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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH paranoid (covid related)

22 replies

UselessCat · 11/03/2021 11:28

Sorry, this is partly covid related but it's more of a relationships one and I could do with your advice.

We've been coping fine with Covid up until now, not overly worried but following all the rules and being cautious. DH is vulnerable but not extremely, so hasn't been going out, but has been happy for me to go and do the shopping etc.

Over the last few weeks he has become increasingly paranoid. He's started insisting that I shower, change my clothes and don't touch anything or go near the kids whenever I come into the house, even if I have just been for a walk to the corner shop. I've tried to explain that this is unnecessary (I'm a health professional, and all the experts agree that it's not necessary) but he just gets angry and sees it as me not wanting to protect him.

Yesterday it came to a head. We had had a minor argument earlier in the day due mostly to being stuck in the house together with three kids. I needed to go out and pick the cat up from the vets, so went half an hour early to just sit in the car in the car park and calm down. He texted me to tell me that I was putting the family in danger by being out of the house, and when I came home half an hour later with the cat he had locked me out and refused to let me in. After 10 minutes of me shouting through the door he did let me in, but was still insisting that I shower although I had literally only sat in the car (cat handover was done in the car park with masks and distancing etc).

I have no idea what's going on. I can't explain how out of character for him this is, he's normally lovely, calm and level headed. It's really shaken me, and now I'm starting to doubt whether I'm in the wrong. I'm furious and also really worried about him. Help!

OP posts:

ScarfaceCwaw · 11/03/2021 11:32

I think you are right to be concerned and he has developed, or is beginning to develop, mental health issues around this. Locking your wife out because she ran a necessary (outdoor!) errand is not reasonable or proportional.

For the moment I think all you can do is tell him so, and point out that his behaviour is escalating at a time when the risk is actually substantially lessening. If he is willing to admit that, you can help point him towards support.

Buzzer3555 · 11/03/2021 11:33

My sympathies...it sounds like he's gone stir crazy with being in all the time. The incessantly doom laden news coverage doesn't help. You are quite right to stick to your guns and not pander to his paranoia.

Babyfg · 11/03/2021 11:34

Has he not been out the house in a while? He sounds like he's having a breakdown especially if it's out of character for him. Would he be open to ringing his gp? But also look after yourself as it sounds like hard work

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2021 11:35

It sounds as if he needs help OP and I would say fairly urgently - I agree with the above poster it sounds like he is having a breakdown.

I have been there when someone has had a breakdown and the paranoia can escalate fairly quickly

Bumpsadaisie · 11/03/2021 11:43

Think you need to seek help. He does sound like he is deteriorating.

Maybe try this initially?

www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

Bumpsadaisie · 11/03/2021 11:46

From what you've said it has the feel of something a bit more than just "difficult" behaviour that you can manage by yourself. It is concerning that it's very out of character.

You can't lock people out of their house, or force them to do things. It sounds like he is losing insight into his behaviour which happens when someone becomes unwell and paranoid.

ItsNotLoveActually · 11/03/2021 11:47

He needs urgent help. Can you call his GP and explain. Sure, they can't discuss him with you but they will listen to your concerns and hopefully point you in the right direction.

pog100 · 11/03/2021 11:49

It's pretty obvious that it's a mental health problem but the question is how to convince him of that. Is there anyone else he trusts other than you he might listen to? Sibling, parents if they are likely to see it like you? It's tricky but I don't think pandering to his paranoia is going to help. I know he won't relate to actual facts but in case the vastly overwhelming number of infections are due to direct breathing in of aerosols and vanishingly small numbers from fomites (surfaces etc.)

HollowTalk · 11/03/2021 11:50

I agree with @ItsNotLoveActually - I'd call my GP and ask for their advice.

Original poster

UselessCat · 11/03/2021 12:21

Thanks all. We're sitting down and managing to talk about it all so that's a start.

OP posts:

DuchessofHastings1 · 11/03/2021 12:26

Has he had his vaccine? I'm guessing so if hes vulnerable.

The vaccines have high efficiency rates. There is no need for him to go on like this. As PP have said, its not proportionate. I would ring your doctor and ask for advice.

Original poster

UselessCat · 11/03/2021 12:42

Nope, no vaccine yet. He's in the next group but it's slower here than in other places and he's not got an appointment yet.

He's still hung up on the showering thing- when I got back into the house yesterday he wanted me to get straight in the shower but instead I came in and got the cat settled, greeted the kids etc and showered about half an hour later. So apparently I lied to get into the house. Sigh. I've given up trying to argue, it's so irrational. He has at least agreed to call the gp, so that's a start.

OP posts:

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/03/2021 12:48

I have bad anxiety. When I’ve been on med changeovers I’ve been like this. I tried to stop people leaving the house and other stuff due to Covid.

I’m not sure it’s paranoia, but it is anxiety. He will need medical help.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/03/2021 12:49

I meant I medicated this is what I’d be like. It’s shit for everyone and the anxiety is just exhausting.

But it can be treated.

Original poster

UselessCat · 11/03/2021 13:41

I'm sure there is a lot of anxiety involved. I've had my own struggles with mental illness and I know DH has always been so supportive.

I'm just struggling to know if I'm in the right. Should I just go along with the showering thing if it helps him to be less anxious? I'm reluctant because I know being treated like a leper every time I walk into my house will not help my own mental health!

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2021 14:23

He needs to get proper medical help with this OP not you pandering to him and risking your own mental health

BigRedBoat · 11/03/2021 14:28

@UselessCat

I'm sure there is a lot of anxiety involved. I've had my own struggles with mental illness and I know DH has always been so supportive.

I wouldn't personally, feeding into his anxiety probably won't help him and it definitely won't help you.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/03/2021 15:18

He needs medication. You can’t live your life like that.

Hagqueen · 11/03/2021 15:38

I wouldn’t give in to it without a professional advising you do - I would probably compromise with hand washing as soon as I come in (if you’re not doing it).

Must be very worrying, given how much better things are than a couple of months ago - I hope he gets the help he needs.

EarthSight · 11/03/2021 18:19

His thinking isn't very logical.

One the one hand, he is far stricter than me and my partner (and we're stricter than average having managed to avoid going to shops for a year, and we don't particularly miss it).

On the other hand......he feels fine about you going to supermarkets, which is a far bigger risk than a simple handover of a pet when you're in the car. You were both wearing masks. The other person would have probably been close enough to open your car door and deposit the cat, or briefly close to you to hand over the carrier. I think I'd be fine with that. I'd be more concerned about supermarket trips or visiting indoor places where the air circulation is poor.

Covid doesn't live on porous surfaces like paper or fabric for long. 24hrs max I think. I would ask him where he's seen the science behind this level of showering.

Gyh863 · 11/03/2021 19:24

He's developed OCD. I've had OCD in the past and had to have CBT. It happens to people who are more susceptible (overthinking analytical types) when they experience a triggering event (covid).

You're in a difficult position. If you enable him then he's likely to get worse, my experience was that the more precautions I took, the more I thought about things, and the more precautions I wanted to take. And if you're that way inclined you can also develop the same issues (my husband ended up worse than me after my CBT and then held back my recovery). But if you don't go along with what he wants of course in the short term his anxiety levels will sky rocket.

I got fast tracked for CBT because I was pregnant, I imagine the wait would be long but worth going to the GP still. I don't know what resources there are online or what books you can buy. It may well be difficult to get him to change his behaviour during covid because it essentially means doing things that make you feel uncomfortable (sitting on the floor, eating without washing hands etc for me). And then sitting with the feelings until you calm down, seeing that nothing bad happened etc. This might just be too much or even unwise during the pandemic.

Gyh863 · 11/03/2021 19:27

I've just seen that someone has written that it's not logical. No OCD is not logical! I knew at the time intellectually what was going on but still could not control my emotions around the fears. I think it can be hard to understand for other people. Please do not ask him about the science etc, this is an emotional response from a frightened person who can't think straight and is desperately looking for some control in order to protect themselves.

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