How do you know ...?

[DannyJedi]

I've been separated a year from ex-wife, with divorce papers finalized in February 2021.

Before that we stayed together (but not slept together) for another 2 years. For the last 6 months while separated, I've been seeing other women for coffee, dinner, ONS, FWB's etc. all very casual and non-committal.

I've been chatting to, seeing someone, spending time with someone the last 2 months - who I really like spending time with casually and not casually.

I suppose only I can know at the end of the day ... but how do you know when it's time for something longer term, less casual especially?

Thank you

when you only want to see her and have no interest in looking for anyone else and she feels the same?

@seensome Thank you. Feels the same?

'When it's time'? That sounds a bit like you think there's some external way of deciding, a set of boxes that have been ticked, perhaps.

I think this is the kind of thing that decides itself, to be honest. A couple who want to be in a long term relationship aren't going to accidentally have relationships with other people, are they.

It's not that one person decides they want something more permanent, and then has to ask the other one. You'll both be on the same page already - otherwise you ought not progress the relationship further.

Do you mean how do you know when you might be mentally and emotionally prepared to start something serious following the pain and upheaval of a divorce?

Maybe when you are not looking for someone to fill the gap left by your old relationship. And when the idea of meeting new, attractive, sexy, funny and smart partners is no longer that interesting as you'd rather be with your current one.

@Eckhart @ravenmum Thank you. Definitely things to consider.

Also, and it might not be what you want to hear, I think people who 'know' don't post on forums to ask people how you know, because they know how you know. Because they are experiencing knowing.

Well. That sounded batshit. But it does make sense.

@Eckhart
I'm sorry ... are you the thread administrator, you know?

I'm new to Mumsnet and this forum - please explain what people, in whatever state of 'knowing', they find themselves should post a query, you know?

We're not all as highly evolved or emotionally intelligent as you, you know? I appreciate your feedback but don't come across as a Know It All, you know?

I may sound batshit, but it makes sense to me, you know?

No need to chuck your toys out the pram mate.

I think you might have misunderstood something there @DannyJedi. You asked "How do you know when it's time?". Eckhart was saying that if you knew it was time, you probably wouldn't be asking that question. Your question indicates that you might be uncertain - that it might not be time.

And she was laughing at her own wording, and saying that her wording sounded batshit.

Blimey, I 'd steer well clear of you, given how quickly you become defensive. It was very clear what pp was trying to say!

I think it was a joke......

But (you know) to have my stab at the original question - I feel warm & connected almost all of the time when I look at DP (not when he's being annoying about taking out the bins, tho 😂). I think about talking to him first about big decisions, small decisions, just to tell him what I'm doing or to hear what he's been doing. We can always have a laugh together. And I've zero romantic interest in anyone else.

Oh do bog off. I was almost prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt until i saw your comet to eckhart.

Do your girlfriend a favour and finish it with her and don't have a relationship again unless you grow up.

'The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing' - Socrates.

So, it's not this current lady you are asking about but more in general terms of when it's the right time to look for something more meaningful?

I went a bit OTT with OLD when I first separated from my exDH. I thought I was looking for a proper relationship but I was a bit bloody minded about it, binning them off quite quickly. It depends on what sort of person you are - I think I NEEDED to experience dating in order to know what I really wanted.
When I met my current DP, something clicked. He fulfilled my needs and I closed the door on OLD and all the ex dates that I'd kept in touch with. I no longer thought I could do better, next! Does that make sense?

[quote DannyJedi]@Eckhart
I'm sorry ... are you the thread administrator, you know?

I'm new to Mumsnet and this forum - please explain what people, in whatever state of 'knowing', they find themselves should post a query, you know?

We're not all as highly evolved or emotionally intelligent as you, you know? I appreciate your feedback but don't come across as a Know It All, you know?

I may sound batshit, but it makes sense to me, you know?
[/quote]
Wow

Never mind, then.

@HulaChick

Blimey, I 'd steer well clear of you, given how quickly you become defensive. It was very clear what pp was trying to say!

I'm glad it made sense, it was a bit of a fight with grammar to write it

@ravenmum

And she was laughing at her own wording, and saying that her wording sounded batshit.

Yes, I was.

Thank you @ravenmum

@Eckhart I wish to sincerely apologize to you for my last post.

It didn’t matter if I was in a rough space, it certainly didn’t justify biting your head off when you were offering advice. It certainly didn’t help when I totally misinterpreted what you said, I should have rather asked for clarification - instead of coming off as an idiot.

Thank you for initial responding, all the same. I am really really sorry, again.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation @HulaChick @Sakurami
Your comments are truly justified and I do fully deserve them.

I did act like a total childish arse. My apologies, everyone.

@ItsNotLoveActually @ravenmum @Boredofitallnow
Thank you for sharing your advice and experiences. Definitely a lot for me to think about. I’m sorry for going off half cocked.