Is it normal to feel v low that abusive ex is moving on?

[northnorth]

Just as the title says really.

Very confusing time emotionally. Abusive ex is seeing someone. He cheated on me with this person (has also cheated on her before which she knows about).

Feeling, really low about it. He is horrible and I don’t love him anymore but finding it tough and can’t stop thinking about it. Is this normal?

We have been separated for a long time now but children are involved so can’t walk away.

I think when someone has treated you so badly it doesn't seem fair that they should get to be happy does it?;they don't really deserve it.

But unfortunately the new woman is his next victim;these men rarely change their habits.

Acknowledge these feelings have probably come from a place of anger and move on;your worth so much more than him.

Thank you @thenewduchessofhastings .... my friends and family have also said that he’s likely to treat her as badly as he treated me....I hate what I’ve become because of him, because I find myself hoping he does treat her badly. Which is not like me at all.

I just can’t bare the thought of him marrying and having more children with someone else. You’re right I do think it’s unfair and I also keep wondering why he couldn’t have treated me better.

Eurgh. Really hope these feelings fade !

If it helps, he wont be happy. Men like him never are, they are always looking around for something better. My ex (also abusive) was like this, he could never just be happy with what he had, he was terrified of missing out on something else. And as a result the longest relationship he has ever had was out 5 year marriage, which he spent most of cheating on me. He was absolutely gutted when I finally got him out (with the help of the police) as I truly think that the closest he ever came to love was what he had with me.

All I can think now, being fairly safe in the knowledge that he is with someone else, is that the poor cow doesnt know what she is letting herself in for. He will never tell me he is with someone else though, as he still bizarrely hopes and thinks that eventually we will get back together!

Thanks @PyongyangKipperbang x

He actually didn’t tell me, I found out from the kids. He then lied about it and made up different stories about why this girl was in his house until eventually he realised I wasnt having any of it and he might as well be honest. Funnily enough, he also usually doesn’t let me know about other women because every couple of months or so he tries to win me back.

Yes I feel the same a little. I just recently found out my abusive ex husband of 10 years is with another women. My neighbour told me and then said she seems really nice then added too nice. First it made me think oh it must have just been me, he treated me bad because it was my fault. If he can get a nice women it must be because he is nice. Then I remembered I was (am) nice and everyone thought I was too nice, then he worked on me over the years until I had a full nervous breakdown, didn’t want to live anymore. So now I think poor poor women, if she is nice like me then she is going to suffer when his masks slips. He has been abusive in every relationship so I can’t see this being any different....but you never know I guess but not my problem.

I know how you feel though.

Thank you @PamDemic and @Fightingback16. It does help seeing what people are saying. I hope what I’ve been feeling starts to ease soon xxx

I also keep wondering why he couldn’t have treated me better

I think this might be why you are struggling to make peace with him moving on. It's very natural and common to have these feelings. Ex H moved on and I had similar thoughts, Why does he get to be happy with no consequences? Did I deserve his treatment?

As part of my healing I have learned about abuse as a "normal" person can't naturally relate to a toxic mind. His abuse was due to his issues..full stop. Most likely caused by his upbringing (did he have a dysfunctional childhood?) as a result he hasn't learned how to have loving, mutually beneficial relationships. He may manage to hide who he is during the honeymoon phase but as a relationship moves on his issues will be triggered and he will treat any partner the same.

@PyongyangKipperbang, I truly think that the closest he ever came to love was what he had with me

This resonated with me. I know that Ex H felt something for me but any genuine intimacy triggered his fears which caused him to abuse as a way of restoring control. All his relationships ultimately become about power and who has control.

I agree with PP. Also once you have been the abuser’s “subject” over several years/long time, even if you hate them and never want them back, when they’re then trying to get back with you and you’re refusing, it gives you an element of control over the attention that wasn’t within the relationship.

This being withdrawn by them (even though it’s a billion times for the best) still has a sense of finality and sense of rejection- even though it’s the only way you’ll be free. As they don’t respect your own boundaries of telling them it’s over, it’s the most straightforward way that it’ll ever be over.

I think it’s natural to mourn to an extent but fgs please don’t dwell on him or think this reflects on you; very soon you will feel incredibly grateful that he’s no longer attempting to focus his dubious attention of you; you can now be free from him OP. This is a Very good thing

You’ve received great advice but I’m just adding numbers to the responses here who say yes it’s totally normal and I can also happily tell you that the feelings do ease. My horrific ex who abused me and my son and absolutely tried to destroy me psychologically did a wonderful ‘reveal’ post on Instagram (I had blocked him but stupidly somehow went and had a look one day and saw it). Initially I felt totally sick to my stomach and for a week or so after couldn’t get it off my mind but now I am over it and I literally feel sorry for the woman as I could actually see from the post that he was up to his old tricks of selecting a victim again (there were various subliminal cues in the post that only a former victim would recognize). So in a way I was actually able to see that whilst I’d moved on emotionally and psychologically from our codependent nightmare, he was still trapped in those behaviors, and in a way clearly just looking to replicate our bizarre relationship with another victim rather than that he’d truly found the one.
Abuse is terrible. Its effects do linger but he can’t hurt you in the same way now and so don’t let him hurt you indirectly...but at the same time allow yourself to feel like shit for a bit. It’s normal, it’s totally ok and it will absolutely pass.

Thanks everyone .... I’m so glad I posted on here. My friends and family are great but haven’t been through abuse so can’t quite understand. Your responses have made me feel a lot better xxx

Of course it's normal, you're feeling a loss and hurt but You deserve better, when you truly feel that, then you'll get over him, then one day you'll find the thought of him so unattractive you'll wonder why you were ever in love with him.

Definitely normal. I remember when I found out my abusive ex found someone else. What bothered me the most was wondering if this person was being treated better, and why...what did that say about me? Was it me who was the problem after all? You know, just all sorts like that.

She eventually messaged me to ask me why I had said something, which I hadnt said. After a short conversation with her, she realised he had been lying to her about all sorts (not just about me), and I realised he hadn't changed at all.

Now I look forward to him finding someone else because when he is single, I am his go to person to pester since I have a child with him. I know whenever he has met someone new when he starts getting nasty with me.
So it does get better.

@northnorth

What is coming from you posts most is that you are still in the place of thinking that he abused you because of something you did/something that is wrong with you.

It took me a while to realise that I was abused because he is an abuser. It wasnt because of ANYTHING I did, it was because that is who he is. And its the same for you. Abusers need to have, as @PamDemic said, power and control and weirdly they do seem to pick strong women for relationships, after all where is the fun in a timid "Yes" woman who will do what they want? They want to take a strong woman and break her.

Ultimately an abuser wants to be strong enough emotionally for a challenging relationship. They wish that they were able to have the kind of marriage where they can accept being told "I love you, but you are being an asshole because......." but they cant. Deep down they know that they are damaged but cant accept that, which is why they keep playing out the same narrative and drawing victims in. They see emotionally secure and healthy men having happy lives and they want that for themselves. So they play the part, convincing themselves that eventually they will magically become the kind of man they want to be, never addressinng the very issues that stop that happening. So they are charming, funny, generous, kind, loving until....they're not.

I think that you need to break free of the self blame you still feel, until you do it worries me that you are at a very great risk of falling for another of these bastards. A lot is made on MN of the Freedom Programme, and for good reason. Please look into it, it will set you free, not just from this abuser, but from all of them.

@PyongyangKipperbang I have been referred for both the Freedom Programme and CBT so just waiting to hear something from both