paediatrician who also agrees dd shows autism traits and is now waiting to be assessed but I already know the outcome, she will be on the spectrum its just where!

Partner refuses to accept it. Says Dr is an asshole etc. Which is ok as I understand this happens when one parent cant accept it. BUT its the stuff he said to me and my sons reaction that has given me a wake up call.
Got home from the appointment. Dh sees im visibly upset after the appointment and instead of a hug or are you ok I just got the response "well?" in a very harsh tone. I told him what the specialist thought and he just wasn't happy, at all.
Then proceeded to tell me im crazy, all these things im saying shes doing/not doing is in my head. That I want something to be wrong with her. That I need something to blame in order to cope with why I cant cope with her behaviour at times. Just totally destroyed me. I admit I let a tear or two roll down my face in the moment and our son was in the room. Immediately my son began to give off to his father "dad stop it you're making mammy cry" i immediately dried my face and said no son mammy is ok and put a smile on my face abd he hugged me.

This infuriated my dh who then accused me of turning his son against him with my fake tears and switching on the water works. I had just came from getting that news and then hoping to discuss our fears together and how we can work together for our daughter. Only to be put down and shouted at and made me feel like I was crazy and a terrible mother. My heart just sank! And obviously sank more when my son said what he said. I was disgusted at both myself and my partner. Its made me realise I cannot allow my children to witness this.

Dh is also saying he will not allow our dd to attend anymore appointments as she doesn't need it and that I just want to label her. He made me put of the appointment for 3 months blaming covid etc and if I took her to the hospital and we got covid it would be on me etc. TlI put my foot down with this appointment and this is thile result. Im now dealing with the silent treatment for 4 days now and basically getting treated like dirt.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 12/03/2021 14:16

You need legal advice. Or he may prevent you getting the correct diagnosis for your dc...

Ornamentalcabbages · 12/03/2021 14:20

This is abuse, in various forms. You owe it to yourself, your son, and your daughter to leave your DP.

What are you getting from this relationship? It doesn't sound like there are any benefits to staying, but so much from leaving

NewAndImprovedNorks · 12/03/2021 14:23

How can we help you escape from this miserable partnership?
Hand hold, support, practical advice, we have it all here, you are not alone.

willowmelangell · 12/03/2021 15:15

Well done on the early diagnosis! This will give you so much help in years to come.

Sadly I had an ex who chose to ignore the autism. DD was 'shy' 'sensitive' 'quirky' 'special' anything but diagnosed ASD. It took him years to accept.

Your dd really needs your support. It may be that you can give that support better without the negative and combative influence of dh.
I realize it is all a bit much right now. Perhaps over the next few months you can explore your options. Keep coming back to mn. We are here.
I wonder if you have the privacy to 'talk' on here freely? Any problems with your phone being looked at? Deleting your search history is your friend if this is the case. My apology if I have overstepped!

ItsNotLoveActually · 12/03/2021 16:28

Getting an early diagnosis will help you and your DD no end. So, well done for pursuing this, despite your DH's awful attitude.
I also had a 'DH' who refused to accept our DS's diagnosis (at 5). None of his family did either. It made life harder. He was useless with our DS, didn't know how to cope and this ultimately led to the demise of our marriage. I didn't even have all the other horrible stuff you've described.
I think you know that he is just going to drag you down and this will affect the kids. Time to get your ducks in a row.
Reach out to family and friends. There are Autism forums online, which offer great support too.

yogibear0 · 12/03/2021 16:55

Thankyou for the replies. I cant believe he is trying to control what help our daughter gets and what appointments I attend with her. Im trying to help her ffs. Im trying to help myself in how to work with the situation I have so I know the right & wrong ways to help her. Shes non verbal at the min and im trying to understand how to communicate with my child and make a connection with her. Im obviously not crazy, I had hoped all this stuff was in my head which is why I asked for the referral. If the dr didn't see anything to be concerned about she'd have said that to me. She spent 2 hours with my dd and could see the issues I was talking about. So I'm upset that he can't see it as well, maybe he doesn't want to again which is fine but I don't deserve to be berated over it.
I just want to help her. I knew how controlling my relationship was but this has personally broke new boundaries for me that I'm not comfortable with accepting anymore.

I know what I need to do. I just don't know how to just sum up the courage and says enough is enough because the way he argues with me is a whole mind fuck game. I always end up feeling that its me in the wrong and hes right. I always let him win because I'm so beaten down come the middle of the argument that I just back down

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 13/03/2021 09:10

My ds was diagnosed with a long term medical condition very young. Exh denied he had it in court!! He didn't want any constraints put on his contact - judge took a dim view...
Keep a diary of dc's behaviour and your management of it etc... You can show how you dc needs parented. If ex isn't prepared to carry that out it won't help his case...

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 15:19

You’re doing the best by your kid. He’s disgusting. You will be stronger and better if you can get rid of him. He’s dragging you down.

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