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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband

22 replies

garden1234 · 11/03/2021 19:50

We have a young family and sometimes things spilled and damaged by our young children. My husband gets very angry when this happens, usually with me or with them.

He also tells me often that I do a 'shit job' at clearing it up and has even on occasions instructed me not to try and clean something as I'll ruin it, apparently,

I feel so panicky whenever anything gets spilled etc. I really try my best to clean it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2021 20:01

What happens when he spills something or knocks something over, I suppose he thinks he is above reproach.

Did you see similar from your parents as a child?.

Why are you together at all?. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. What are your children learning about relationships here, this is no relationship model for them to learn from.

ilikemethewayiam · 11/03/2021 20:13

Is this the only thing he gets angry about? What are you panicking about?

Original poster
garden1234 · 11/03/2021 20:16

No, when he spills something - we are all fine about it! My parents didn't behave like this. I'm wondering if his did?

I'm panicky because I know he'll get angry and agitated about it. He gets angry about others things too but these are the real bug bears of his.

OP posts:
Powerplant · 11/03/2021 20:18

He’s a bully you need to stand up to bullies. If it’s not safe to do so then consider your options as this really is no way to live - his constant criticism will affect your self confidence. It needs to be nipped in the bud.

partyatthepalace · 11/03/2021 20:20

OP sounds like this the tip of the iceberg and a very relationship? If so, do you have anyone in real life you can get support from? Women’s Aid are great for advice even if you aren’t sure you’re ready to move on - and you should also take a look at the Freedom Programme.

Keep posting here, you will get lots of support.

Enough4me · 11/03/2021 20:25

Is this a wider issue with him being angry at you and DC and he's using the mess kids create to let it all out?
He sounds resentful and controlling.

Original poster
garden1234 · 11/03/2021 20:25

Thank you all so much, yes I think he is a bully and does need to be stood up to. The thing is when I try he either gets very angry or twists it round.

I don't really have much support at the moment - difficult in lockdown - I will contact Woman's Aid and look at the freedom programme, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
garden1234 · 11/03/2021 20:28

Yes it could be that Enough4me. It's such an extreme reaction, I can understand it's annoying when things are spilt and to try our best to stop it happening but it isn't the end of the world!

He also says things like 'if you do x and y then I'll get really angry' to the children, which really disturbs me and I've told him to stop this.

OP posts:
Kabakofte · 11/03/2021 22:57

That is no way to talk to your kids, unless what they are going to do is completely unacceptable ég if you kick the dog I'll get angry, but I suspect from what you've said it's for more minor infringements! My ex used to go off on one if the kids spilt stuff (this was after we had split) and they've never forgotten how disproportionate it was to what they'd actually done by accident. They don't tend to speak highly /kindly of him and his parenting skills....

timeisnotaline · 11/03/2021 23:00

@garden1234

Yes it could be that Enough4me. It's such an extreme reaction, I can understand it's annoying when things are spilt and to try our best to stop it happening but it isn't the end of the world!

He also says things like 'if you do x and y then I'll get really angry' to the children, which really disturbs me and I've told him to stop this.

ShockShockShock. He can’t say that!! You must tell him if he thinks he’s getting angry at the children he must leave the house. And if he jsut leaves the house all the time after that either to punish you or rather than working on himself then he may as well stay gone
Enough4me · 12/03/2021 00:02

You remind me of my past. My exH resented the bond I had with our DCs and was jealous of the attention I gave them. He would complain about regular family mess (toys out, minor issues) as though I was horrendous. It escalated over many years & he twisted the truth. It was when he blamed having an affair on me that I saw what the real problem was - him.

I'm about five years post divorce and still love the fact I'm not walking on eggshells anymore. Mumsnet is a good place to write down the behaviours that you see in him that concern you, particularly if it escalates. Use this space and talk in RL to reflect on whether this is healthy for you & DC.

MsDogLady · 12/03/2021 05:36

Garden, you’ve written multiple threads this year about your brute of a husband who terrorizes you and the children. You must get away from him because your babies are being emotionally damaged. Has he started hitting them yet?

Examples: When your DS (age 4) spilled food, H angrily shouted and cursed him with F*k. DS then started angrily shouting and saying F*k. When DD (age 3) put the bath mat in the water, he shouted at her. He says he doesn’t trust her, and now she repeats that all the time and has started hitting you.

He tells you that you are “f**king useless.”

You are allowing your children to be abused by this monster and are blaming his depression. Please protect them by leaving asap. He is repeating the verbally/emotionally violent behavior of his father and he will not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2021 06:53

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He is depressed because he is angry, not because he is depressed.
He also has a problem with anger, Your Anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour.

His parents parented him and his father is indeed the same, that is what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up. Such men also do not change.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. They will grow up also to be just like their dad too if you do not remove both yourself and your children from these abuses of you all. You cannot protect your own self, let alone your children, from his abuse of you all.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 12/03/2021 06:56

My dad used to be like this and it was really scary , even panic if I do something I know he would have hated even though dh is fine about it . I used to blame the cat because he wouldn't shout at the cat.. I loved my dad but it was a super scary upbringing !

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 06:58

Your children live in an abusive household.

He is abusive them.

You are enabling and allowing that abuse.

This has gone on for so long now I can't understand why you are still there.

That all sounds harsh on you I know but he's shouting in your kids face and threatening them "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" etc.

I don't know how you can bear to look at him let alone still be with him.

You must leave for their sake if not yours.

His temper is so bad he will snap and physically lash out at them at some point. Probably soon.

Your child already mimics his behaviour and also hits you.

How can we help you to leave? What sort of services do you need help finding details about? Have you spoken to womens aid for example?

OhioOhioOhio · 12/03/2021 07:00

My xh is like this. Your dh is getting warmed up to see how much of his bad behaviour you'll tolerate..i had to get rid of mine because it became vile and unbelievable.

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2021 07:11

This is such a bad environment for your children growing up scared of dad getting angry. Can you speak to a solicitor and find out the best steps to leave him? It’s not ok

MoiraNotRuby · 12/03/2021 07:14

OP my heart is breaking for you. I think you know what to do but its hard in lockdown to escape from an abuser. I wish you all the luck in the world, you deserve to be safe.

ilikemethewayiam · 12/03/2021 11:13

OP, please read:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_G3T4TT8M06AE55P3DND3?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I know there’s an online copy available although I can’t find it right now. I’m sure others here can supply the link.

Also please DO contact Women’s aid.

Angry men are abusive men. Anger directed at you and your children IS abuse. He has no right to terrorise you or your children because he’s angry. Whatever his problems are, they are HIS problems to solve Not yours. You and your children are not shock absorbers. You are not punch bags for him to vent on to release his anger and give him relief.

I’ve been there. I became a shell a human being. That was as an adult in an abusive relationship. Imagine the developmental damage this is doing to your children.

No more excuses, please act now.

CatalinaCasesolver · 12/03/2021 11:16

Stop enabling your children to grow up in an abusive environment. They are being abused your job is to protect them.

Sorry if this is harsh but if not for yourself, you need to protect them.

Queenie6655 · 12/03/2021 11:17

Yes yes yes
Listen to the wise responses here

These responses helped me leave my abuser

Do not accept this treatment
Your poor kids

Saltedhero · 15/03/2021 09:05

Definitely need to protect your children here.

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