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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will kids get over us separating?

22 replies

2021isalsorubbish · 11/03/2021 21:43

Could do with some advice. Me and DH separated 3 months ago. Both agree it’s the right thing, sad but civil so far. He’s got a small flat a few towns over. He sees the kids 2 afternoons in the week and a full day on the weekend. Kids are 5 and 3. The first few weeks they were obviously upset but seemed to get used to the new living arrangements and no more tears. But now they have got upset again. It’s breaking my heart and even tho I know it’s better for us to be apart, I almost want to get back to gether to stop their upset.

Those who have been through this, is this just something I should expect? That they will always have a cry over their dad every few weeks? Does it get better or more settled? Feels like I’m choosing my happiness over theirs which is awful.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 11/03/2021 21:49

What are they upset about? Have they expressed what bothers them?
They are young to understand the ins and outs so is it specific like daddy didn't read me a,story?
Or what specifically are they upset about?

They need to be supported to get used to it
You cN get some strategies from " how to talk so kids will listen"

Embracelife · 11/03/2021 21:49

Also
The Guide For Separated Parents: Putting Children First

Book by Karen Woodall and Nick Woodall

Original poster

2021isalsorubbish · 11/03/2021 21:54

@Embracelife they cry and say they miss their dad and want him to sleep in our house. I say to them ‘it’s ok to be sad’ and give them a cuddle

OP posts:

NC4Todayx · 11/03/2021 22:00

Why is he seeing so little of them?

Brunt0n · 11/03/2021 22:04

Better two happy homes than one unhappy one surely?

It'll take some time for everyone to adjust

NC4Todayx · 11/03/2021 22:04

Sorry, posted the other message within finishing!

@2021isalsorubbish It might help if they saw more of him. Heartbreaking isn't it to see them sad. I do think that the younger children are when you split, the better, and the easier they will adjust, but it's still very hard on little hearts.

Blacktothepink · 11/03/2021 22:17

Have you considered bird nesting?

Original poster

2021isalsorubbish · 11/03/2021 22:29

@NC4Todayx he works full time and has moved his hours so that he can pick them up from school and nursery 2 days a week and he stays to puts them to bed. Then we both have a day each at the weekend. He actually spends more time with them now as he didn’t used to see them on the week days when we were together

OP posts:

Original poster

2021isalsorubbish · 11/03/2021 22:36

@Blacktothepink I had read about that yes but DH not keen on that or having them to his flat as he’s not very confident with them by himself. Hopefully over time his confidence will get better.

OP posts:

fairypangolin · 11/03/2021 22:40

i separated from my husband last summer and have DC age 7 and 12. They are laregly fine but occasionally get upset, the younger because they want daddy to sleep over or something concrete like that, the older because he realises the family will never be what they hoped it would be. ExH and I get on well day to day and don't argue, which helps to keep things on an even keel.

I think it's normal for kids in this situation to get upset from time to time as they process the change that has happened. We don't experience changes like this all in one go, with it starting out at its worst and then gradually lightening. As long as they still have good times with their dad and you, and everything is calm and predictable, they will be fine. This seems to be the case from your description.

You are not choosing your happiness over theirs. Life is more complicated than that. They would not be happy if you and your ex are unhappy but living together. When they grow up they will understand your choice and in the meantime they will get used to it. The key is that they still feel loved by both of you.

Alongwayfromeverything · 11/03/2021 22:43

I separated from my soon to be ex wife 18 months ago. I can honestly say the children are much happier now, and I have a better relationship with them than ever before. I have them three days/nights a week. They are 3, 5 and 7.

They were sad for a few weeks and asked questions about whether I was going to come back and live with their mum. But once they settled into the new routine they were so much happier. In particular the eldest who was having anxiety issues, which disappeared two months after separation.

As a previous poster said, better two happy homes.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 08:03

He's not going to get more confident having them by himself unless he starts doing it, so isn't it worth trying? This also stops them seeing you as default parent and him as 'fun' parent, which will help them feel more secure about his role and able to trust him with serious things they need to talk about now and in future.

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 08:08

Time to stop confusing the DC he needs to look after them in his flat and start having them sleep there.

At the moment this is emphasising that Dad is missing from their home rather than you each having a home.

Peace43 · 12/03/2021 10:03

I think the issue is him coming to the house. After my relationship split it took a while for H to get somewhere to live where he could see DD. Having him come to the house and then leave again seemed to emphasise his absence.

As soon as she could spend time with him at his place she soon settled into a very happy routine. We are a couple of years on now and she’s perfectly happy.

He needs to take the kids to his place and no longer come back into the family home.

Smudge18 · 12/03/2021 16:20

OP, my two are the same age as yours. It will get easier for them in time. Neither I or my ExH live in our marital home which I think has made it easier for the DC to understand that mummy and daddy now have separate homes. I would definitely try and encourage the contact to take place at his flat.

B1rdflyinghigh · 12/03/2021 18:44

There will come a time when it becomes normal and they can't remember you together.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 12/03/2021 18:49

My DC were the same age as yours when their father and I split. They don't even remember us being together. It will get better. They are still adjusting.
I agree with the PPs though that you need to keep your homes and lives separate. My parents split up when I was 7. They used to take us out on "family" trips and spend Christmas together and so on. On the one hand it was nice, but there was always this thought at the back of my head that they would get back together.

Whatapalavaa · 12/03/2021 20:36

DH not keen on that or having them to his flat as he’s not very confident with them by himself.

He's either a lazy bastard or he needs to get a fucking grip. Can't believe you're accepting that as an excuse.

millymollymoomoo · 12/03/2021 20:47

He needs to have them overnight and more time!

bebo7 · 12/03/2021 21:06

Yes it gets better. They are still very young. The youngest will forget what it was like having you together. My eldest now, now an adult doesn’t remember much about me being with his dad. The thing you need to be careful about is moving on too quickly. A mistake that many many people make.

Embracelife · 13/03/2021 13:31

[quote 2021isalsorubbish]@Blacktothepink I had read about that yes but DH not keen on that or having them to his flat as he’s not very confident with them by himself. Hopefully over time his confidence will get better.[/quote]
Seriously?
He is their parent
Leave him to it
No more coming to your place

Wanderlusto · 13/03/2021 13:44

I'd point out to them actually he sees them more now than he did when you were together. So they are actually spending more time together without you having to spend any time with him which is great because they love him and he loves them but you and him dont love eachother anymore so it would be silly for you to see eachother lots.

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