Not getting the support you need when you need it

[Leftthenstraighton]

Hi all,

Looking for some perspective on this and maybe I do need to “man up”. I’m the husband here.

Things are very stressful for me at the minute and I have a lot of things on which can’t easily be passed on to someone else, anyway when I said to DW I could really do with some support, just some love, hugs and to be told it will all be okay and feel some appreciation for the work in putting in here.

When I say this she just says she feels the same. I’m like what the fuck, can you just comfort me at the minute without going into who has it worse?

I’m working all the hours in the day here and taking the heavy burden for things because she struggles with it. I have supported all these years when she is feeling depressed and I get this crap back? You’d have thought she’d be understanding. Tbh he just adds pressure and makes things harder for me.

Sorry for the rant .

*she just adds

It's hard because you haven't given any detail.

However get zero emotional support is shit. Does she have empathy or sympathy for anyone else or does she only ever think about herself?

If you’ve always been the strong capable one and she’s asked for more support and coped with things less well, that will have governed the dynamic in your relationship. Some people embrace being saved or supported and don’t like it when the same is expected of them.

My brother’s wife always has something or other wrong with her and he’s always been the fixer, the sorter, the one who manages and picks up the pieces. A while ago he got very very ill very quickly with something serious and she was upset about it but also seemed very resentful he was in a worse condition than she was for the first time and she was useless. The changing dynamic in their marriage where he was properly ill shook them both up. He felt completely unsupported - he was - and she still tried to play top trumps with a variety of sudden onset issues while he was flat on his back in agony which disappeared when he couldn’t just stop being ill himself. Horrible to watch.

You’re having a shit time which doesn’t mean your wife isn’t still depressed and unable/unwilling to help. Do you have anyone else you can talk to for now? A friend or relative? Of course she should try her hardest to be there for you but if she’s just not the type who does that I’d focus on trying to seek support elsewhere and reserve your energies for dealing with your own stuff right now instead of trying to prop her up while you’re depleted.

The only other time this happened in the 10 years we have been together she wasn’t very supportive either and brushed it off in a similar way. So now I’m really really concerned.

AnneLovesGilbert that sounds very similar, I don’t think she is doing it on purpose but she is terrible at supporting other people.

I guess I can get support from else where but it’s kinda heartbreaking to not get it from your wife.

Couples therapy could help.

Have you got the guts to call her out on it?

@Leftthenstraighton

AnneLovesGilbert that sounds very similar, I don’t think she is doing it on purpose but she is terrible at supporting other people.

I guess I can get support from else where but it’s kinda heartbreaking to not get it from your wife.

It absolutely is. She’s letting you down badly and of course you feel hurt and disappointed. A chat with a friend is no substitute for a hug and a heart to heart with your wife, I’m sorry if it sounded like I thought it was. In the short term though, while you’re in the eye of the storm, if she really refuses to acknowledge how you feel and what you need, try and gather what support you can from other possible people, like a friend.

Counselling is an idea.