Two weeks since divorce finalised and he’s trying to change the childcare agreement ffs!

[thefourgp]

I’m so, so, so sick of his bullshit. It’s been over three years since we separated. He’s messed me and the kids about so much. We have zero contact except via his solicitor and a second phone I have for emergencies during the seven hours every second week he has the kids. I agreed to everything he wanted regarding the childcare agreement because enough is enough and it wasn’t worth arguing over any more. Our divorced has been finalised two weeks and he texts to say he’s going to change his shifts at work so wants them on a different day and for only 4.5 hours every two weeks. I’m so tempted to text him to fuck right off and go to hell but I’ve stayed the bigger person for three years and I’m not going to lower myself to his level now. He’s such a selfish, self centred, shitty father/person. I’m going to tell him tomorrow I await a letter from his solicitor. I cannot wait until the kids are older and I don’t have to have anything else to do with him. Arghhhh!!

I'm sorry your feeling so frustrated,!! That must be getting expensive if your only commucating via solicitors,!! Hopefully you can both find some middle ground bit of give n take... kill him with kindness he won't be expecting that... 😂

Well done to you, it sounds like you've handled this really well. It's great that you've set boundaries for him contacting you too.

I wish it was possible to kill him with kindness. I could agree to whatever he wants and he’d change it next month, and the month after that, and the month after that etc. He harassed, abused and stalked me for two years when we separated which is why we have no contact except via solicitors. I was mentally and physically ill with the stress and anxiety he caused. It’s hard not to let myself get angry and upset when he pulls this nonsense because I love my kids so much and I don’t understand why he doesn’t love them as he should. I’d rather he have nothing to do with them than mess them about like he does.

Seriously 4.5 hours every 14 days? Does he even need to feed them? What exactly does he do with them.

I'd just use the 4 hours as your time to do the big shop, laze in the house and treat it as a fortnightly babysitting duty because that is all it is. Eventually your right the kids won't want to even bother.

He lives in the next town, it’s a five minute bus trip and he gets his mum to travel from a half hour drive away to pick them up and down she them to his. He then gets his cousin who lives in the same town as him to bring them back home. His family enable his lazy, selfish behaviour and constantly make excuses for him which is why I no longer speak with most of them too.

I suggested he keep them to 7pm so he gets to spend more time with them because he only sees them once every 14 days and he said no, he wants them dropped off at home at 5pm so he doesn’t have to make them dinner! They get breakfast at mine, he feeds them toast and sweets for lunch, they spend all day watching tv and playing Xbox.

It gives him a few hours to take photos with them he can post on social media making out that he’s the worlds best father. He’s pathetic.

I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds like he's put you through hell. I think it's shameful that after he's done all of this to you and you had to flee him for DV the courts are still forcing you to engage with him and facilitate access. I have a deep admiration for women like you OP, it must take immense character.

I would just stop contact with a "that doesn't work for me"

Let him take you to court for contact. At the end of the day you can self rep and say "sure you can have them"

Does seeing him actually benefit the DC at all really? He's stalked you and marks no effort????

Can't you just reply "We already have an agreement. If you are changing your shifts, then you'll need to arrange childcare"

Thank you @IJustWantSomeBees. It has been hell. I sorely wish he wasn’t part of my life because he only brings stress and drama. Too much to go into but I had to keep a diary and provide police references to his solicitor etc.
I’ve text today to say I don’t agree to him seeing them less and I await a letter from his solicitor about any proposed changes to the childcare agreement finalised by a court last month. He sent my a huffy reply and I switched my second phone off because there is no point in getting into a discussion with him. He never sees anything from my point of view. When I was trying to get him to have them overnight once a week his solicitor actually wrote to me saying ‘the crux of the matter is it is not necessary for him to care for them overnight’.

@PositiveLife we’ve had that discussion many, many times before. If I was working and he was meant to have them but decided he couldn’t because ‘he felt a cold coming on’ or ‘he was getting something delivered that day and didn’t know what time’ etc, he’d just refuse to see them or arrange alternative childcare. It always fell to me and more often than not, my mum ended up looking after them. I would’ve been lost without her the past three years. I no longer rely on him for anything. I ask nothing of him except to stick to the bare minimum childcare agreement he asked for that was finalised by a judge last month.

He is an abusive arsehole clearly. But this is all he has now, the only way he can wind you up. Don’t let him. He probably does love the kids, but on his own selfish terms. He won’t ever be a good dad. They will know that, and will accept it unfortunately. His loss.

If he continues to break the agreement consider stopping them seeing him. It will be more harmful for them to be messed around. And try to detach. It is hard but you can get there. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

If it's court agreed then he should stick to it. If he chooses not to have them then that's up to him, be he then has no right to have them at a different time.

He sounds like an absolute bellend! All you can do is just keep plugging on and keep doing what you've done.