Relationship with inlaws

[WhineClub]

This could end up being a huge long post, so I will try to keep concise.

Basically, my partner and I have always had a really good relationship with his parents - we would socialise a lot, go on holidays together etc... until a few years ago. I can't really go into the details of what happened because it's a very specific situation and would definitely be outing, but something happened which drove a really big gulf between us.

There hasn't been a big fight but there is a huge difference in opinion and that we have basically agreed to try and put behind us because we don't agree. The thing is though, our relationship with them hasn't been the same since.

We still see them from time to time, mainly significant events like birthdays, Christmas etc. We don't go on holiday with them anymore and we don't get involved with the activities they do with the rest of the family (quite a large, close-knit group). Of course, that's our choice to not participate... but it's still hard, especially for my partner.

I don't know what I'm posting for really. Maybe some advice? Has anybody been through a similar situation? As I said it's been going on for a few years now, but we saw them last night and I just felt so shitty the whole time we were there. My partner and I do talk about it but they are his parents. It's very sad really.

It seems like whatever it was damaged your relationship, perhaps irreversibly. Could your partner see them without you maybe if it was easier?

@Shoxfordian

It seems like whatever it was damaged your relationship, perhaps irreversibly. Could your partner see them without you maybe if it was easier?

Shoxfordian, sadly I think you may be right. Yes, he can see them separately.

We are getting married this year and I just don't know how we are going to manage it. I know he would like his family to be there, but I just can't see it working at the moment.

It's really hard to comment properly without knowing what kind of situation it was, unfortunately.

So - a genuine misunderstanding, but one that's ended up in a grudge? - and has brought out a side you didn't realise was there (resentful, huffy, them feeling you've let them down and vv?)

Or - a situation where real differences in belief/morals came out - and things were said which mean that you can't go back to 'blissful ignorance'?

Or - had you basically been indugling slightly bad behaviour for years (bossy, interfering, controlling, infantilising you/your DP, for example) and something happened that meant they went over your red lines?

All of those things are completely different and would depend on very different kinds of changes to be made in either yours, theirs or both or your 'mentality' to rebuild a proper relationship. A real difference in morals might not ever be fixable because deep down, you/they aren't what you thought each other was.

Do you see?

I appreciate it's outing, but it's really hard to drill down into it without knowing more.

One thing - if you get married and start your own family, it will be just that - your own family. They will (and should, within reason) become less important. They won't be your partner's nuclear family any more, and that's fine.

One thing... I would be very, very careful about setting up a situation where he sees them without you.

Because once children come along, I would say that isn't workable.

It would not be ok for the dynamic to develop where when you have a baby, it would be expected that he'd take them off to play happy families in a place where their mother was not welcome/excluded. That's not good for your family and your children and WAY outweighs the 'benefit' of a grandparent relationship. Very corrosive. Very dysfunctional.

It's worth having a talk about how a seperate relationship would work in practice in a way which never, ever takes precedence over the primary family - you, him, your kids.

Again it all depends on the context. But if any control or sulking or pushing boundaries on their part is part of this, then a red line right now should be - it's us, as a pair - or nothing.

That of course puts the onus on you to support him, to be willing to be there for duty visits, for example, during which you give him space to spend a bit of time with each parent alone, maybe - or to support him keeping in touch remotely, etc. To be on HIS side.

But - red line - he does not, ever, support your exclusion.

YoniandGuy, thanks so much for your replies. I see what you are saying regarding the specifics and appreciate it's difficult to gain any insights with such limited info.

I am welcome to attend events, meet ups etc, it's just there is tension on both sides. I don't think any us feel relaxed in the others company anymore, there is a hollowness I suppose, that wasn't there before. I think where as before we all genuinely enjoyed spending time together, these days it's more strained and forced. It makes me sad because I never thought it would end up like this, but at the same time I can't just forget how much my feelings toward them have changed.

Small things indicate to me how they perceive me also. For example, they can't stand another female family member (whole other kettle of fish), and his mum constantly calls me by her name. So e.g. "How are you, Rachel... I mean Becky....". She genuinely isn't a mean spirited person, I really don't think she does it on purpose but it's like a constant Freudian slip she'll make multiple times in a couple of hours. It's only ever me and this person as well, she never does it with any other names.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I hope you don't mind me posting, even though I've got nothing useful to add, but I'd like to follow this thread and see how the replies could (hopefully) help you.

I'm trying to build up the courage to start a very similar thread.

Hi namedchangednewbie, no I don't mind at all :) .

I'm sorry to hear you have a similar issue. I didn't want to post either but I feel like I don't want to keep talking to my partner about it because they're his parents at the end of the day. I hope you get some useful tips to help your own situation.