'Pusher'

[FamilyHold]

Any tips for handling a situation when your partner keeps on, and on about something (criticising you) and won't stop even when you explain they're upsetting you and ask them to drop it? DH and I seem to have a recurring thing where we're having a good day - minor thing happens (for example I hesitate when going to pull out a junction) and husband will just go on and on about it - at first I'll let it go but he'll keep going, I'll ask him to drop it and say he's starting to make me feel angry/upset etc and he'll just carry on - eventually I'll snap and lose my temper (shout at him to shut up and tell him I hate him) - he then turns it all on me, makes out I'm in the wrong, unstable, need to calm down and get a handle on my temper, speak to a professional about my issues etc etc - I'm pretty sure this is not a normal thing but I have no idea how to stop it happening - like I said I try calmly telling him when he's pushing something too much but he just doesn't care and carries on still. I hate losing my temper and then being made to feel like I'm insane - how do we stop the cycle??

I'd handle it by asking him to get out of the car (e.g. your example).
If he finds his way home, I'd say I don't ever want to be criticised again over mundaine things.
If he doen't stop his petty ways, he can go where everyone is wonderful and nobody needs to be picked on.

He does this on purpose to upset you, make you loose your temper so that he can play the victim.

Has he always been like this? He’s trying to get a rise out of you, so what would happen if you just didn’t rise to it? Eg ‘you hesitated at that junction’. ‘You’re right, I did.’ ‘That’s really dangerous.’ ‘Mmm. Could be.’ ‘I actually can’t believe you did that.’ ‘Uh huh.’ ‘Women can’t drive.’ ‘Yes dear.’ Personally I couldn’t be arsed with the mind games but maybe if you don’t react he’ll give up. Do you really want to be with someone who enjoys winding you up though? Life’s too short.

@sallyanne33

Has he always been like this? He’s trying to get a rise out of you, so what would happen if you just didn’t rise to it? Eg ‘you hesitated at that junction’. ‘You’re right, I did.’ ‘That’s really dangerous.’ ‘Mmm. Could be.’ ‘I actually can’t believe you did that.’ ‘Uh huh.’ ‘Women can’t drive.’ ‘Yes dear.’ Personally I couldn’t be arsed with the mind games but maybe if you don’t react he’ll give up. Do you really want to be with someone who enjoys winding you up though? Life’s too short.

Yes always been like it - I like the idea of just not rising to it; will try that next time and see how we go! When's he's like this I do not want to be with him at all, but then I have a bpd diagnosis so find I do often feel things in extreme and never really know where my head is actually at (but that's a whole other issue!!)

I agree with PP - don't rise to it. He's enjoying it. Take the fun out of it for him. Plaster a big smile on your face - it'll confuse the hell out of him.
Or yeah, just leave him.

By leaving.

You know this is standard abuse right? Rile you up until you snap and then accuse you of bring sngry/oversensistive/crazy.

You're already on the merry go round if 'how can I change my behaviour today to stop his bad behaviour'.

You cant change you to fix some other assholes assholery.

I agree with don't react to him however, when it's relentless it can be difficult but try, it could make you feel a bit better and in control plus he will get zero enjoyment from doing it, which he clearly relishes.

I also like the telling him to get of the car if he does it while you're driving too :)
Don't let him make you feel that it's your fault regardless of your diagnosis. He's intentionally pushing your buttons to get you to react because he's a dickhead, it's not because you have BPD.
The fact that he calls you unstable while playing the victim because of something HE created, says he isn't a nice person.

Yes mine did this
He's moving out soon, not for this, but I certainly won't miss it

Oh and I also have bpd!

Actually I feel like I could have written this it's spookily familiar

my ex was like this. it was so bad that i HATED driving with him in the car, he would make me nervous because he would always find something to make a snarky remark about. then never let it go. it made me not like him much over time. and it's another reason why he's my ex. i couldn't live like that

Isn't this a type of gaslighting? Wind her up and watch her go.
It's quite calculated I think.

My husband is like this. It’s incredibly wearing and like you I’m reactive (when pushed and pushed) and so every argument we have ends with him accusing me of being unstable. I’ve started to feel traumatised by it (I’m aware that sounds dramatic) but it’s like being picked on all day. I’m now attempting to grey rock him and just not engage. It’s not a healthy way to live. These are such difficult times, there’s just no air.

It's reverse victim tactics and a recognised Domestic Abuse indicator.

He'll needle and needle and goad you until you explode then he's the victim of your 'abuse'. My ex had me convinced I was at fault this way, convinced I had serious anger issues, and psychological issues.

But that was all engineered by him. It never happened in previous relationships nor any since. Nobody that knows me would ever say I've a temper - in fact I'm known for keeping calm and cheerful in stressful situations in work and my personal life and it takes a LOT to wind me up. So it was just him.

Why are you all putting up with this shit? Just fucking lay into him for it and if that doesn't cure it, split. It's not what a decent parent does, at all, ever.

He's bad for your mental health - it would be the same for anyone - and he won't change. Look after yourself and put yourself first.

This is a repeated pattern of behaviour?

Leave. Seriously. This is so far from normal, healthy and loving behaviour that it's worrying.

This is a dysfunctional and toxic relationship without healthy communication or self regulation.

Don't have him in the car with you.