Finding DM's attitude to me overly critical - am I being overly sensitive?

[xious]

Trigger warning: mentions of dieting, binge eating, anorexia, weight loss, etc.

I'm 21 and living at home whilst finishing up my last year of university.

I'm finding my DM's approach to me is quite critical but I'm not sure if I'm overly sensitive.

For context, she has always struggled with her weight and and is constantly either dieting or binging/comfort eating. I find it exhausting to keep up with as when she's on diet mode she will be judgemental about what I choose to eat e.g. if I am eating a chocolate bar for dessert. Whereas when she inevitably gets fed up of heavily restricting her food she will go onto comfort eating and if she sees me eat something healthy she will tease me about it as if it's embarrassing to want to eat a piece of fruit. It feels strangely competitive. I just find it exhausting trying to keep up with the constant changes in her attitude towards food.

She also makes comments about my weight. One of my friends at university lost a lot of weight during our first year and she would actively compare me to her and tells me I'm now the fat friend, how beautiful my friend looks and say how I needed to do whatever my friend was doing - what my friend was doing was rapidly developing anorexia. At Christmas if she ever buys me clothes as a gift they will always be 1-2 sizes too big, or if she wants to buy me clothes as a present and she asks what size to buy she doesn't believe me and says "no... you must be a size X at least surely?", like I think I would know what size I am?

She is always negative about my appearance and has never complimented me. The closest to a compliment I have got is telling me I look a lot slimmer than usual in a particular outfit, implying I look fat in all my other outfits. She also likes to tell me I look much better with glasses which I think is a bit of a back-handed compliment when I wear contact lenses most of the time as I don't like wearing glasses, but that might be just being overly sensitive. It's hard to describe but everything is said with the underlying intent and perspective that I am fat, ugly and worthless and she's just giving me a heads up that that's the case to help me. Even beyond my appearance, she just seems to have such a low opinion of me and low expectation of how I should be treated by others. She implies friends don't really like me, guys don't really like me, my manager doesn't really believe the positive things he says about my work, my lecturers don't really mean the positive feedback they give, etc.

She is also very complimentary about her friends' daughters and my friends which I find strange given how she can't bring herself to compliment her own daughter. She didn't even say I looked nice at my prom but she will tell me how beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, lovely, intelligent, funny her friends' daughters are or my friends - she's saying these things behind their backs privately to me, so she's not doing it just to be nice to them. It's such a sharp contrast with how she talks about me.

She also laughs a lot at me when I make any kind of mistake. For example, if I stumble when walking she will laugh and laugh about it acting like she's being playful but it goes on too long and becomes a bit of an over-the-top reaction. If I have a spot she will point it out and laugh about it, etc. I'm not afraid to laugh at myself but she drags it out for too long that it just feels kind of mean?

It's so subtle that most of the time I get on really well with my DM and we are really close, but there is this underlying critical nature that I find so upsetting.

Am I being overly sensitive? Are some examples me being overly sensitive? I am quite a sensitive person so I'm not sure if I'm blowing this all out of proportion.

She sounds awful! Have you spoken to her honestly about how you feel, using examples of things she has said recently, and asked her to stop? If you haven't got anywhere with tackling the problem, maybe just keep your head down, finish your degree and get out of her house asap. Then decide how much of a relationship you have with her.

It must be hard to keep your self belief under such an onslaught, but do try! It sounds like it really all is her insecurity and nothing to do with you at all. Is she jealous of you?

Pull her up on it. Tell her you find her comments hurtful and unhelpful.

In fact her comments about others not liking you are toxic. It's almost as if she is trying to put you in your place and making herself feel better by making you feel less than.

It isn't just criticism though is it, she is being mean spirited and laughing at your expense which is chipping away at your self confidence. It's toxic behaviour.

There's no such thing as oversensitive. You can over react to your feelings, but the feelings are never wrong.

Do you tell her straight away that you don't like it? If so, the loving response to her would be to respect your feelings. It sounds like you might need to respect your own feelings first though, which you currently don't.

There is no correct level of senitivity. We all have different sensitivities depending on our experiences and personalities. But lets take the example of being scared of spiders (in the uk). It's a ridiculous fear, because there is literally no risk of any harm from the spider. A person who disrespected someone's fear would say, 'Oh don't be so stupid, it can't hurt you. Here...' and shove a spider in your face. A person who respected the feelings of the scared person would accept that it was non-sensical, and yet still a valid feeling/sensitivity, and do their best to remove any spiders without fuss.

D'you see what I mean? The validity of the sensitivity isn't really a question. What matters is whether the other person wants to be kind or unkind.

And if the passive aggression is very subtle, make it not subtle. Make it clear you've spotted the aggression.

• Gosh, you've complimented everybody here but me, do you not think I look nice?
• Why do you keep laughing at me like this? Don't you think it's mean?
• It sounds a lot like you're saying that x or y doesn't actually like me, is that true?

Passive aggressives don't like their aggression being put in the spotlight.

She sounds awful a d exactly like my own DM who I can barely converse with these days.

My DD came home to live with me for 12 months and has just moved out. I would never speak to her like that, even though lockdown has been intense.

She (your DM) is clearly disappointed in her life and is taking it out on you. I know it’s hard not to listen to her, but please remember she has the problem, not you. Be yourself, be the best version of your self and do not let her voice ear worm itself inside your head.

This is a hard enough time for students and young people. Maybe your mum is frightened for you and is trying to “improve” you, but she is going about it in the wrong way.

DD is 22 so similar in age to you. Forgot to say that.

Apologies for being so blunt but she sounds like a bitch. She's abusing you. Ace those exams and gtf out of there.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201805/why-is-your-narcissistic-mother-obsessed-your-weight%3famp

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/narcissistfamilyfiles.com/2020/01/05/heres-why-your-narcissistic-mother-hates-your-body/amp/

www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/family-role/mothers-daughters-and-eating-disorders

(Sorry, there are three links on my previous post. Not sure why there's no space between the first and second)

My mum is a bit like this. Her highest compliment to me was that I looked ‘almost appropriate’. I used to get really annoyed but now I realise it’s her problem and that it’s ok if I look a bit shit and she tells me. She is very repressed and would rather die than show emotion or that she likes/loves something or someone and I think it’s tied in with that-sad for her.

Thank you for your replies. I find it really hard as her own DM is very critical and cold to her and she always talks about how glad she is that she isn't like her DM but she can't seem to see that she is exactly the same? It's also hard because from an outsider's perspective my DM and I are really close, my friends all tell me how envious they are of how close I am to my DM and wish they were as close with their Mums, etc. It makes me doubt whether she is truly critical or if I am overly sensitive but your replies have validated my feelings and response to the comments so thank you.

I will start to bring to light how critical the comments are to her, it's just hard because they are so subtle and it's always framed as trying to be helpful and looking out for me that I often don't notice until afterwards.

Perhaps write a diary each time after you've seen her? If you write things down (what happened, and your feelings) it can help you to identify the triggers more easily in the future.

It's also really cathartic. You might want a big fat red pen and big paper, so that you can write in capitals and underline things. It helps to get it out, and nobody has to see it. You can stick it straight in the shredder as soon as you've written it.

When I did this, though, I kept what I'd written. Once I was a few months out of the situation, I looked over it again, expecting to see something akin to the rantings of a tantrumming 4 year old. What I actually saw was rational and valid irritation and anger at being treated poorly.

I would recommend doing this to anybody who has trouble identifying feelings, and/or feels like their feelings are being minimised.

Please know this has nothing to do with you and your beauty, weight, etc and has EVERYTHING to do with your Mother's narcissistic personality.

She has to bring down others to make herself esteem higher. She projects her own lack of self worth in strange but predictable ways.

It would help to read the very helpful and informative links provided by @cerealgamechanger

This is cruel and unfair treatment, you can try to talk to her, telling her how it makes you feel and put firmer boundaries in place. It may or may not make a difference because it is intrinsically who she is and often narcissists cannot take on other views that don't meet their own, and lack empathy to truly care or see an others pain and how their words and behaviour affect you.

It may at least help you to really research this disorder and there are very informative books and videos on YouTube that are explained brilliantly by actual professionals. They give advice on how to deal with it, and to at least understand and try to remember that whatever hurtful things that are said are not truly about you and also doesn't make it true.

I'm so sorry it is so hurtful and damaging for a parent to do this to their own child. My heart goes out to you. Sadly there are many many people experiencing the same thing, the upside being you are not alone, and can maybe join support groups or just chat to others who are sharing your pain. Stay strong, don't let her win. Keep working on your self esteem.

I also agree with@Eckhardt 's advice to keep a diary to let your feelings out, and to be able to look back over these incidents and see that you are not being over sensitive at all. It is real, and it is wrong.

Sending you love and hugs

Maybe just tell her "you sound like gran" every time.

Honestly, I think the sooner you can move out and control your contact with her the better. It's like she's systematically trying to tear you down consciously or unconsciously.

I meant to add look up Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She does many lengthy in depth videos in such an incredible way. She is warm and comforting, inspiring, and explains things in such an articulated but down to earth way. She is wonderful.

Please read the comment sections on her videos, other posters comment within those posts. All relating and telling their own stories. It is seriously eye opening, and a comfort to feel heard, understood and be supportive of one another.

Thank you all, I will read through the links and look up Doctor Ramani on YouTube today. I'm already quite familiar with reading up on NPD as I think my Dad has it (or something very similar)

I also will start a diary writing all this down, I think it will be very helpful. Even writing the OP post was cathartic and validating.

Thank you all, I will read through the links and look up Doctor Ramani on YouTube today. I'm already quite familiar with reading up on NPD as I think my Dad has it (or something very similar)

@cerealgamechanger

Apologies for being so blunt but she sounds like a bitch. She's abusing you. Ace those exams and gtf out of there.

This. She's toxic and hates you being better than her. Which you would be with her personality like that. How can you be 'so close' when she treats you like shit. Because that's what she's doing. You're her emotional punch bag.

Definitely tell her that she sounds like her mother!

Yeah, she's a narc. Get yourself on the Stately Homes thread on this section. But most importantly, get yourself a solid plan to move out and leave this toxicity behind.

In the meantime, grey rock her. Don't confront while you're living with her. She's an abuser and will make your life hell for calling her behaviour out.

If your dad is also a narc, then your mum is re-creating her own childhood through her relationship with him and failure to protect you, and she is re-creating the shitty parenting she received.

My own mother is very very similar, especially around weight. She is massively disordered with her eating, and regularly goes through binge/restrict cycles. She is significantly underweight. We are now NC and the last 6 years have been hella more calm and mentally healthy for me.

It's hard to let go of that idealised picture of a mum, especially when that person is busy bullshitting to all and sundry that you have a lovely, loving, supportive relationship when the reality is anything but. It's gas-lighting and leaves you confused and guilty. "But Mum says our relationship is lovely! She tells everyone it is! I must be a horrible ungrateful child for thinking she should treat me better! No wonder she sometimes criticizes me, clearly she deserves a better daughter, I must try harder."

@cerealgamechanger

Apologies for being so blunt but she sounds like a bitch. She's abusing you. Ace those exams and gtf out of there.

This.

She sounds absolutely awful and a very unhealthy person to be around.

Knuckle down with the study, do well and get away from her.
She should be ashamed of herself.

I've done some reading up and I don't think she's a true/full narcissist. I think she is just so insecure that she sees me as an extension of herself and therefore gives herself permission to be as critical to me as she is to herself.

I also found out yesterday that my DM's Mum (my Grandma) has been saying things about me to my DM which are cruel and completely unwarranted and based on ignorance and not really knowing me well. It's just so hurtful as I feel like every adult in my family thinks I'm not good enough. I don't know how to build self-confidence and security when I don't have that kind of grounding that comes from having family who unconditionally love and support you?