Struggling with trust, feel like I'm not ready but don't want to let him go.

[Coffeeandbananas]

I met a guy on tinder late last year. I'd just come out of a 7 year relationship and wasn't sure what I was looking for. I suppose you could say, at times my previous relationship was abusive. Towards the end of that relationship I met someone at work and while nothing happened, things got flirtatious.. when I made it clear to my colleague that I was still in a relationship he got very nasty and ended up bullying and harassing me at work. It was an incredibly stressful time.

I think perhaps I was looking for a one night thing, or just to chat to people to see what was out there, when I joined tinder. I went on a date with my now boyfriend and while I was unsure at first, things developed. I like him very much and he recently told me he loves me. He's very attentive and caring and has said that he wants this to be a long term thing. We've talked about possibly living together in the future, the thing is he lives with his elderly dad and I think this would cause issues for us moving in together in the future. His siblings no longer live in the UK.

I've been struggling a lot with trust and told him this at the beginning. At first he wasn't completely over someone he worked with (she's since left his workplace) he talked about her quite a bit and it made me uncomfortable. What I can't get past is that she was 24 and he's 46. (I'm 36 for context) I told him I didn't want to see him anymore as I was uncomfortable with it, even though it was in the past. He assured me that I was his sole focus and promised that he was over her and wouldn't mention her again, which he hasn't now., not since December. It still plays on my mind though.

I'm constantly worried that if another 20 something came along then I'd be discarded. I don't want to have to go through any more heartbreak. I realise it's my own insecurities but can't help thinking that he prefers young women and this is a massive issue. I'd like to bring the subject up again but I'm worried I'll cause an argument or something (we haven't argued as yet). If I end things he will be heartbroken. I also don't want to end things because I really like him.

How do I manage my own insecurities? I feel like if she was the same age as me I wouldn't be bothered. Was he trying to make me jealous at the beginning by talking about her so much - and if so why would he do that?

Sorry for rambling. 😖

Do some reading on narcissistic triangulation. It's when a person uses something else (often another woman) to make the current partner worry that they are not enough.

Examples:

• talking about a woman on tv being beautiful (yet, they never seem to compliment you).
• yoyoing back and fourth between you and their ex. Or simply talking a lot about their ex, making you feel they arent over them.
• wishing they were in another country and talking about it all the time. In order to make you feel 'is staying here eith me not enough?'
• talking about a young hottie they had a fling with. In order to make you wonder if that's their 'type' and if you measure up.

It is meant to make you feel insecure. It is deliberate manipulation.

I dont know if thats what's going on here but my worry is that abusive shits tend to gravitate your way and it doesny sound like you've given yourself a break from dating yo work on your boundaries and being able to spot them before dating again.

That aside it would also give me the ick that he dated someone who was 20+ years young than him and isnt ashamed to mention it. Its creepy as fuck and I wonder if she was his employee, in a position of vulnerability.

I would personally end things. But if you wish to continue, go mega slow. Treat him as fun and company but nothing more. At least for a long time. And work on spotting abusive signs. Signs of control ect... do plenty of reading on the subject. Ongoing testing throughout your life. Take no risks.

*ongoing reading throughout your life