Relationship damaged by lockdown- permanently broken or a blip?

[MaidofKent78]

Has anyone else's relationship suffered over the last year to the point where you wonder if the damage is permanent?

Prior to lockdown, our marriage (married around 4 years; together 7; one DC) was pretty solid. Yes, we argued. Occasionally big but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a sorry, big hug and figuring out why & how. But otherwise pretty darned good.

But now? It feels like we constantly argue, bicker or snipe at each other. Passion, affection and general kindness seem to be non-existent. We're both stressed, tired and worn out, and rather than pulling together we seem to be taking it out on each other. Both WFH so whilst we're in different rooms we've always been here without a break for the last year. Even going out for exercise, I know he'll be here when I get back....

I'm just praying the arguments are symptom of lockdown, and the damage that has been inflicted is not permanent nor enough to split us up...

Spi s like its ran its course. Bad enough staying with someone who doesbt make you happy but...why the hell would you contemplate staying with someone who makes you miserable?

If you dont have kids then run for the bloody hills. If you do and they are under 2, still run for the bloody hills cause they wont know the difference anyway.

*sounds like

Ah sorry missed the one DC part.

And not that I'm advocating staying together for the child either btw. Just maybe giving it an iota longer to see if it sorts itself. ..if you want. If you dont then by all means, call it a day.

If he were to come to you and say, ‘I love you and I want to save our marriage. What can we do?’ - what would you say? Does anything spring to mind? Honest conversation, marriage counselling, date nights, set time in the week when one of you goes out so the other has space? Is the division of labour fair? Do you need to go to bed earlier?

Do you think it’s salvageable?

You are asking the wrong people, are you both prepared to work at it? It is unlikely to get better on its own, the time to act is now not when the rot has eaten away and left nothing to repair.

@AtrociousCircumstance

If he were to come to you and say, ‘I love you and I want to save our marriage. What can we do?’ - what would you say? Does anything spring to mind? Honest conversation, marriage counselling, date nights, set time in the week when one of you goes out so the other has space? Is the division of labour fair? Do you need to go to bed earlier?

Do you think it’s salvageable?

If he offered to do what was needed to save our marriage I'd pounce on it. I think it's salvageable. I think a lot of this is us (well, me to be honest) taking out our frustrations on each other. The love/commitment is still there (on my side at least and I think he feels the same) but buried under a lot of SHIT.

We both get some time out to do our things. Workload around the house/mental load/childcare is relatively well shared. I do more BUT I work 0.6 FTE vs his FTE (which is very FT at the moment).

I 'think' it's fixable but June and the freedom to do more/go further afield feels a long time away.....

@AgentJohnson

You are asking the wrong people, are you both prepared to work at it? It is unlikely to get better on its own, the time to act is now not when the rot has eaten away and left nothing to repair.

Valid point.

@Wanderlusto

Ah sorry missed the one DC part.

And not that I'm advocating staying together for the child either btw. Just maybe giving it an iota longer to see if it sorts itself. ..if you want. If you dont then by all means, call it a day.

Gut feel is to give it a bit longer. See what happens once restrictions are lifted and we have more freedom to go out & about. We both suffer from cabin fever a lot...

I think if the problems started during lock down then that has a lot to do with it. Hopefully restrictions are finally coming to an end soon, I would wait until then and see if you can fix it. Lock down has been very tough for people

@AgentJohnson

You are asking the wrong people, are you both prepared to work at it? It is unlikely to get better on its own, the time to act is now not when the rot has eaten away and left nothing to repair.

This. Bear in mind there are many people on this forum who are sadly obsessed with breaking up other people's marriages...any problems at all and they tell posters to leave! What you described doesn't sound unsalvageable at all but lots of people don't bother to work on their marriages anymore.

You both have to take responsibility for getting the marriage back on track. Start with your own behaviour. Snapping at each other etc is a choice and is not inevitable. Treat him how you would treat your best friend. I doubt you'd go round biting your friend's head off in stressful times so why treat your life partner, who's meant to be even more precious, that way?? Go for personal and joint therapy.

You need to talk. Properly talk. You don’t want to look back and wonder what you could have done. His behaviour is his responsibility. Yours is your own.

You both have to take responsibility for getting the marriage back on track. Start with your own behaviour. Snapping at each other etc is a choice and is not inevitable. Treat him how you would treat your best friend. I doubt you'd go round biting your friend's head off in stressful times so why treat your life partner, who's meant to be even more precious, that way??

Yeah, this is a good place to start actually, see if he starts to reciprocate

Op, I think it is probadly the impact of lockdown, everyone is so weary and that's bound to affect relationships.

How are you feeling? Old adage of putting on the oxygen mask first so that you have something to give the relationship. When you feel positive reach out to him with some kindness or affection and start rebuilding a bridge.
Divorce is not an easy road and unless there is abuse I would always advocate putting the effort in.

It used to be that 7 years was seen as a difficult stage. (7 year itch) Ime it is somewhere between 7 & 10 years.

Can you plan anything to look forward to?

While a lot of people are struggling it’s not been inevitable at all that all relationships are in trouble. Everyone’s in a different situation and was in a different place beforehand.

That’s only to say that blaming lockdown isn’t necessarily helpful if it means you stop looking at the ways in which you’re both dealing with whatever trying external factors are taking a toll. As with everything that happens in life and a marriage, there are choices to be made, daily, hourly. And being as pleasant, thoughtful and forgiving to your spouse - your chosen life partner - as you would a friend or relative that you love is a good place to start. You can’t guarantee the other person will up their game if you up yours, but you’ll be able to look yourself in the face and know that you tried.

Don’t forget what brought you together in the first place.

My marriage nearly fell apart 3 times during lockdown last year. The third time was the decider so to speak. We both realised we needed to put some serious work in to turn things around. It’s been a tough few months since last July (the third time) but we turned a corner in December and we are now pretty strong and changes have been made on both sides. We have been married 13 years.

I think many relationships have faltered during the last year... but it can be salvageable.

So long as there is no domestic abuse.....

Lockdown stress is real and has affected many relationships for the worse. The hardest thing is that there is no point trying to improve it while lockdown continues. Ship mutinies happened for this reason...trapped for months on end in enclosed spaces and no outside social contact. Too often people are unhappy and think, oh it must be my relationship when in a case like a year of continuous lockdowns with no break all winter....yeah that’s the cause. Not the relationship.

I would focus on survival now. Just take one day at a time. Then after Covid and lockdowns end reassess and set about repairing. Or if it’s not even something either of you want by then, moving on. But I would not make any life changing decisions now especially as you have had a successful time of it the past seven years and have a DC you share. The DC will be stressed as well from lockdown. It has lasted 25% of their short life. The last thing a child needs is more uncertainty now.

Sounds like you've both had enough of lockdown, if things were relatively good before. I don't even live with my DP but have struggled when I do actually see him as every day seems the same. I stopped making an effort.
Obviously you need to talk to him and see if he thinks the same as you. Lockdown will soon be over and Summer's coming - everything to look forward to.

I think you both just sound fed up with lockdown and are struggling with the close proximity isolation - especially with a child. It can be tense! I don't think it's irreparable from what you have said but it depends on what your and your DH think.

I feel you OP!

My relationship was fresh and new before lockdown, we’d only been together 4 or 5 months and were all loved up. Lockdown was kind of fun and exciting in lots of ways, we have some lovely memories despite everything. But lately it just feels like things are getting shitter and shitter. Sex life has gone to shit (he’s always keen, I’m never in the mood), he’s put on a little weight and feels bad about himself, we don’t live together but I’ve been on part furlough for 3 months and we’ve just been in each other’s pockets. Had a fight on Monday night (we never fight, this is the worst fall out we’ve had) which at the time seemed to come out of nowhere but in hindsight all this lockdown stuff coming to a head is definitely partly to blame. Schools going back means our routine has to change ONCE AGAIN (he has a kid, I work in a school) and it’s just unsettling for everyone involved.

I hope to god that things will be better once life returns to normal but I totally understand your fears of wondering if this pandemic has done irreparable damage. We’ve got to hang in there girl. Don’t make any rash decisions until summer. Hell, don’t make any rash decisions until next winter! We all experienced a culture shock going into lockdown and now there’s going to be reverse culture shock as we come out. It’s not going to be easy. We need to give ourselves and our partners a break. Everyones mental health is suffering and we are losing the will to prop the other one up. But we have to keep trying.
I pray and hope things work out for you guys. X

Thanks for replying - useful thoughts.

Those of you who have said I need to own my part/behaviour in all of this are absolutely right. I've found lockdown much, much harder than my DH and I know my behaviour has at times been unacceptable. So I am and will be paying very close attention to that going forwards.

You're all also right that throwing away a fundamentally good marriage without trying bloody hard to fix it is madness. I'm pretty sure much of this is a result of the last year rather than problems within our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we weren't perfect pre-pandemic but it was good.

I'm hopeful that now DC is back at school, and with spring just around the corner, the pressure will ease a bit. Definitely need to get some things in the calendar to look forward to!

I think we're salvageable.

Thanks all.

Best of luck OP

I think that everyone who gets married and has a child does have a duty to work at that marriage (except if there is abuse obviously). It just sounds like you need to reconnect with each other. I’m here because I feel the same way. Try date nights etc. Good luck xx

I agree that with a child in the mix you owe it to yourselves and the child to work on this.

I've been married far longer than you - lockdown has made me reflect on our lives and aspects I'm not 100% happy about, but there have also been times when I just feel unmotivated in general and maybe mildly depressed.

I've gone through phases of disliking/ being irritated by my DH and realised I was being snappy with him and avoiding him as much as I could. But recently have made more effort to talk to him, be polite, acknowledge the positives and go out for talks with him occasionally and my feelings have got back on a more even keel. I'm fortunate however, that though I have wfh some of the time, I also get to go to my workplace regularly which has helped me enormously - change of scene, people to talk to etc - I can imagine how hard it is not to get a break.

@MaidofKent78 checking in to see how things went for you! Hopefully how you wanted x