Is this a little odd or perfectly normal?

[shakeylondon]

I've been with my DP for 4 years. We're both in our 30s. We don't live together but see each other most days. He lives a few streets away from his Mum, and about a 5 minute drive from both me and his older sister. He's always been very close to them which is lovely. However I've noticed that he still relies on them rather than me for various things.

For example, his car needs an MOT he'll get his Mum to give him a lift there and back rather than me.

He has to stay in hospital now and again for a night. Each time I've asked if I can bring him some bits up and he'll say no thanks it's ok, my mum or sister is doing it.

There are plenty of other examples like that. Is that the norm? We've been together a while now and I'm more than happy to help with things if he needs it, but his automatic reaction is to ask his mum or sister rather than me and I don't really understand - I would of thought that's what I'm here for!

Do you think it’s because he doesn’t want to put on you? Maybe he is being considerate to you but not seeing things from your viewpoint?

It could also be habit, he's just used to admit them. Or he doesn't want to hurt his mom by suddenly not needing her because he has a gf.
Do you see his family? Do you get on okay with them?

it's been 4 years, not 4 months... you should be the "go to"

A bit odd. If you don't move to being the go to, that could be a problem going forward.

Things like MOT I can understand as they are based in the same house. Dropping things at hospital, presumably you would have to go to his house to collect and then take, rather than being able to go straight there and you would also be disturbing his Mum, so perhaps she just feels she might as well do it herself.

It just sounds like a practical approach rather than an emotional one. If you lived together it would be a different matter.

@SleepingStandingUp Yes I get on very well with his family!

@Seeline He doesn't live with his Mum, his house is a few streets down from hers.

@00100001 That's kind of what I was thinking...

Honestly I think it's a bit odd that you don't live together after 4 years- not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but odd in the sense that it's slightly out of the norm. Normally a couple in their 30s who has been together for 4 years would live together, and therefore share all the stuff like MOTs and hospital visits. But living apart makes it sound like you've got a slightly different set up and slightly less intertwined lives, so it's hard to compare really.

It's normal given that you don't live together.

It would be normal if he still lived with them - but he doesn't.

I expect he's trying to be considerate and not bother you, but it is a bit odd IMO.

@GreenBalaclava

It would be normal if he still lived with them - but he doesn't.

I expect he's trying to be considerate and not bother you, but it is a bit odd IMO.

But he doesn't live with anyone

But I bet you would be complaining if he was expecting you to do everything, seems you can’t win sometimes

I don't think it's odd if you're not living together. His mum and sister might enjoy helping him out in this way.

But as some PP have said, it seems a bit odd that you're not living together given that you're in your 30s and have been together 4 years. If you were living together you would be doing those things for him.

There may be good reasons for not living together or indeed it may simply suit you both without there being any particular underlying "good reasons".

But I think your question is really about the kind of natural progression which could be expected to have happened after 4 years when you're both in your 30s and that would usually include living together/getting married/starting a family (if both parties want children). My sister was in a 5-year relationship in her late 20s/early 30s which never progressed. When she talks about it now, she says she thinks she wasted a couple of years and in retrospect should have ended it sooner. Do you think, deep down, you are also wondering where your relationship is going if his mum and sister continue to do things for him that a partner might expect to do?

@Dery We've decided not to move in together until both our DC are a little older as don't want to force a blended household on them. We spend nearly every day together though.

But yes I do worry where our relationship is going if after 4 years he's still asking his mum and sister to do things as opposed to me (I'm forever offering!).

@shakeylondon - yes, I thought there might be children involved so different considerations apply than if you didn’t have dependents.

Have you shared with him that you wonder where the relationship is going when he asks his family to do things you would be happy to do?

So you've got kids at home and he's asking someone who doesn't to fetch him or take him somewhere? I just don't think it's the red flag you're painting it. Families don't cease to exist because you have a partner.

You could always ask "how come you didn't let me help you out Sunday, I feel like you do lots to help me and I never reciprocate"

@SleepingStandingUp My DC are at school or at their Dad's when these kind of things happen! I wouldn't think he'd ask me if I was at home with them.

Yeah I guess it's a little odd but maybe it's because you don't live together yet? Having said that my mom as as much my "go to" person as my DH still