Is there love after 40...feeling very Bridget Jones

[Gempeatea]

So is there love after 40...?? Id really like to hear people's experiences x
My hubby left im february 2019 after 20 years... took me a year to pull myself together and a friend said.. "get on tinder".. Well that was that met someone and it lasted nearly a year we split in February.. Hmmm must avoid February from now on.

Anyway im dragging my arse through this, gone No Contact cause that's what you do in this social media age... Which is a logistical nightmare.

So i suppose it would be nice to hear from you all about love and life after 40. I feel like im living Bridget Jones life and swapping between the "pity party scene... You have no messages" to the " sat at a table with all the Smug Married Couples".

All my friends are married or in LT Relationships and im looking for inspiration from people who can really identify with my situation xx

OK so at 37, I had a trail of unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationships behind me, with the only good thing being my son. Dated a bit but then gave it up as a bad job and decided to focus on him.
Then rediscovered a friend I'd worked with about 10 years prior. Had a bit of a catchup and nearly 10 years later, I am literally living the dream. We have merged two families successfully, he's supportive, kind, hard working and successful. We laugh so much, and he's made all the other history worth while. Happy endings are out there

And to the big kerfuffle about needing a man to be happy, no I was happy before however I'm happier now-I have a team mate and someone to have my back, be on my side, and just run to the shop if we are out of milk instead of it just being me responsible for everything and everyone. Thta doesn't make me any lesser of a person, but human nature is that we need nurture and touch

@Swipeleftagain

But the bottom line is I'm lonely and I miss company and affection

That's not the bottom line. The bottom line is (as with everything in life) not the situation itself. The bottom line is whether you choose to enjoy the positives, or be dragged down by the negatives. Choosing to be happy with what you have rather than wishing your life away on something you don't have. Being happy on the path to what you want, rather than what you want being the only thing that can make you fully happy.

@Eckhart (can see why you chose that user name) sorry but I don't agree. I am happy, I'm grateful for the good things in my life and I'm generally a pretty positive person. I'm fiercely independent and won't give that up easily. But as @baileys6904 says, human nature is that we need nurture and touch.

All the bubble baths, yoga sessions, nice meals and other self love cliches cant replace a hug from another adult or the feeling of mattering to someone.

Are you single? If you've managed to stop wanting those things I'd love to know how.

I know a woman who was single forever and then met the love of her life in her fifties. They were like a couple of teenagers. Still together 15 years later and ecstatic with each other. I know another who divorced, had a failed LTR afterwards and then met The One. She looks great on it - looks ten years younger than she is.

I am with you on this, i am a strong woman i do have confidence but there is also that part of having somone else to share life with alongside family and friends x

I’m 44 this year. I got divorced a few years ago after 14 years of marriage. I don’t want to get married again. I have a lovely cottage, mad dog and a gorgeous 10 year old DD. I don’t want a blended family. I found myself a boyfriend with the same long term plan. We are committed, exclusive and make plans for next year and retirement, etc..

It took me a while to accept that I don’t want “normal, 2.4 children, marriage...” again. However now I am sure about what I want I realise I’m happy. I love my daft boyfriend and my happy life.

@Swipeleftagain

Self love isn't a cliche, though. It might be bubble baths for you, and piano lessons for me. Flowers for me, subscription to a mountaineering magazine for you.

Finding the things that float your boat, recognising that a relationship is just one of those things, and yes, everything in The Power of Now. I'm happy when single or with a partner, just like I'm happy when I'm eating a casserole or a Sunday roast. If casseroles didn't exist for a while, I would be fine!

I think also recognising that nothing is forever. People seem to think that the 'smug marrieds' are always really happy and will be for life (blatantly not true - a high proportion of relationships are dysfunctional and painful), and that if you're single at 40 like OP, then you're scared of being single forever. But we've all heard the stories of people finding love in their 80s, 70s, 60s. Creating a 'doom' scenario of the future in your head is how to create a 'doom' scenario in your life. Happy people who focus on spending time doing stuff they're passionate about are really attractive to those with healthy minds and emotions. Worried people who are scared of being alone forever are less attractive, and more likely to choose incompatible/less healthy partners.

Touch is not exclusive to partners. Nor is love, connection, a feeling of belonging, society, or any of the other things humans need.

If being in a relationship meant happiness, then everybody who was in a relationship would be happy, and that's laughably far from the case.

In short, recognising that relationships aren't core to happiness is a) discouraged in society, and b) massively valuable, even if you end up in a relationship anyway.

@hippychick11

I know a wonderful woman who had been in a very abusive and toxic marriage for years. Just 2 years ago she met a kind caring man who has really loved and cherished her. It's definitely possible but as others here have said, I guess it's also about finding happiness within ourselves first. I'm a lesbian so obvs not looking for a man lol, but all the same hoping to find a great woman at one point

I have to say that this is my story, and being truly loved (for what I now realise is the first time in my life) has been a completely transformative experience for me, so although I was happy living alone, I am so glad I did find love eventually. It's like a plant that's been struggling to grow in the shade, finally expanding in sunshine.

For example, being fully appreciated has given me the confidence to achieve so much more in life, e.g. I am now writing a book about what it's like to be stuck in an abusive relationship and not even realise it! I've come to understand that in inescapable situations, I kept trying to put a positive spin on it to make sense of things... and thus developed a whole internal landscape of completely ridiculous ideas (e.g. I cannot trust my own judgement) that held me prisoner. The story I am telling is how I managed, bit by bit, to examine and extricate myself from the flawed logic that I used to rationalise what was going on and explain the mismatch between my inner world and the outer reality.

@bibliomania, not sure if you were asking me, but I met him at a small weekend music festival in a Herefordshire field.

There is something else that I have hesitated to mention because I'll be horribly misjudged, but what the hell. My husband is 23 years younger than me. I hasten to add that I'm 60, so I'm not breaking the law here .

Cue all the assumptions that he's my "toy boy" and will trade me in for something better later on. It's really not like that at all, but you'll just have to take my word for it as it took me a long time to believe this was possible, and I'm the one actually living the daily reality of it, so really I don't expect you to accept it!

I used to say to him, How come you never get angry with me? and he would always say, What is there to be angry with you for? You're the most amazing woman in the world.

I mention this here not to gloat but because it specifically answers the question raised by this particular thread. Yes, you can be happy at any age. Age is actually irrelevant. Focus on being yourself, by which I mean the fullest expression of all the qualities that the fairies gathered around your cradle to bestow upon you.

^ sorry that was a bit of a long message. I do type fast

OP what do you think happens after 40? All of a sudden you change substance like milk past expiry date? FGS stop looking at yourself like a depreciating asset.

Also a thousand times yes to what @Eckhart says

I was single for most of my life, a lot of 2 year relationships. Age 35 had 2 children with my then partner - we never lived together for a long time under the same roof although we were together for 8 years. Following 8 years of OLD and 3 more 2 year relationships I met the love of my life at 52. We've been married 2 years now.
It's never too late!

Thanks, Alce, I was asking you and what a lovely story! Gives me hope.

@Alcemeg I'm delighted for you. You deserve that love and happiness

@Eckhart totally agree with so much you said. Love the username

Hey OP, it can certainly still happen IMO.

I was resolutely single following the heartbreak of a suicide when I was 28 (we were living together and I thought he was the love of my life).

Aged 47 I started a FWB with one of the males in the pub near the train station going home (we'd all meet up there after work most days). I'd known him as just a friend in this group for a couple of years before we became FWB.

Well. Less than a year later we got married!

Thank you all so much for your responses x
Just to say i certainty don't view myself as gone of milk, im fact quite the opposite i didn't start this post because i think im past it... Im a strong professional woman, and have alot to give i just wanted to hear people's experiences at dating later in life. I met my ex hub when i was 16 so am doing this arse about face so its very new to me.

Also I can add i do do self love things like the gym, mindfulness, skin care, looking after my kids, i love my job, i walk i see friends but sometimes.. Like the day o have had today a hug would be nice but i can also take care of myself however after a break up it does take more effort but thats doesn't mean i can't do ot on my own.

so am doing this arse about face so its very new to me

I divorced at 52, had lots of sex and one short relationship. Met someone at 54, we've been together for 2 years now.

You are a spring chicken in comparison to me, OP!