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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Antidepressants but can’t tell dh

22 replies

Flossie44 · 10/03/2021 20:35

So things have been rocky over lockdown. I’ve really struggled. Dc is shielding and needs a lot of care. Dh working from home.
I’m trying to hold things together but have struggled.
Spoke to gp, who was lovely. Offered antidepressants. I am eating ok and sleeping ok. I can function. I just feel alone and vulnerable.

I have put off telling dh about the anti depressants. He doesn’t get that I need any emotional support and he sees anti depressants as a failure.
I don’t. I just want to be happy.

I haven’t taken any tablets yet as am putting it off. Trying to correct the source of my low mood. But to be honest..I feel I need to

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 10/03/2021 20:49

Feeling low can be a vicious circle... and it’s effectively a mismatch of chemicals in the brain. You may only need a short course, and once the chemicals are back on track you’ll be fine. Or Maybe your body needs help making those chemicals. I take hrt as I’m menopausal... which is a mismatch of chemicals in my body because my body is making the wrong mix of them right now. All this pull yourself together stuff is fine for other people to say... but it doesn’t work. It’s not a failure to want to feel ok and to take steps to make sure you are!

mynameiscalypso · 10/03/2021 20:52

There's no requirement to tell your DH. If you, and your GP, think that you need ADs, please take them. Would you let DH prevent you from taking paracetamol if you had a bad headache? I'd hope not. This is nothing different. Wishing you all the best.

Whydidimarryhim · 11/03/2021 07:51

Flossie - you can try the anti depressant and see if they help you. It can take up to 6 weeks to feel the benefit.
They have really helped me. Took my daily mood to a higher level.
It’s difficult times.
Your husband should be supporting you.
You can hide them in a draw and just take one a day.
There is no shame in this.
You have a lot on.

Level75 · 11/03/2021 07:59

I think you need to tell him that it's bad enough that you have a prescription. I was in the same position (except for anxiety) and was prescribed sertraline and didn't tell my DH. I took 1 tablet and had a really bad reaction. I totally freaked out and had to confess all to DH in the middle of the night whilst begging him to get me some drugs to knock me out. We had a really long talk which helped massively. I was ill for weeks (well months really) after but I had DH on side then. Hiding how I felt had really made matters much worse.

rulerbirds · 11/03/2021 07:59

Before taking the ADs sign up to a live daily hatha yoga class. Zoom. Somebody so that you have daily personal live contact. First thing every morning do an hour of yoga. They’ve done scientific studies now to show that yoga can ease the feelings you describe. Try it for a week. This got me through lockdown. Some days it’s been the only adult contact I’ve had. Other than DH. The instructor is warm and compassionate and it just makes the world of difference.

Level75 · 11/03/2021 08:00

Oh and my DH is one of those who doesn't take paracetamol let alone anything harder!

activitythree · 11/03/2021 08:02

He is part of the problem. You are almost walking on eggshells here to prevent him from saying something that you know will be unsupportive.

rulerbirds · 11/03/2021 08:04

I’ve just PMd you. To anyone else going through this google Adriene yoga on YouTube. Free. Get yourself a yoga mat. Before kids get up go and do half hour of her gentle yoga every morning. Big glass of water before and after. It works. It got me through lockdown.

rulerbirds · 11/03/2021 08:05

And it helps build up your mental and physical strength so you can deal with difficult DHs

MaliceOrgan · 11/03/2021 08:27

@rulerbirds I would be SO pissed off if I opened up about feeling lonely and vulnerable and depressed to be told to try yoga! It's not the answer to everything (and not possible for everyone) and it's patronising to suggest that because it worked for you that it will work for everyone

WelcomeMarch · 11/03/2021 08:31

Adriene yoga is actually very pleasant and can help soothe jittery feelings.

It’s not a cure for clinical depression though, nor for having too much to do for a vulnerable child, nor for having an unsupportive or uncommunicative partner.

activitythree · 11/03/2021 08:33

@rulerbirds

WTF

try yoga Hmm how about you try not minimising depression you absolute tool Angry

Oh, and the bit about yoga helping to deal with difficult DHs as if OP is the one who needs to change Sad

ExtraordinaryQuince · 11/03/2021 08:34

Sorry to hear that OP. A family member was similar - now they are in a bad place, suddenly mental health issues are acceptable. Do what you need to do for your family. Flowers

rulerbirds · 11/03/2021 08:35

Why is it patronising? I’m currently training to be a specialised trauma therapy yoga teacher. It has been introduced into the USA prison system to help traumatised women. My teacher is a highly qualified clinical psychologist and yoga teacher who works with and helps victims of child abuse and her yoga helps. I’m not just a random yoga enthusiast. This thread is for everyone to contribute and give their experience and advice. In fact I’ve had a lovely message from the OP. She already does Adriene yoga. Her yoga is free and available on YouTube and for anyone who wants to try it, it is an amazing resource. I feel sad that you would be so negative towards me when I’m trying to help from a place of knowledge and compassion. Yoga isn’t just about chanting and headstands these days. Times have changed.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 11/03/2021 08:35

[quote activitythree]@rulerbirds

WTF

try yoga Hmm how about you try not minimising depression you absolute tool Angry

Oh, and the bit about yoga helping to deal with difficult DHs as if OP is the one who needs to change Sad

[/quote]
It may not have been helpful, but I think she was trying to help.

activitythree · 11/03/2021 08:38

It may not have been helpful, but I think she was trying to help.

I didn't suggest she wasn't. It's not wrong to point out how complicated unacceptable said attempt at help was though. It's really important people are listened to. Here we have a posted who can't even tell her own partner about her depression for fear of lack of support, someone pops along and says 'try yoga' Hmm

Yeah, that's not ok.

activitythree · 11/03/2021 08:40

Why is it patronising?

Minimising.

Lack of acknowledgment.

Suggestion OP needs to change to deal with 'difficult' DH

Etc.

combatbarbie · 11/03/2021 08:40

@rulerbirds I use yoga as self help for my moods and I agree it has so many benefits.... Sometimes it can be the alternative to anti d's, like any exercise really.

OP the root cause of your mood seems to be staring you in the face, it often is until someone points it out. Medication isn't a failure.... Quite the opposite in fact as it shows strength to face the problem. You don't need to tell DH but as said above between 3-6 weeks to see the benefits and they can sink you lower in the first 10 days whilst the body adjusts.

rumred · 11/03/2021 08:44

Hi @Flossie44 it's really unhealthy not to be able to speak to your partner about your anxiety and feelings. It sounds like he is unsupportive at best. Have you considered counselling? That can help unpick problems and find the root
Sending you love

Flossie44 · 11/03/2021 09:13

Thank you everyone.

I’m a fairly pro active person. I exercise (cardio) daily, do yoga and meditation also.

My fears and anxiety doesn’t go a way. Because it’s physically still there. I can’t change that. I just need to deal with a way of managing it positively.

I’ve tried taking a breath and walking away into another room.

I can do these things but I feel like I’m fire fighting constantly. Juggling everyone’s emotions while mine sink lower.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 11/03/2021 09:23

I've had episodes of depression throughout my life and I have found yoga to be hugely beneficial to my mental health. Obviously it's not enough if you have severe or even moderate depression, but it has helped to relieve mild depression for me.

I have also tried CBT, counselling, mindfulness, and antidepressants. I think they can all be helpful (individually or in combinations) depending on the person, the severity of the depression and the reasons for it.

OP, did the GP take you through a diagnostic questionnaire for depression/anxiety and tell you your scores? Do you have a sense about whether your depression is mild or severe?

Based on what you've said about your feelings and your relationship, I think counselling could be very beneficial.

As for the sertraline, it's a tricky decision IMO. You certainly haven't "failed" if you take them. I was prescribed it once before and decided not to as I was anxious about side effects and wanted to manage without. But recently I did start taking sertraline - I felt my depression was worsening and with many of my usual strategies unavailable due to lockdown, I decided to go for it. The side effects were unpleasant to begin with, they did subside but it would have been difficult to get through the initial stage without telling my husband.

So if you do take sertraline I think ideally you would tell your husband, but it sounds as if there could be lots of issues in the relationship (which are probably contributing to your depression) so if you don't feel able to, that's fair enough.

Good luck whatever you decide.

MuddleMoo · 11/03/2021 10:04

If you had diabetes no one would think you were a failure for needing insulin. They probably wouldn't suggest you ignore GPs suggestion and try yoga.

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