Before lockdown, I was fairly happy with my life. I’m in a long-term relationship. We don’t live together (and this is not a possibility anytime soon) but I would stay with him every weekend and often during the week as well. We got through the first lockdown ok and more or less picked up where we left off once we were allowed to see each other again. We spent a happy Christmas together and I returned home, where I’ve been ever since. I haven’t seen him since then.
Things have been getting increasingly hard for me since then. I try to maintain the relationship via phone calls and texts but it is so difficult. We live a couple of hours away from each other so with the current travel restrictions it’s not like I can go over there to see him and we can’t have a bubble as neither of us are in single person households. The distance is making me question everything and see everything negatively, and for the first time I have doubts that we have a future together. Little things are annoying me more. I feel like I have none of the nice things about the relationship and all the difficult things. I used to really enjoy his company, we used to do so many things together. That has all gone.
I also feel like I’ve wasted the opportunities I’ve had. I used to be happy in my job but working from home now I feel like an underperforming idiot and a joke. I know I’m lucky to have a job I can do from home but I’m finding it stressful and I can’t really confide in my partner as he doesn’t really get it.
On top of everything I am experiencing obsessive thoughts about a celebrity. This is something I used to do when I was a very unhappy teenager - construct a fantasy life in my head and escape into it. Back then at least I had a fighting chance of building the kind of life I wanted but now it feels too late. I don’t know if all these thoughts and doubts are cos of lockdown or if I would be having them anyway. I’m in my late thirties and I don’t know if I should settle for what I’ve got or try for more. Or even if I will feel better and go back to normal when lockdown ends. I’ve spoken to friends (not about all of it, I am deeply ashamed of the fantasy thoughts!) who agree that I probably shouldn’t make any big decisions at this point.
I have been badly depressed for much of my adult life. I did a lot of therapy a few years back and have had my longest period of stability for the past five years. I’m so scared that this last lockdown is going to wreck it all. I can’t believe I’ve come so far for it all to fuck up at the final hurdle. I don’t know if anyone can relate but I would be very grateful for any advice.