Going against the grain - prepared to be a fool?

[NotAgainNoMore]

I've posted a lot about my current problem, probably more so on other peoples threads. However, I couldn't quite rationalise it against who I am. Probably doesn't make much sense, but when you are in the thick of it, nothing makes sense.

So, tonight I asked my exDP over to thrash it out. I've been following advice on here and I totally appreciate it.

I have always given a one way narrative. Totally normal. This isn't couple counselling. It's Mums net. It's a safety value for all our insecurities/problems/issues - whatever you call them.

My ex isn't off the hook but my god was it good to talk about it! I hated festering about it. I needed closure one way or the other. I could have stayed NC but it didn't sit right with me.

I could give you all sorts of excuses. I'm not massively in love with him, I'm just not that sort of person. I am very realistic though.

We are moving forward. Nothing has been defined yet. Totally on my terms. But I just felt like sharing this, I don't know why. I don't want to give false hope in hopeless situations but yes, actually talking about problems face to face does help! Sounds lame. But yeah.

What's to talk about with this man? He's a liar, unfaithful, and an alcoholic. I remember your other threads. He's horrible, end of. Why would you even consider wasting more time with him?

Because, as I said, I've only given you my side, in my anger. I'm no angel and I'm not prepared to share on here what I've done.
I think lockdown has made me a bit obsessed about Mumsnet views. Everything is black or white. I'm ASD myself and I struggle to comprehend anyone else's relationship, let alone mine. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop me from posting.

Given this man is physically abusive, it is black and white. Is this really all you expect out of life? A disastrous relationship with a horrible man?

I think some people on Mumsnet have a black and white perspective, but mostly about abusive behaviours which is understandable. I don't know anything about the history of your relationship but I am interested that you didn't argue against the "Liar, cheater, alcoholic", but only said that you're not perfect. So, I'm just wondering why you are okay to accept someone who is these things?

And in my opinion Mumsnet is a tool that can be utilised in decision making in relationships ( or other things), it should not be used in isolation though, everything said on here is subjective and may come from someone from drastically different circumstances. It's important to remember that.

Congrats on being a doormat ! Anything else?

I know nothing about your posting history if your relationship difficulties, but it sounds like you need to do the freedom program to me.
All the best, it's your life.

Because I haven't told you the whole truth, you naturally side with me. And I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I've told my tale on here. What my OH is like, what he has done. I haven't told you what I am like, what I have done.
I guess that's what you'd call drip feeding. But, honestly for me, it was just a call for help, no deception intended.

Because I suppose it doesn’t really matter what you’ve done. If you were an angel, then you don’t deserve to be with an alcoholic, a liar and a cheat. If you were the exact same back to him then that’s an awful toxic relationship which no good can come from. I fail to see anything you could’ve done that would make people pat you on the back and encourage you to sort things out with him.

But being a better "you", one that you would be more comfortable with is further away with a poor partner, not closer. You need to focus on yourself, your self care, your self esteem, your self awareness. Can you honestly do that with this man by your side? You say you haven't put any labels on it, I would suggest you don't, please take your time over this decision.

Be kind to yourself, ask yourself what you need, not what you think you deserve.

Even if you've done awful things and been a terrible partner, it doesn't mean that his bad behaviour is balanced out.

Let's say your offences against him justify him being furious with you, feeling unloved by you or whatever - it doesn't mean he's justified in abusing you or cheating on you. He had other better choices he could have made.

Sometimes relationships just don't work.
Sometimes two people bring out the worst in each other.
Sometimes it's toxic together.

I did things in a previous relationship that I'm ashamed of, and my now-ex threw them in my face when I broke up with him. But as I told him those things were more reasons that we should split up, not reasons we should stay together.

So you are both awful, not just him? So the relationship is toxic and you both abuse each other? We still aren't going to say it's a good idea to get back together.
I strongly doubt you are as bad as him though.

Can you explain why you're getting back with him? I'm really puzzled. It hasn't been that long of a relationship. You say he's not a great love.

So why?

@NotAgainNoMore

Because I haven't told you the whole truth, you naturally side with me. And I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I've told my tale on here. What my OH is like, what he has done. I haven't told you what I am like, what I have done. I guess that's what you'd call drip feeding. But, honestly for me, it was just a call for help, no deception intended.

So you're saying you're both as bad as each other, totally bad for each other in this toxic relationship and you're giving it another go?

Ok then. Have fun.

If you keep doing the same old thing, expect the same results.
I would work on your self esteem, raise your standards and your expectations, You can never be in a healthy relationship where alcohol is an issue. Or Anger and lack of self control.Ask yourself how that has affected his previous relationship, and 're effect is currently having on yours.
The biggest red flag to me is that you are making excuses for yourself, to justify being with someone like this. You are relieving him of the shame he should be feeling and burdening yourself with it.

It doesn't matter what you may also have done. He is abusive-- the end.

This actually asks an interesting question, do some people deserve to be in abusive relationships? Can you make a person abusive? I was brought up in an abusive home and did and said some terrible things to my family. To my mind those things were justifiable in the situation and as I was a child this was clearer to me that it was the abusive behaviour that caused my reaction. But I've know people who have been in abusive relationships and a common theme is that the relationship became so toxic, there was no way to see where it began, it just pervaded the whole relationship. This might sound like a stupid thing to say but I have wondered if this is an aim of the abuser? To introduce confusion about who is the one doing the damage? In order to create the sort of dynamic that they thrive off?

What were your previous relationships like op?

@Rose76445

I have heard of the concept of “reactive abuse”.

How far does it stretch though?

For example if the reaction to prolonged silent treatment was to explode including punching?

Would people look at it differently depending on gender?

It doesn't matter what you have done if he is bad you should leave him end of

you deserve a man who will elevate you out if your past not match your Bad deeds and drag you down

Are you moving forward together or separately?

I sometimes hear people say, "but I'm no saint".
The old adage "two wrongs don't make a right" comes to mind in those circumstances...

@Bonheurdupasse

Thanks so much for that, I've looked up reactive abuse and there's a lot of interesting articles on it, going through them just now.