I shouldn’t be in a relationship, should I?

[TheLost]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months. He’s really, really lovely, funny clever, amazing sex. I’ve just come out of a long, sexless marriage. I don’t know why he’s interested in me (not doing the whole faux modesty thing btw). I’m a frumpy mum with a whole host of baggage but he seems really keen anyway.

He lives about an hour drive away so it’s not been easy for us to see each other. We’ve been seeing each other pretty much EOW though and always have a great time when we’re together. But in the times we’re not together I feel like I’m losing the plot. I’ve found his exes on social media and gone through all their photos feeling increasingly shit about myself while I do it as they’re both bloody gorgeous and semi famous. I’ve watched all his YouTube videos (he does a media related job) going back absolutely years even though I don’t understand half the stuff he’s talking about. Then I feel stupid because I don’t understand. If he says he’ll call me and then he calls an hour or so later than he’d planned as he got distracted with something else I get so stressed that I’m often physically sick.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My marriage breakup didn’t really hit me that hard. ExDh cheated on me which totally blindsided me as I didn’t think he’d ever do that. But I was actually quite relieved when I found out about it as it gave me a real reason to end the marriage. I think I’m somehow focussing all my trauma (which is a lot and never really dealt with despite therapy) on this man.

I feel like I’m losing the plot. The daft thing is he has no idea. When I was with him the other week he was asking me if he thought we had a future as he thought he was falling in love with me but had been holding back because I didn’t seem as keen. I know I’ve very much kept him at arms length as he’s been talking about us going on holiday and meeting each other’s kids and I’ve just told him that I think it’s too soon.

What should I do? I know really that I should break up with him and sort myself out first but I’m terrified I’ll lose him and I’ve never met anyone like him before. God, this all looks so pathetic written down. I’m quite normal in real life, honest.

He sounds lovely. You sound lovely. Go and see a counsellor maybe, but if you are happy together, don't feel you have to leave him.

It's all a bit messy, isn't it? Aren't you still sharing the family home with your ex? I'd say, no, you're really not in a good place to be in a relationship.

You’re idolising/idealising him and that’s not good. He’s just a man, there are literally billions of them and he’s one of them. He might well be lovely and handsome and all the rest of it but he’s still just a man and he’s not the only one.

Sounds like there is genuine potential in your relationship with him. Why don't you try opening up a but to him about how you are feeling, the insecurities and anxieties. If he is as lovely as you describe then chances are he will understand and be able to help you through with it.

I feel for you and it does sound like you've got some issues (haven't we all 😬) but I don't know if that means you 'shouldn't' be in a relationship. You are obviously attracted to him and him to you. Can you share how you're feeling at all with him?

I remember having these same concerns about my DP when we first got together; I couldn't comprehend why he'd ever be interested in me (still don't tbh!), checked out exes and constantly worried that he would cheat. It was probably tiresome for him but we always talked those feelings through until they were just no longer issues for me. I wouldn't say you're not ready for a relationship, but that you need a partner who understands where these anxieties come from, is not put off or offended by them and can help you work through them. Communication is always the key. If the alternative is to preemptively end it, then there's nothing to lose by being open with him. Plus I'm not a big fan of taking time to mystically grow, heal etc. We're probably all a little fucked up tbh. Just keep walking through open doors and see where they lead you.

I wouldn't mention your insecurities that would most likely put him off. Try and enjoy his company rather than putting pressure on yourself, don't break up with him, you've found someone really into you, you don't need to rush things.
Stop comparing yourself to his exes you have your own identity and there's obviously something about you that's got him.

Has he love bombed you? It sounds like you have a spidey sense about him.

I only say that as he was asking me if he thought we had a future as he thought he was falling in love with me but had been holding back because I didn’t seem as keen is word for word what an ex said to me and I realised later that it went too fast.

Enjoy it for what it is, and don't let anxiety get the better of you, it will settle down.
Also stay off social media 're his ex girlfriends. That's all in the past. In real life they probably don't look as good.
Remind yourself he's lucky to have you, and don't over think it.

Maybe your body is reacting to something you arent picking up on. A few months in and he is telling you be is falling in love with you...sounds like a big time love bomber.

I agree with the pp who said to discuss how you are feeling about yourself is a good start.

What went wrong in his previous relationships?

The only real significant relationship I’ve had before this was with my husband. I was never like this at the beginning though. I feel so pathetic and needy and I hate it.

If he got you whilst you were vulnerable there is a chance hes love bombing.
He might be the chasing type. Because your stand offish he takes it as a challenge. The minute you give back 100% and reciprocate hes no longer interested.

Or he could just be genuine. But your senses could be telling you something.

Read about self validation. There's various signs that you don't do it (needing your husband to cheat rather than ending the marriage because you wanted to/repeatedly calling yourself needy and pathetic for simply having feelings/calling yourself frumpy/being terrified he'll leave even though you're very unsettled in the relationship), and you really need to do it. Recognise your feelings, respect your feelings.

There's no such thing as needy. We all need what we need, all different. There will be people who need more than you, and people that need less. The trick is to find a partner who is comfortable meeting those needs. That's compatibility. Calling yourself pathetic for having needs shows that all you want to do is surpress them: How do you expect your needs to be met if you minimise and insult them all the time?

I really don’t think he’s ‘love bombing’. He’s been perfectly honest with me about stuff, he’s not telling me he’s madly in love with me or that I’ve changed his life or anything daft like that. It was more that he felt like he was falling in love with me but wasn’t sure if I wanted a proper relationship and he wanted to know where he stood. I decided against answering him by telling him that I have managed to trace down his ex based only on the fact they used to work together a decade and her first name and that I then watched YouTube videos while crying and eating creme brûlée.

I stated with him last night and left feeling happy that I wouldn’t be mental anymore, that we’d had a really lovely night and that I had absolutely no reason to think he was going to ghost me or something. Then as soon as I get home again I start feeling sick with anxiety because he used two xx’s at the end of a message he sent me instead of three. Honestly, I’m boring myself with it.

@Eckhart

Read about self validation. There's various signs that you don't do it (needing your husband to cheat rather than ending the marriage because you wanted to/repeatedly calling yourself needy and pathetic for simply having feelings/calling yourself frumpy/being terrified he'll leave even though you're very unsettled in the relationship), and you really need to do it. Recognise your feelings, respect your feelings.

There's no such thing as needy. We all need what we need, all different. There will be people who need more than you, and people that need less. The trick is to find a partner who is comfortable meeting those needs. That's compatibility. Calling yourself pathetic for having needs shows that all you want to do is surpress them: How do you expect your needs to be met if you minimise and insult them all the time?

Well said.

Don't leave him, it's quite common to feel insecure at the start of a relationship.
Try and calm down, get things into perspective & enjoy the relationship for what it is.
If it works out happy days & if it doesn't is it really the end of the world?
He sounds like he could be a perfect partner if only you take the risk

@dewisant2020

Don't leave him, it's quite common to feel insecure at the start of a relationship. Try and calm down, get things into perspective & enjoy the relationship for what it is. If it works out happy days & if it doesn't is it really the end of the world? He sounds like he could be a perfect partner if only you take the risk

Really? Minimise your sickening feelings of anxiety and the fact that you can't be honest with him about how you feel? Serioulsy?

I will try and talk to him about how I feel while also trying to minimise sounding insane. I was only with briefly yesterday morning as I needed to head home. I’ll see him next weekend though so I will definitely talk to him about it then. And I’m so anxious in the meantime that I might lose some weight so it’s good all round really.