Alone and hurting

[Breakcycle]

Forgive me for a self indulgent shout into the void.

I don't know if this is lockdown loneliness or perimenopause or still heartbroken or just all of it. I'm sat here sobbing.

I'm a 47 year old single mum. Abusive marriage. Ex is a bit shit but at least stopped being abusive as years have rolled by. My son is 10.

It took me ages after marriage to date again. I managed to meet someone in 2018. It was slow and bumpy but we fell in love. I felt so lucky. But last April as lockdown happened, he ended it. We've been in touch off and on since. I went no contact. He came back and we talked and I thought we were exploring getting back together but no. Didn't happen. He disappeared again and came back again. I know it's him and not me, but I just feel like nobody will ever want me.

He still calls me every day. Often several times. I know he cares but he's not offering me anything.

I know I'm having a big hormonal wobble but I'm window shopping on fucking bumble and one of the very few guys that I ever swipe right on has unmatched and I feel awful. It's pathetic but I feel embarrassed by the thought that someone might consider me. I feel really embarrassed like I'm some frumpy middle aged woman, why the fuck would anyone want me? My ex didn't. Even though in my head I know this probably isn't true, I feel like he probably cringes at the thought of me.

My friend is 15 years younger than me and slim and pretty. She is interested in men my age so why would they settle for me. And I don't want some old man.

I was happy enough alone for a long time but then I fell for my ex and I absolutely yearn for what we had. I'm still crying over him after a year.

I know it'll pass. I'm not sure what I'm even asking anyone to comment on. I'm just so sad.

Shout away OP!

I am your age, only with younger children.

I know exactly how you feel. When me and H loved each other and were happy it was brilliant. Having had that I keenly feel the absence of it. its very lonely and hard to feel I may never have that again, or not have for a long time. I am trying to get myself in a place to leave H but it will take years to get there and even then I will be 50s with young kids and pretty broke. I can't imagine anyone wanting to take me on.

I would say that you need to keep your chin up! There are middle aged men who want to date middle aged women. And if I have learnt anything its that the more shit you feel about yourself the more your hate your reflection in the mirror. Try to replace your negative thoughts with more positive ones. Your kid is a bit older and you only have one, so you already have higher value in the dating market than me! In fact, you have totally outcompeted me! And of course you are actually single, so you win again

I found taking up new classes, in things I had never done or considered before really helped me feel better about myself. It was challenging, fun, you meet new people. Just improved my view of myself and my life. And you never know, if you do that you might meet someone through real life.

Aww I'm sorry to bear you're having a tough time op.

Honestly my usual move would be to say - pft who needs a man! Let alone a useless bastard who messes ppl around. Block mr time waster and focus on you.

Bit of course it isnt that simple.
Perhaps when things open again your pal and you can hit the pubs. Or maybe take a holiday somewhere with lots of cute bartenders after a Visa. Have some fun y'know.

In the mean time, try to be kind to yourself.
Men come and go. Chances of any of them lasting more than a few years are slim for everyone. I'd place far less importance on them tbh. Still, of course the company can be nice and it can be lonely single, sometimes.

I'd suggest doing things to make you feel happier in yourself. It sounds like your self esteem has taken a beating and that's making things twice as hard. Maybe hit the self half books, practice some mindfulness, give yourself a makeover ect... and get stuck into a good Netflix series.

It will get easier.

Hi OP! Firstly I suggest you stop accepting calls from your ex, he is stringing you along. You won’t be able to move on if he’s around. As for the unmatching on bumble, don’t take it personally! It’s happened to the best of us, but that’s the name of the game.
Don’t compare yourself to you friend, you were 32 once, and she will be 47 one day. There’s no point harping on it. There are plenty of men who date women their own age, the ones that go for women decades younger are probably the shallow gits you want to avoid anyway.

Lastly, count your blessings. You have a beautiful son and you’re free from your abusive ex. Maybe give the dating apps a miss till lockdown is open and you can meet people naturally, have you got any hobbies/interests where you can meet people?

Sorry you are feeling this way op. The perimenopause certainly exacerbates things and full credit to you for leaving an abusive situation. Hopefully others will come along with some more helpful advice.

am your age, only with younger children.
I know exactly how you feel. When me and H loved each other and were happy it was brilliant. Having had that I keenly feel the absence of it. its very lonely and hard to feel I may never have that again, or not have for a long time. I am trying to get myself in a place to leave H but it will take years to get there and even then I will be 50s with young kids.

I could have written this ilikethedark almost word for word. I am going to take on board what you said about hobbies/taking up classes etc. I have figured this is my way forward too in trying to make myself feel better about things. It's pretty soul destroying and I am probably grieving. I'm sorry you find yourself here too but it is comforting to think I am not alone in this situation.

@ilikethedark

Shout away OP! I am your age, only with younger children. I know exactly how you feel. When me and H loved each other and were happy it was brilliant. Having had that I keenly feel the absence of it. its very lonely and hard to feel I may never have that again, or not have for a long time. I am trying to get myself in a place to leave H but it will take years to get there and even then I will be 50s with young kids and pretty broke. I can't imagine anyone wanting to take me on.

I would say that you need to keep your chin up! There are middle aged men who want to date middle aged women. And if I have learnt anything its that the more shit you feel about yourself the more your hate your reflection in the mirror. Try to replace your negative thoughts with more positive ones. Your kid is a bit older and you only have one, so you already have higher value in the dating market than me! In fact, you have totally outcompeted me! And of course you are actually single, so you win again

I found taking up new classes, in things I had never done or considered before really helped me feel better about myself. It was challenging, fun, you meet new people. Just improved my view of myself and my life. And you never know, if you do that you might meet someone through real life.

Thank you for making me laugh. You're v kind.

I have counseling. I do all the right things. And yes, I know speaking to my ex keeps me hoping and hurting. I still love him and struggle to think of not having him at all. I know this really bad place is hormones. I have always struggled but perimenopause is horrendous.

I'm sorry for the pity party. I really do appreciate the kindness of anyone listening. It will pass. Just struggling with being alone with a lot of big stuff in my head

Yeah, I understand. I have been having some free counselling sessions and I've asked if we can use our next and final session to look at my feelings of loneliness/ aloneness. I have a lot of big stuff in my head too. I do all the right things too. Its still hard. It is. I'm thinking of treating myself to an online course in mental resilience for my birthday ( I think the company is natural edge). Because, lets face it, by the time I get through all this my resilience levels will have been massively increased! It may be the one win I have from all this, but I am going to grab it with both hands

@ilikethedark you are bluddy lovely, I can tell. Good for you. Do the course. 👍 Thank you for your empathy. I'm still struggling today but not quite as hopeless as yesterday. Small wins I guess.

As for your 15 year younger friend looking at men your age..more fool her I say!
There is a saying that as they age men find their slippers and women find their wings, hold on to that thought, you will find yours!

@Torres10 I haven't heard that before. I like that. My boss is in her fifties and she's amazing.