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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trapped

11 replies

MichelleLaw · 10/03/2021 20:55

So you might need to bare with me on this one, it could be long. I have been with my partner for over 20 years we are married and have two children. In November 2019 I had thoughts that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, I felt like his mother and not his partner and I did sit down with him and have a chat about it. He then told me that he has suicidal thoughts and I persuaded him to seek help, he was diagnosed with depression and put-on medication. Anyway, we worked on it and things changed slightly and the family didn’t feel like we had to walk on as many egg shells as we did previously and I put my previous thoughts and feeling to one side as I needed to be there to support him. Anyway, since last October my thoughts about not loving him and wanting to be with him have come back. I also suspect I am perimenopausal which hasn’t helped I have been to the doctor who has done a blood test and said there is nothing wrong with me. I just don’t feel any attraction to him anymore, I feel we have grown apart and have nothing in common. He on the other hand is absolutely besotted by me and still really fancies me. The only thing we really had in common before was sex and now my sex drive has dropped through the floor there is nothing there anymore. I have told him that I don’t have any sex drive and it isn’t me not wanting to try but he thinks I am doing it on purpose. I told him last week that I am really struggling and that I don’t think I love him anymore and his first reaction was well I know you do still love me and please put me out of my misery and have sex with me. When I also told him that I didn’t want to be with him he said that well you can move out as I have know where to go (which is fine but I also have now where to go) and that if I do go then I am not taking the children with me, he also said that if I do go then his life won’t be worth living and he may as well end it. So it feel like I am completely trapped and that I can’t leave as a. I am not going anywhere without my children and b. if I did go I am worried about what he might do to himself. So I agreed that I would try but I just can’t shake these feelings, he keep following me round the house and just smothering me, wanting to cuddle and kiss all of the time (I am not that sort of person), I keep catching him just sitting there staring at me. He got all down yesterday as our son said I love you mum, so I said it back, but he got upset because I can’t tell him that, so now I feel like I can’t tell my own children that I love them. I also woke up yesterday morning and he was rubbing my boobs and down below, which I find a bit odd. He then said to me, well you managed to get wet down there when you were asleep, so your body still work so it’s just you that doesn’t. I don’t really know what I am hoping to get from this post other than somewhere for me to be able to let this out as I have know one that close who I can talk to.

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 21:41

Oh God op, that last bit, shudder.

I think You know what you want you just have to be brave!

category12 · 10/03/2021 21:57

Touching you up in your sleep isn't OK - someone who is asleep is not consenting. You're kind of underreacting to that.

2 years ago he got you to stay by playing the mental health card. He's continuing to use that and manipulate you into staying by threatening suicide now. This is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

You should leave him.

Slippersocks20 · 10/03/2021 22:15

What if he hurts himself can not dictate whether you stay or go. You are not responsible for his actions. He is. And he should own it. If he really is having those thoughts then he needs to seek help. As said you can't let that dictate your actions.

Pretty sure he doesn't get to decide whether the kids stay or go, at worst a judge would decide that. At best you would both be adults and do what's in the best interests for them in that regard.

As for the last bit, I am a guy and that seems off to me. Have you seen the Thames valley police YouTube video called making tea? ... Pretty sure you didn't ask for, or accept the offer of tea ...

highlightsonlyplease · 11/03/2021 00:36

Really, this relationship is dead.
Can you ever see it getting any better?
I can't, I think it's going to get worse and worse and worse.
If you leave now you will have enough strength to build a new wonderful life.
I fear if you don't leave now you will never leave because he is going to grind you into dust.
The things that you are accepting right now are completely unacceptable.

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2021 03:07

Sorry OP I agree with everyone else, he is treating you horribly.

Maybe speak to women's aid and get advice from them.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Monty27 · 11/03/2021 03:13

OP the last bit is just so creepy
I couldn't reconcile neither his actions or words ugh!

Snowball70 · 11/03/2021 03:50

you need to make plans to leave FAST 🌺

suggestionsplease1 · 11/03/2021 05:41

You need to address the fact that he should not be touching you in your sleep if you don't want him to. Plenty of couples don't mind this and have a comfortable understanding that one / both might initiate something that may or may not lead to anything more but it really sounds like you are not in that in position. So be explicit with him on that.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 11/03/2021 07:02

OP this is a horrible situation. It's a manipulative tactic to threaten to hurt himself if you aren't there, it is emotional blackmail. I fell for it dozens of times. Hes gradually worn you down bit by bit into normalising his unacceptable behaviour. Can you give Womens Aid a call? They are excellent and will support you. And read and reread the comments on here, these posters have been there. You deserve so much more than this in life.

Snowball70 · 11/03/2021 15:18

Yes I agree with calling Womens Aid asap 🌺

Liveyourbestlife123 · 11/03/2021 16:47

I think you know yourself how you feel. His behaviour isnt right, you cant and shouldnt be responsible for him, your not his carer or his mum. He is a grown up, you need to be happy and you need to be a happy mum to your children. I also agree with everyone else, contact womens aid and get the support you need to move out.

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