Would you stay in a relationship that's going nowhere?

[Lockdownlife2021]

I dont know why I'm still hanging on to this tbh. Am I just scared to be on my own or not have someone especially through lockdown?
We have been on and off for 18 months.
When I spend time with him it's nice and I enjoy it. Sex is good.
Apart from that there's nothing to it.
He can't express himself to me in any way so I've no idea how he really feels about me or us. I've tried to bring this up on several occasions and he will say he will try to open up a bit more or try to compliment me a bit more etc but nothing changes. There's no talk of making any plans for even after lockdown (I'm not wanting to move in together or have more children and he's aware of that)
When I see him I feel good then within a few days I'm back to feeling like what's the point in this.
He won't call me as he doesn't like talking on the phone so it's a few texts in the evening and it's all very samey every night.
I don't know if I'm just in some kind of denial that it will get better once we can go out and about a bit more.
I feel like if we take the sex out of it, it's just 2 buddies that text and hang out.
I've said that to him and he said we have different ideas of what a relationship is!
My idea is that it should be more than this! It feels like fwb!!

What do you get out of this?. From reading this so very little and most of the time you're not together anyway so you are on your own. There are good reasons why this has been on and off for 18 months and that is also because you and he are fundamentally incompatible.

Re your comment:-
"I don't know if I'm just in some kind of denial that it will get better once we can go out and about a bit more".

That reads like the sunk costs fallacy and that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Its not working so stop chucking more time and resources at it, these costs are sunk ones and will not be recouped.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested so much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

It is indeed better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right I keep quietening my feeling that this isn't working and it sails along OK but the same thoughts keep coming back.
I don't get much at all from this relationship. I can't talk to him about anything, he doesn't add to my life in any way!
The reasons were the same as to why I ended it last year then we went fwb then decided to give it another go.

It does sound a bit like FWB for me, and doesn't seem like a very furfilling prospect long term?
Even if I don't live with a partner I do want a level of intimacy and them 'holding me in mind' when they are not with me (and vice-versa). Without that genuine connection then it doesn't feel like a relationship or even a friendship to me?

@highlightsonlyplease

It does sound a bit like FWB for me, and doesn't seem like a very furfilling prospect long term? Even if I don't live with a partner I do want a level of intimacy and them 'holding me in mind' when they are not with me (and vice-versa). Without that genuine connection then it doesn't feel like a relationship or even a friendship to me?

Yes exactly there's got to be some kind of connection there between you. I don't think he's stringing me along or anything, I genuinely think he thinks this is what a relationship is. He's not had much experience and also his last relationship was 10 years ago

Have you tried to add more to the relationship? Difficult in lockdown I know but when it ends, could you organise some shared experiences. City breaks or travelling.

I find it much easier to get more out of my teenager when we are travelling together, the distractions seem to loosen his tongue.

Perhaps it would work with a slow-to-communicate man.

He's not fulfilling your needs long term, after lockdown look to going your separate ways. 18 months on/off means you're just not compatible enough and maybe just together out of attraction for each other rather than emotionally.

We're coming out of lockdown, however slow it may seem. Imagine yourself in 3 months time. What do you want to be doing, wearing, who do you want to be spending time with, what stories od you want to tell?

Lockdown is putting a lot of strain on rships in many ways,, but all rships need constant working on,!! You'll get out what you put in so to speak

Why don’t you end it, not go fwb, resolve to go no contact for 6 months and then see how you feel?

Since it has been 18 months, what was it like at the beginning before lockdown. Because I do think the last 12 months has skewed what is normal in dating/ early stage relationships. I’m not saying you should ignore the niggles you have, but look at it objectively to see if the shit situation we are in is impacting as you cannot make plans, head out for a nice evening, travel - all the normal relationship stuff.
If it was always like this then bin it - you would be better off alone.

@Mayzee

Since it has been 18 months, what was it like at the beginning before lockdown. Because I do think the last 12 months has skewed what is normal in dating/ early stage relationships. I’m not saying you should ignore the niggles you have, but look at it objectively to see if the shit situation we are in is impacting as you cannot make plans, head out for a nice evening, travel - all the normal relationship stuff. If it was always like this then bin it - you would be better off alone.

I think this is what I'm holding out for! Tbh before lockdown I was just under a year out of a marriage and I wanted to keep things quiet between us so we have totally missed going out together and dating.