Please someone tell me if this is usual?! If not how do I deal with it?

[WhoDe]

I’m new to dating. Well no, I’m new to having met someone I like online dating. It’s been years since last relationship. I have lived with someone in the past but it feels like so long ago.

Anyway, met someone I like a lot. We live 50 mins apart. I see him most weekends but some weekends he has had stuff on. I’ve been ok with this but would have liked to have seen him in the week instead.

We text every couple of days, he will instigate if I don’t. We spend full days together when we meet. Speak on the phone usually once a week but can be not at all if busy.

My recollection of past relationships is that by four months you are much more embedded into seeing each other? I would like to see him at weekends and once in the week. Is that too much at this stage?! I know there’s no right answer but I’m looking for views on whether if I raise this, it’s not going to make me sound crazy or too much. This man is quite introverted and can tell he likes alone time, he’s also shy and took weeks before we even kissed. He is great though and I don’t want to force anything.

At the moment it feels too patchy to progress?! He’s not married before anyone asks, but also has never had a relationship longer than a year. He’s 38. I don’t know whether to take the reins and say look I want this to be stepped up but then I don’t want to force something. We’ve both said we are not seeing others.

I think once a week is ok as long as it is every week and you don't go weeks without seeing each other
Every 2/3 weeks wouldn't be enough for me

He may be used to being alone.
He feels comfortable with this and appears not to crave more contact.
Maybe this is all he can give.
I’d find out why his relationships ended - maybe they wanted more.
Do you want children and what is your age?
What is he doing the weekends he doesn’t see you?
He works full time?
You could offer to go and see him one night in the week? See how he handles this.
You could invest a lot of time with him and it goes nowhere.

@Whydidimarryhim

He may be used to being alone. He feels comfortable with this and appears not to crave more contact. Maybe this is all he can give. I’d find out why his relationships ended - maybe they wanted more. Do you want children and what is your age? What is he doing the weekends he doesn’t see you? He works full time? You could offer to go and see him one night in the week? See how he handles this. You could invest a lot of time with him and it goes nowhere.

He says they ended as he was so busy with work... I’ve asked him about what he wants and he says a serious relationship. Very early on he was shit at texting. I mentioned it and he now always checks on. I think he’s not used to relationships.

Definitely agree he’s fine being alone. I think if he got used to seeing each other more he would feel comfortable but it’s clearly not something he’s used to. I just don’t know how to raise it. And if I do, will he think it’s too much.

I think I would push for once per week. You say he was shit at texting but I'm not sure what you mean by that. Some ppl just don't like communicating by text. Maybe be thinks you were shit at communication because you need to be constantly reassured by text and use it for conversation instead of just arranging stuff.

I very much appreciate my own space and if seeing someone...tbf I'd probably like to see them once every five days or so but I wouldnt be want to be having text convos between that. If it was weekly I was seeing them then maybe a quick phonecall/text exchange mid week. You've already got the bloke texting you every couple of days which he may be used to now but chances are he finds it a right chore.

Its possibly a mismatch.

I agree with poster that said asking for once per week is fair. He should not be going fortnights at a time without seeing you. Your needs are important but so are his. If I worked all week theres no way I'd want to see someone on every day I have off. Ppl need their space too.

What are you working patterns like? Are you both working from home or going into work?

Have you suggested any midweek meet-ups?

I have to admit, from your description, reminds me of my brother

We do think he is on the spectrum

He cannot maintain relationships, both as friends or romantic. He’s actually never had long term friendships. Not that he does anything wrong really but rather he just doesn’t do much of anything. Things we think of, want to do for others etc just do not occur to him. Your writing that you had to explain to I’m about texting to keep in touch and that his “work” caused his relationships to end reminded me of my brother too.

I’d think if you want a relationship with him, you may need to do quite a bit of work and relationship management.

How old are you OP? I think if you want the relationship to move on a bit, you have to be upfront with him.
You will know by his reaction I would think. Maybe he is happy with how things are but if you are not then you have to tell him.
Just my opinion!

It sounds like it's still stuck in the early stages of casually dating ask him if he can't see you at the weekend then see you during the week if he really wants to then he'll make the time.

I don't think the fact his other relationships have faltered at the one year mark is a good thing. Suggests he may back off when more commitment is suggested.
All you can do is articulate your own wants and needs and see if he can fulfil them.

Thanks everyone. I’m just not sure how to raise it. Without sounding demanding or having him do something insincerely.

Guess I just need to be direct and say we either give this a go with regular meeting up or I’m out. Like him though so it’s hard!

It sounds like although he thinks he wants a serious relationship, what he actually wants is someone who is exclusive to him, who he can get out of her box and play with for a bit when he's at a loose end - then put away and forget about until next time he's horny bored.

If you just want a FWB then that sounds fine. But I don't think you'll ever get to the stage with him of spending more time together, moving in, eventually marriage and kids etc.

What is his work, is he in a profession where he's currently working flat out to advance his career? Junior doctor, lawyer, etc. If that was the case I might be inclined to give it a bit longer, with the expectation that it could settle down in a couple of years. But if he's just doing his normal job rather than seeking promotions etc then I think he's using that as an excuse of why he can't maintain relationships. The truth being that he simply doesn't value the things he gets from a relationship in comparison to those he gets from work, friends, etc.

Personally I'd rip the plaster off now - at 4 months you're not that heavily invested, whereas if you get to the year mark and he's still not making any effort, it's going to hurt a lot more.

Just say 'how about meting up this Wed ?" and see how it goes . No need to terrify him by giving him an ultimatum at this stage .

My friend was in a very similar situation to you and basically told him what she wanted/expected of a serious relationship. Once she had explained he changed his behaviour and they are now married with a baby. If it is what you need from a relationship just spell it out. He sounds like he just is not used to what a proper relationship is.

@monkey1978

My friend was in a very similar situation to you and basically told him what she wanted/expected of a serious relationship. Once she had explained he changed his behaviour and they are now married with a baby. If it is what you need from a relationship just spell it out. He sounds like he just is not used to what a proper relationship is.

@monkey1978 at what point did she raise this and what did she say? I just don’t know how to bring it up really and not sure if appropriate at four months.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he’s a lawyer but without being outing he’s on shifts at weekends due to the nature of his work. So it can be unpredictable and tiring.

I'm not sure there's a lot of point in asking someone to see you more often. It seems as though he's doing exactly what he wants - this is how he wants his life to be. That doesn't suit you - it might suit others, but it's not how you want your life to be. I think it's time to look for someone who wants the kind of life that you want.

I can't remember exactly but it was early in the relationship, like up to the 6 month mark. She just explained what she would expect from a serious relationship, how much contact and making time for her in his life and made it clear if he didn't want that he could walk away. She gave him a few days to think about it and he decided he wanted a proper relationship with her. Good luck i hope it works out for you