Recovering from narcissistic abuse

[Vanillacupcakeyummy]

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for over 2 years and though we have split up a while now, the damage that was done is still very deep rooted. I'm 38 and this guy was 20 years older than me. I knew i was a lesbian since I was 13, but tried to suppress that and tried to fit myself into a box of being straight for years because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Little did I realise how miserable it made me. I have never been attracted to men and I feel I have wasted my best years not being who I am.

The narcissist i was with was emotionally abusive. He would constantly make me feel like a nuisance and that I was a burden to everyone, he also said he was 'glad I would never have children because they would look like gremlins' and that 'Every psychiatrist in the country could breathe a sigh of relief ' (I don't even see a psychiatrist). I think what gets me more than anything is the fact that he said when I got to 40 nobody would want me because all women age terribly. I know in my own mind this is just drivel, but I have absolutely zero confidence and self esteem left to even challenge it. I feel totally broken and like I can no longer trust anyone.

I actually do dream of meeting an amazing woman and want to picture that in my future but I just can't right now because I feel so totally broken

I'm glad that you recognise it for the utter drivel it is.
Recovering from narc abuse can be hard. You have to summon up that fuck you mentality towards him and his behaviour. You'll probably end up pitying him eventually, as narcs are incredibly insecure, deep down. But anyway, you don't need to worry about him anymore. Your confidence will improve. Age is not a barrier. And then you will meet an amazing woman!

Those are 2 years out of 38, what were the other 36 like? I imagine there were other troubling relationships, family?
Either way, you have said yourself that you know that this was so self serving bollox to big a little weak man up. Give yourself time then gently explore your feelings towards other women. Don't rush, learn more to listen to yourself? I think with your level of self understanding you should be fine.

@pog100 sadly it's not the first narcissistic relationship I had. I seem to have gotten into a pattern of getting involved with people who were not good in both friendships or relationships, I'm just glad that I can see it now and am able to work towards changing things

I can sympathise with you I'm 5 years out of one and it's changed me forever.
I have depression and panic attacks
I have aged at least 10 years older their is no longer a sparkle in my eyes
I'm on hyper alert constantly
I look for red flags everywhere and no longer trust my judgement.
Every man is a threat.
Upsides I love being alone, I don't have to answer to anyone, the list in endless what I enjoy most is the peace. He has tried to come back a number of times I lay low and I don't draw attention to myself.
I am trying to move out of the area which will hopefully get rid of my anxiety.
No one understands a narcissistic relationship unless they have been in one narcs work from the inside out everything that you was before the relationship is gone.